Who's Your Heavenly Father Bitch? by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short - Two men, one woman, and the Christ child. Who's the father? 10 pages - pdf, format

Let me start this by saying that I'm probably the most irreligious and irreverent person you'll meet in any given day...

Having said that, this was a cute premise that might have worked as a daydream of a student during bible study or a priest questioning his faith.  As you have it set up, we're to believe that this actually happened.

Now on to the content. First, the stoning and the "God as a person" bits were done to perfection - in a semi-tasteful and VERY funny way - by Monty Python and Family Guy, respectively. Your jokes are done for shock value and I didn't find any of them funny.

Different and/or shocking does not always mean interesting or relevant - I usually take Marilyn Manson as an example - boil away the gimmick and you've got some pretty bad heavy metal music.

My guess is that you're going to get flamed for the content in this, and you'll defend yourself by claiming that the attackers are prudes or religious nuts.  In the end, I think you just need to re-visit a somewhat cute and different concept and re-do it in a way that's not just shock for shock's sake.

AJR

Yo dude. I think you're really starting to hone your style at this point. Part satire, part loud, obnoxious and unapologetic. That's the pattern I'm starting to see in your work anyway. The angst of growing up in a faux Bible Belt shows through as well. In short, you're really starting to incorporate your personality into your scripts which shows you're getting the hang of things.

The premise was pretty genius. Well, maybe not genius but pretty damn clever just the same. One or two jokes may have gone over my head. You know me. "Heathen." I don't know who the fuck Esther is but was still able to draw the parallel based on the Maury show comparison.

A couple of suggestions. First off, God as a "gangster" was a little too easy. It's not a bad concept to start with but it was a little too by-the-numbers. I think you could've taken it further and given him something uniquely him. Lil Wayne has basically made cough syrup his pimp goblet in the eyes of the public, for example. No other rappers are known for that. Something along those lines. I would also lose the "blasphemies" (that is, "goddamn," "Christ," etc). First off, Maury isn't on cable so pretty anything remotely offensive would be bleeped out. More than what you've already bleeped out. Secondly, since this is occurring before Jesus grows up and gets his ass martyred, the words don't have the same poignancy or relevance.

Other than that, not bad. I know you were really excited about this one but I have to say I liked To Molest A Molester better. That one was pretty close to classic. Just me though.

ajr, thanks for the read, but im going to have to thoroughly disagree. first, i dont think family guy was ever funny- and all they do are jokes for shock value. second, shock value works as long as its smart and creative. although i try to stay away from jokes which are done for shock value, i cant help the way they are viewed. maybe its because i went to church for 15 years that i dont see them as shocking. last, i doubt im going to get flamed for content. have you read some of the other religous scripts on SS? no body criticizes them.

james, thanks so much for offering advice that i could actually work with. i know the scripts far from perfect, but i need to know specifics for the rewrite. and your advice offered just that. i agree with everything you said. thanks buddy.

ab,

Okay, explain this to me then, since your justification for your "smart and creative" shock material is that you went to church for 15 years (as did I).

Do you know the difference between satirizing religious dogma and writing a script where God is a "gangsta" character and uses words like m'effer?

The difference is that you started out doing the former, which I noted in my review as being somewhat creative, and you ended up doing the latter, which, to me, is cheap, lazy and unfunny.

Agree to disagree I guess...

ajr, i still dont see how you can be a family guy fan after describing your views. when i talked about going to church for 15 years, i was explaining why jokes about God aren't that shocking to me anymore. ive heard a lot of blasphemous humor - and i dont find any of it offensive.

heres the dilemma that i had when writing this sketch - how far do i want to alienate my audience? i wanted this script to appeal to people who are knowledgable about the bible and those who arent. only those people who know the bible through and through would get the references to Stephen and Esther.

also, i think you need to keep in mind that this script is a spoof of maury as well. god is a gangster because thats how guests on maury act. then again, maybe i watch too much daytime television.

alb,

First, yes, I'm a Family Guy fan, and second, I wasn't shocked - I just didn't laugh.  What I said was that you used profanity AS humor, not as the amplification of humor.

