Unpowered Episode One 'True Calling' by Jackx - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A city where Superheroes are murderers and Villains walk through walls.  A criminal who wants out before he becomes a victim.  An Agent who becomes wrapped up in the violence he's trying to stop.  (22 pages)  - pdf, format

Unpowered Episode Two 'Rules of Engagement' by Jackx - Series, Sci Fi, Action - Feds lend a new level of intrigue to the Banker's plan, forcing Agent Archer to redirect his energies.  The Banker pushes his Powers to the limit, achieving mysterious goals.  A new "Hero" emerges just in time for encounter with the vigilante Darwin. 28 pages - pdf, format

Unpowered Episode 'Three Bullets and Butterflies' by Jackx - Series, Sci Fi, Action - Archer's investigation of the Banker brings him to Guy's doorstep, but Darwin might get there quicker...  G-Boy's past helps him rethink his future.   A new character discovers his Powers, and the Freakers return just in time for a bloodbath… 18 pages - pdf, format

Jackx,

As promised, I gave this a read.

I enjoyed this. Most of your characters are easily visualised and identifiable. I instantly felt for Guy and Rosie. So nice job with that. Most of your scene backgrounds are ok too. I could see every step from his apartment to the bank.

This was a surreal little tale and comparisons with Sin City are sure to be made.

I will definately be looking out for the next episode.

Spoilers!! Observations. Whatever.

Page 1 Good description of Guy.

Slowly, Guy dresses himself in a mismatched salvation army suit.

So we’re going to watch Guy going from naked to getting slowly dressed in suit and tie?

(On the bed lies a pretty pregnant girl, ROSIE (22).)

I would re-word that last line, sounds kind of odd.

his hand under the pillow (of the bed,) The bracketed section is redundant. You’ve already told us he’s by the bed.

Page 2
(Guy looks around,) scattered within the customers are a half dozen HENCHMEN. Like him, they are dressed in mismatched suits, unshaven and hard looking.

This is a Guy POV or the bracketed section is redundant.

(Guy pauses, looking around.) The other HENCHMEN are spread throughout the Bank, also at ready positions.

Same again.

(This is HEAD HENCHMAN.) Redundant – Show don’t tell.

SAWED-OFF is usually SAWN-OFF.

After a few moments of scrambling – Show don’t tell.

Page 3

HENCHMAN SPEAKS – which one? You’ve given him a line so...

(The Banker strides in as though he owns the bank)

Redundant.

(costumers) Typo.

(but instead of a thunk) Redundant. Remember, we can see this.

Page 4

(Also DETECTIVE MILLS (4, an overweight (veteran.)

Part of previous sentence and veteran is show don’t tell
(DETECTIVE MILLS) MILLS would be fine. Same with DRAKE after he’s been introduced.

Page 7

At a table in the center sit CAPTAIN ELLIS (50), a large,
(no-nonsense lifelong) cop, and MELISSA DEMING, a beautiful (any-means-necessary journalist.)

Bracketed Redundant. This needs to be shown in actions and dialogue and you do that well. (center) Typo centre

Page 11

(GATES) capped in dialogue ?

(any occupants are asleep.) Show.

(He startles out of bed,) ?

Page 12

(SLOMO) Slugs or direction need their own line.

Agent(‘)s Apostrophe missing.

Page 14

(EXT. GATE’S PENTHOUSE - BALCONY - HALF HOUR LATER)

This kind of slug is controversial at best, others would say just plain wrong. Be aware.

Archer stands looking out at the darkened city. ( There’s
something ominous about the jagged skyline.) Re-write to show.

I need to know you can
handle it.

He’s asking a question so - ?

Page 17

(These are the FREAKERS.) Redundant. You need to show this and you do.

A Halloween mask covers his face (as well.) Bracketed Redundant.

Page 18

(Boss) Freak  Bracketed Redundant.

Page 19

gentle pushes his shoulder. Typo – gently.

Quietly, Melissa begins snooping around the apartment,
looking for something.

Where? You need to tell us as we pass from room to room.

Page 20

(Pulled) out a hairpin Melissa sets to work on the simple
lock. Typo – Pulling.

Page 21

VOICE ?

If it’s Darwin, say Darwin. Remember the audience can’t see him, so the effects the same and it still needs a (V.O.) Archer’s dialogue let’s us know that he doesn’t know who it is.

