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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Man X Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 2nd, 2010, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Man X by Brian Tipton (briandt75) - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Two NASA recruits learn about life, death, and the possibility of second chances in the far reaches of space.  Scott Majors is an elderly man. The tale he’s about to tell, of his time in the NASA space program, is amazing. There he meets Josh Mitchell - a man who will, twice, change his life and possibly the lives of everyone on earth. 112 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 26th, 2010, 8:11pm
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ajr
Posted: February 3rd, 2010, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brian,

So I usually look at page one of scripts and if I see that things flow nicely I may read on. Unfortunately you have a lot of concerns on the first page, and it indicates to me then that they may follow throughout the story.

For example, you describe the old man, and you introduce him right after that in parentheses (SCOTT MAJORS) - you can call him old, but his name doesn't get bracketed.

The part describing him is overdone and blocky.  Too many people will tune out on this if they see more than four lines of narrative at a time. Try to write in more short, halting sentences, and if you still feel you need all the description, hit return a few times to space it out.

Then you go into great detail about what the young woman and her son are wearing. That's best left to wardrobe, so there's no need to waste valuable script space on it unless it's intrinsic to the development of the story or personality of the character. Something tells me that Sarah wearing a skirt is not significant over and above an everyday wardrobe choice. Same for the kid's t-shirt.

Also, you have Sarah speak, but you haven't introduced her. We still only know her as the young woman from the narrative.

Examples of how you can save space on the overwritten narratives:

page 1 - "The woman puts her hand on the man’s shoulder and speaks gently to him" should be "Sarah gently touches his shoulder." Done.

page 2 - Cell phones don't ring "suddenly" - they just ring.

Things like that. Hope this helps.

AJR



Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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briandt75
Posted: February 4th, 2010, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Very informative AJRS, thanks so much for your feedback.
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briandt75
Posted: February 4th, 2010, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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I've revised the opener and most of the rest of the script is a quick read. Short descriptors for the duration.
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ajr
Posted: February 6th, 2010, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brian,

Okay, so I opened your PDF and it doesn't appear the revision is posted. If you submitted one to Don just know that he is super-busy with this site, plus he has a real life, so it may be as much as two weeks before you see the re-do posted...

In the interim, it seems to me as if you changed your logline.  Right now it reads like a mini-synopsis, and it's all over the place. The first sentence is in the present - i.e., the astronauts are young. Then Scott Majors is an elderly man. Then he meets Josh Mitchell - what, when he's young again?

You see what I mean. You can't jump all over the place. Plus, loglines are two sentences tops, and preferably one sentence.

There is a thread on the board called "review my logline" - you'll get some great advice there - Bert is an expert at it (doth he protesteth too much). You'll get it ripped to shreads, but in the end you might have something viable with which to query.

Also, I noticed you (partially) took my advice and offered a script exchange. I'll give it to you straight - very few people will take you up on it until they see your name around the boards.  How will they see your name? You have to give reads first.

Read 10 short scripts (I hear "New Year's Eve" by ajrscreenworks is fabulous!). That's less than your offer of reading a full feature, plus it gets your name out there 10 times with feedback.

And remember, talent is just one part of the equation - talent plus discipline plus the willingness to pay your dues is the recipe for success...

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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briandt75
Posted: February 7th, 2010, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey AJR, thanks again for the great advice. The revised version should be up in the next day or so, whenever Don gets around to updating it.

It's interesting about the logline. I initially was sending out query letters with a one sentence logline, and I was getting zero responses. Having changed it to read like a little mini-synopsis, I've gotten several dozen requests to read the script. That's without attaching the full page synopsis. It's just a bit of trial and error, but it seems to be having more effect this way, although everyone on the boards tells me the logline is a must. It may also be that the logline I had initially was pretty vague in comparison to the relative complexity of the story, so maybe the logline I had originally was way too boring. I just haven't been able to come up with a one sentence summation of all that the script has to offer.

If you can get past that first paragraph of descriptors, the rest should read pretty fast. I'm mostly looking for some sectional critique, not really the overall story. The story is where I want it, but there are a couple of scenes that I'm wondering if they work. There's a scene near the end where Mitchell explains something fairly in-depth having to do with earth history. You'll know it if you get to it. I'm wondering if that segment plays allright.

again, thanks so much for your interest.
Brian

p.s. Thanks to Don for the awesome Buckaroo Bonzai quote at the bottom of the initial post. I love that movie.

Revision History (1 edits)
briandt75  -  February 7th, 2010, 1:14pm
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ajr
Posted: February 7th, 2010, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I saw that you posted on IMDB Pro the other day about where to send queries. Amazing that you got several dozen responses with this logline, but hey, you can't argue with success!


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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briandt75
Posted: February 7th, 2010, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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If I had to guess about the why's and wherefore's of a successful query, I'd be forced to say that people generally respond to whatever it is that would make YOU respond. I tried to create 4 or 5 questions within the query, and then only answer 1 or 2 of them in the full page synopsis. At that point, hopefully, the reader will be so invested in the concept, that they have to read the script in the hopes of finding out the remaining answers.

I could be over-analyzing. Thanks for the support!

B
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