Even your friend said that all the words you used would have been bleeped in your premise.  If every fourth word that God used was bleeped?  Might have been funny.

You say that the "Maury" setup lends itself to those characters.  So what if Joseph was the deadbeat dad, plus the beeps over the language, and God was a busy executive who never got off his cell phone?  Or a little, nebbishy nerd?  Or a re-enactment of Tom Bosley from "Happy Days"?  Making THOSE situations funny would be good writing...

Again, the "who's your daddy?" aspect of this?  Funny premise. But the rest of the script was not making fun of dogma; it was a parody of Springer, Maury, etc. and we've seen those on SNL, Mad TV and the like ad naseum...

If you hadn't "thoroughly disagreed" with me right away I might have been encouraged to share these thoughts and suggestions with you before...  (0:

Quoted Text If you hadn't "thoroughly disagreed" with me right away I might have been encouraged to share these thoughts and suggestions with you before...  (0:

actually thoughts and suggestions would of been appreciated in your first post. thats why we're here, to offer constructive criticism to each other. i have no problem you saying that you didnt like my script. but just saying that you didnt like my script isnt useful to me at all. you might as well not even posted

and for the record, ive never seen a business exec on maury...

I count five paragraphs in my first post, in which I told you I thought the concept was good and told you in what vein I thought it would work better, but that I didn't care for your execution.

Re-read it - I never said I didn't like your script, and AGAIN, I quite like the premise - I said I didn't find the jokes funny.

Good concept, poor execution - sounds like advice to me?

a sentence isnt a paragraph. and even if you do count it as a paragraph, five paragraphs should not equal a simple "good concept, poor execution." i need specifics.

and yes, i know you never said "i didnt like your script." in my previous post, i mistakingly wrote "you didnt like my script" instead of "someone not liking my script." i wanted my post to be more generic, rather than specific. but that was my fault obviously, not yours.

Then next time ask for clarity instead of thoroughly disagreeing and I'm sure any of us would be more than happy to provide it.

I knew it. I knew it all along. Snoop Dogg is God.

Ha this was a hoot to read. Loved it.

Didn't quite catch who the real father of Jesus was. Was expecting A horny goat Satan to walk on stage at the end to collect his baby jesus but the script just kind of stopped and we never find out who the father is. Unless I just missed it.  

hey tonka, thanks so much for the read and im glad you enjoyed it.

actually, about the father thing- i was thinking about having king herod come by with the fake glasses, nose, and mustache on and calling himself Joe and saying that he'll take care of the baby...but i figured ill wait til the rewrite to see if someone else wanted to know what happens to the baby. so thanks for the help!

Quoted from screenrider You're treading on hallowed ground, Albino.   I'm thinking Phil Clarke Jr. might've had you in mind when he wrote Bad Penguin.   Okay, I should probably leave his name out of this being that he's a born-again athiest.  But it was a funny thought.  As for me, I'm a born-again Christian, so it's no surprise to you I see this script as an outright abomination.   Not even funny.   You're spitting directly into the face of God himself.   On a positive note I'll say I really enjoyed your script Abra Kadabra.  You've got talent.   But this one ain't happening.   Just my opinion.  Take it or leave it.

Yeah, I can imagine how the content of this could just creep up on you, given how ambiguous the title is and all.

hey screenrider, thanks for the read and the compliments. my apologies if i offended you. if i might add, i think its very respectable and brave of you to go onto a forum and say youre a born again Christian - you must get a lot of shit for it. i would know, i used to be the same way as you (and i still am to a degree, but we wont get into that now haha)

in all actuality, im getting the best response from those scripts which are PG rated - both Abra Kadabra and Male Implants are being produced. since id much prefer to have my scripts produced rather than be "shocking," i think im going to tone it down a lot. i love dark comedy - its just hard making it PG rated haha

anyways, screenrider, you have my sincerest apologies and my utmost respect- just wanted you to know