That’s as much as I could pick up after a quick read. I’m sure there are several more typo’s I’ve missed, so look out for them.

In a surreal piece you can get away with breaks in logic - in fact an audience expects it. However, be careful not to push that button too much. even a sureal piece needs boudaries. I.E you have FX hollographic bars in the bank, but no ones worried about the cameras - which even the gang-bangers seem to have. Like I say, you can get away with it, but be careful.

By far, your biggest problem is redundancy. The good thing is it's one of the easiest things to clean up.

This is solid work Jackx. Keep em coming.

Hi Jackx,

I was surprised how quickly I read through this- it's very fast moving and well paced.

All the characters seem well thought out and the dialogue was great and snappy, and I liked the descriptions of the sleazy surroundings.

If I had to criticise anything, I'd have to say that a few of the scenes felt a little too short at times, especially the bit in Guy's apartment with the 'freakers', but other than that I thoroughly enjoyed it and found it highly entertaining.

It didn't come across as surreal at all for me, it is about superheroes and villians after all, so I had a suspension of disbelief from the outset.

A good job, looking forward to part II!

Craig

PS What does 'Unpowered' mean? Will it be of more relevance as the series progresses?

Actually Craig, you're right.

Just my terminology when I'm writing late at night.

As I said, I did enjoy this and look forward to the next episode.

Thanks both of you for your comments, definately looking for room to improve.

Craig:  Yea the Freaker scene was the last one I added, and my least favorite.  Basically was trying to show some young thugs buying into the masked villains thing, and also start to show rosie losing a little innocence and showing her toughness.  Obviously if this was going to be a serious episode for a show it would need to be longer, so there's room for expansion.
  And the title...my other least favorite part.  I dont really want to give away the very obvious direction I'll be going, but it involves people without powers going after people with powers etc.  But I definately think theres a better title out there somewhere.
  If you'd mentioned the logline you would have been 3/3 of the parts i'm not happy with.


Malcolm:  Thanks for the detailed look, I'll be going over your response line by line when I edit.
  I'll fix the format stuff, IE SLOMO, I wasnt sure how to do those.
  I think I edged toward being redundant and overdescriptive just because I wasn't sure if readers would be able to picture the setting and mood I was going for.  But i agree it should be cut back.
  Wasnt sure about the Darwin dialogue, just because the audience wouldnt know its Darwin either, and I wanted them to have the same moment of revelation as Archer.  But that can be fixed.
   And the Gates capped, I did it just because its the first time his name is mentioned in the script, though it is in dialogue.  As you can see I'm still working on getting the little format details down.
   Thanks again, your comments are very helpful.  Feel free to PM me if you have anything you want me to check out.

Jackx,

The problem with listing out each item in a critique is, it looks like there's a million things wrong with it. There isn't! These are minor things, easily fixed. I thorourghly enjoyed it. It was a well paced intriguing piece and I can't wait for the next episode.

Don't worry, I appreciate the detailed notes.  Glad you liked it, and I'll be trying to get the next one up in a timely manner.

As I said, I'm happy to return/exchange reads with anyone who's interested.

Hi Jackx,

I figure I owe you another read as I notice you've read my series and a couple of my shorts, I'll take a look at 'Hard Case' tomorrow, unless there's something else you'd rather me read?

Enjoyed 'Unpowered' very much. Give us a shout when ep2 rears its head...


Craig

It's certainly a place I wouldn't like to live. You did a great job with the setting and the characters. I was also surprised at how much you crammed into those 22 pages. I was entertained right to the end.

One thing I noticed was that you never used (V.O) for the phone call. Your writing was great, vivid descriptions, easy to visualise. Dialogue also flowed nicely. In my opinion, the best scene was the freakers in the house.

I don't have any issues with the characters yet as this is only your first episode. I can't wait to see more of Darwin. I did think Archer is a bit weak jumping into bed with Melissa again but that might give you more options for storylines in future episodes so I won't complain much about it.

Overall, you're off to a very impressive start.

Brian

Hey thanks for checking it out.
Yea I'll fix the VO bit.  
Archer was a little weak jumping into bed, but really who's gonna turn down a sexy naked chick?  If I expand this to a full episode size I would definately slow that down a bit and give them a little more time before that scene.

Glad you liked it, hopefully the next episode lives up to it.

hey

thanks for reading my script!

