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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  David and Sarah Moderators: bert
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  Author    David and Sarah  (currently 676 views)
Don
Posted: February 12th, 2010, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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David and Sarah by Steve Chase - Short, Romance, Porn - A fun read, but be warned that it contains graphic sex scenes. A twist on boy gets girl, etc. Here, girl get boy and so forth. Not for TV but I think an interesting look at the fringe.  42 pages - pdf, format


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 4:32am Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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Chase...

It's not even your logline but more so your writing that will have most reviewers clicking the close tab.

I'd put the title and the copyright on a seperate page.  I also noticed it was from 2005 as well.

"We see,"   "Camera moves here, camera moves there."  You need to introduce your characters properly as well.  You don't.  All CAPS when you do.  Your missing some scene heading that really need to be there.  Three I counted within the first four pages.

I'm skimming now... at page#16.  To this point you still only have one scene heading and your missing alot.  When you introduce Jason, no longer need to call him young man anymore.

Dissolve to... cross dissolve

Skimmimg again... still no other scene heading and more of the same Chase.  I'm done.  The subject matter is the least of your problem, there's just so many issues with this man.

I have no idea what you were thinking or made you want to submit this but IMO this is pointless.  Others will probably disagree.

Have you thougt about sending this to Vivid?

This was what five years ago, so I've seen your name on here before, so maybe your writing and formatting is better but I would have left this one in the basement vault to be honest.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter


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