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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Cul-de-sac
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Don
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cul-de-sac by Ezekeil Obregon - Short - {no logline} - pdf, format


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Don  -  February 21st, 2010, 2:36pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 12:36am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Oh boy...we end on a very sour note.  This is the last of the 31 entries, and again, I'm sorry, but there's no way I'm finishing this.

I'm going to assume this is from a very, VERY new writer and isn't some kind of joke.

This has got to be some of the worst dialogue I've ever seen.  It's so bad it's very funny, actually.  C'mon, now, read this stuff back out loud and see how it sounds.

Intro your characters immediately with a name and don't go back and forth with "Man" and "Zeke", or whatever.  Truly comical, sorry to say.

I don't mean to be an ass or mean, but this is just too much.

Read lots of scripts.  Watch lots of movies.  Learn how this stuff works, cause this isn't going to cut it.  Best of luck.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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Too the writer...

For the good, congrats on finishing the challenge.  Unfortunately, theres a lot of things wrong with this.  It was tough to get through this but I don't jump ship, so I made it.

I hardly ever comment on dialogue but yours was just to Robotic.  No pun intended.  Maybe in the future.  Try to stay away from the camera directions okay, no need for that whatsoever.  Concentrate on telling your story.  I have to admit this was absolutely hilarious.

Read scripts, more books, ask questions.  This is a beginning and we have to start somewhere.

CUT TO:  CAMERA FOCUSES THROUGH: and your list goes on and on.  You'll have to be more creative.  I'm quoting myself here...

There may be occasional literate moments in a script, but a screenplay is really an assemblage of information, a manual written in the present tense for people who already know how to make a movie. A screenplay has a small but sophisticated reading audience. The camera person does not need to be told how to place the camera for a shot. The set decorator does not need to know the weave of the fabric on a piece of furniture. The director does not want to know the expression on the face of a turtle crossing the road.

After reading this, I kind of get what you were going for but I don't think it worked.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

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"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Kind of a cross between Stepford Wives, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Village of the Damned.

The visuals of the antagonists are quite good. Shadows with glowing blue eyes, that could look exceptionally creepy onscreen.

I didn't feel there was quite enough meat to the story, but I think you've developed some characters that have potential for the future.

The dialogue is a bit robotic as others have mentioned. It works for the "outsiders", not so much for the real people.

I was also a little put off by the product placement. Maybe you've already got a sponsorship deal in place though...

I reckon a better angle on the blue eyed would be to relate them more to electronic phenomena, even the Facebook thing you have. A kind of online singularity that sucks people in and takes them over.

All in all, it definitely needs a bit of work, but there is potential there.

If you were to expand on the concept I mentioned, making them more of an online phenomenon, it would also make it very relevant towards the chosen medium as well, the Moviestorm software.

You could then play with the audience and raise expectation that they will be sucked into it.
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Trojan
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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Sorry to say, but this one was not good. I had to force myself to read through to the end as it was poorly written and all over the place. Lots of errors and mistakes, wrong punctuation etc.

The dialogue has been mentioned. It really was awful. Not having a go at you, but nobody anywhere would ever speak like this. When you are writing dialogue, think about how it sounds out loud rather than how it reads on paper. I'm guessing this is one of the first (if not the first) screenplays you have written. Dialogue can take a while to get the hang of so keep working on it and you'll improve.

As for the story, it was a nice idea but then sort of fell flat at the end. Ultimately, what was the point? To get people to move out of their house? It had a strong supernatural theme which was good for the challenge, but the story was lacking IMO.

As others have said, keep writing and read some screenplays. Oh, and cut out all of the camera directions and other garbage. Make it as easy to read as possible.

Cheers,
Tim.
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jwent6688
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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Well, enough negative has been said about the script... Unfortunately I can't come up with any positives. You've got a lot to learn yet. I saw a good opportunity for some added creepiness when they were IMing each other on facebook. You could have made that scene much more intense IMO. Just another unexplained version of Body Snatcher's I guess. Sorry, nothing good to say.... James


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khamanna
Posted: February 18th, 2010, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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It's a very good story and I noticed that the descriptions are very good too. The only thing is Camera direction and all the funny dialog (especially the bit where Zeke doesn't want to shake "lady's hand") and name mix up.

I'm pretty sure you did it just for fun. Enjoyed the story. Not extremely original but straightforward and engaging.
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: February 18th, 2010, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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Well, the American housing market is a very dark and scary place indeed. Assume that Monica and Joe got sucked into an adjustable rate mortgage (even though their lender swore up and down that it would be fixed at 5/30)...

Deuling Banjos is the song from Deliverance...




Title page looks like it's Final Draft, so you may have already made at least some investment into this; As others have mentioned, read, read and read some more. In my opinion, One for the Road was an outstanding entry. Take a look at that. Study it. See what worked. Read the reviews and comments. Issues and Killing Gene were very good as well. Check them out. See how it's done. As far as this entry, not very good, unfortunately.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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