I started reading yours a few days ago and then lost my notes so I started over. I'm going to go page by page, if thats okay with you?

p1. You need a comma in "despite his hardened, appearance his expression is..."
     "Pretty pregnant girl" sounds funny...try lovely or cute...pretty makes it sound like she's really pregnant if you understand what i mean.
    
p2. You need a comma in "through the bars, shelves and CASH are visible"
     When the head henchman says "this is a robbery!" it sounds cliched. I think everybody down is sufficient enough. Most people would have dropped already by the sound of the gunshot.
     Make sure you keep constant between either capitalizing Henchmen throughout the scenes or leaving them uncapitalized.
     Again, comma in "After a few moments of scrambling, the robbers..."
    

p4. You have thing in here that would only be used in a shooting script, like FX and through credits. You don't need them until you plan to shoot the script.
      When you describe who's in the basement, you say "Also Detective Mills..." using "also" sounds like you were going to continue the sentence, but didn't. "Among them" would be better.

p5. Another comma "Behind them, Detective Drake.."
      In Detective Drake's dialogue you need commas "They were murdering, gang-banging dirt-bags"
      Detective Drake's second dialogue, do you mean we've? and you need a comma in  "Every time we'd charge them, witnesses..."

p6. Either you need a comma in "Just as abruptly, it's still..." or change it to "Abruptly, it's still", but in the same paragraph of action you say they are still, but they continue to move. Take one of the two out.

p9. Police shouldn't be capitalized in Ellis' dialogue.
     Hallway shouldn't be capitalized.
    
p11. Why is GATES capitalized? If it's the name of a new character, you don't capitalize it in dialogue. Wait for an action line, and I think...don't quote me...that you need to wait until they're in the scene. It's not a rule, but it helps.
     I wouldn't say BIMBOS...partly because it's not very descriptive, and partly because bimbos could be male or female.
     Agent(s) doesn't need to be capitalized throughout.

p14. "He meets the Captain's look" make sure you have that apostrophe

p15. Another comma "Putting his hand on the knob, he ..."
       Again "Using the doorway as a cover, he..."

Overall, I found the story very interesting. I want a little more development when it comes to Guy. It would add length to your script and added what happened with The Banker. Guy seems mysterious, and I want more of it.

For some reason, I really like Melissa. I think it's how she's devious.

Archer seems boring, and I don't like him. I want something to set him apart from everybody else, because right now he seems exactly like the other cops.

This script seems heavily villian-ated (word? lol). I hope more heroes show up quick.

Good writing. The only reason I'm so picky about punctuation is because my mom is an english teacher and i'm pretty sure it rubbed off on me. I hate it when people don't use commas. The dialogue seems real. A little heavy on the poor grammar...you use "got" instead of "have" a lot and I think you need to find a healthy balance between the two.

Send me a message when you write the second episode, because I'm sure I'll read it.

Again, thanks for the read and review on my script. I really appreciate it.

Bangston

Hey, thanks for checking it out.  
Yea, missing some commas.  Usually I'm better than that, I think I hustled a bit to get this up.  
I think youre the second to comment on the 'we've charged them'  part.  I cant back up the grammar, but that sounds like a common dialogue conjuction of we have charged them.  But since youre the second I'll change it.
I'll work on Archer, I agree he's a little bland at the moment.  He should be displaying more character as I continue.
I hadn't really thought about how villainated the script was, I guess I just find them much more fun to write.  But I'll start working in some heroes.

Thanks for the notes, they'll definately be useful.  Let me know if you get anything else up that you want me to check out.

Hey Jackx,

Nice work here.  I really enjoyed it and look forward to reading more.  Below are a couple of typos I picked out.  As Malcolm said, nothing major and you may have already picked up on them, but I just wanted to point them out.

P. 3 – “costumers” – S/B customers.

P. 3 – “He swings cane forward to next bar…” – S/B “He swings the cane forward to the next bar” I believe.

P. 6 – “The scene is recognizable as the crime scene outside.” – I think you might be able to just cut this.

P. 7 – “Between then are a notepad…” – S/B “Between them…”

P. 7 – “CAPTAIN ELLIS: I’m just the guy who tries to keep the balance.”  I liked this line.

P. 10 – “Archer catches up the the Captain in his office” – S/B “catches up to”

With regard to the story, I thought this was really cool.  Unfortunately, my limited imagination precludes me from coming up with cool stuff like this.  I particularly liked the Gates character.  If I had to pick a superpower, invisibility would def be near the top.  The two bimbos were a nice touch as well.  Haha.

I also like the Guy character.  I think you did a nice job of humanizing him.  Yeah he’s working for an evil superhero and he just helped rob a bank, but then he comes home to a dingy apartment and a pregnant GF/Wife and you at least get the feeling that they are trying to get out of this rat hole.  While I’m interested to see where the story with Archer and Darwin leads, I’m just as interested in the Guy/Rosie storyline.  

I thought the dialogue was good.  My only caveat/suggestion, and it’s really not a big thing, would be to be mindful of writing the dialogue for the cops.  I think that police dramas are so pervasive in pop culture that it can be difficult to write convincingly.  I think that you were able to do that here, just keep it in mind.  

All in all, I def enjoyed this and look forward to reading the next episode.  Please let me know when it comes out.

Craig

Thanks for the edits, yea I was still missing them.
Just submitted a revised version, unfortunately without the typos you noticed.  
I also submitted episode Two, which will hopefully live up to the first one, and I would definately appreciate any suggestions once its up.

Anything specific you would like me to return the favor on?

Hi Jackx,

Terrific start - pages 1-4 work really well.  Great visuals, could def see it in my mind's eye.

I really think you have a nice little thing going on right here.  The writing is very good, very visual IMO, and I enjoyed this second edition.  

SPOLIERS

I think you did a good job of sowing the seeds that everything is not what it appears.  Meaning, perhaps Darwin isn't necessarily the "bad guy" after all.  Sure, he kills, but why is he killing?

I really liked the Rosie and Guy story line from the first one, and although we didn't see as much of them in this ep, I still enjoyed the shooting range scene.  I think they are the people that the audience is going to most appeal with considering they are the most "normal" in that they are looking for a better life.  I would love to know more about Rosie and her back story.

My one suggestion/critique is that I think that you need to determine what genre you really want this to be.  I can see this as a modern day, film noir/supernatural cop drama.  At times I think you hit on each of these genres well, but at other times, they kind of go by the wayside.  I think you need to pinpoint the genre first and foremost and then take it from there.

That said, I really have enjoyed both of these.  Like I said, the writing is really good IMO, and the stories, well, I wish I could come up with this kind of stuff.  Really nice job, and keep it up.  I think you are on to something.

Below are a few things I picked out.  Nothing major, just figured I would point them out.

An UNKNOWN POV walks through the Projects. - p. 4 unsure if this is proper format.  I get what you are saying (i.e. someone is walking down the street, and taking in the landscape), but maybe UNKNOWN MAN might even be more descriptive.  Again, I'm not a formatting expert, and would have to cosult some books, but figured I would throw it out there.

"uncomprehendingly" - p.4 - might want to use a different word as you just used it on the previous page with the cute cashier.  Not a biggie, just to keep it fresh.

"A loud OS gunshot, then receding echoes." - p. 5 - nice segue.

"GUY
You’re anticipating the
recoil. You flinch away and push
muzzle down." - p. 5 - SHould it be "you puch THE muzzle down"?  I'm not familiar with the terminology so could be wrong here.  

MRS. COLINI
No, this is sleeping your way into
a story. And I did enough of that
for the both of us. - p 8 - Ha, nice line

"Beat, Melissa upset". P. 8 - I think you'd be better off just using a wryly here.

"She sits in from of a computer screen," p. 15 - s/b sits in FRONT of a computer screen.

"Melissa looks through the photos on
last time, then slides them into a briefcase." - p. 16 - s/b ONE last time.

"duck-taped" - s/b DUCT tape.  I've always called it duck tape as well, but just googled it on a whim.  Who knew?  Haha.

"Guy nods, the three of them being moving down the rows of
cabinets, looking for something" - p 21 - s/b the three of them BEGIN moving...

P 21 - nice transition between the banker/guy and Archer's pursuit to Darwin's arrival.  Pumping up the action.

"ARCHER
There’s no way out, guys." - p 23 - I'd lose the "guys".  Too spot on, IMO.  Just, "there's no way out".

The Banker and Guy come up through floor of a typical white
on white hospital room. - P 23 - s/b come UP through the floor.

Guy curls on hands and knees, retches onto the tile. - P 23 - Nice touch.

G-Boy flies bodily through the air, impacted a street lamp
and crashing to the pavement. - P 24 - reads a little awkard.  I would think about re-working this sequence.

Craig