Hawkins and Dover Episode One by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Hawkins and Dover battle the evil Androgyne, the double-gendered villain with magical powers.  The heroes find themselve battling each other because of his/her pheromones.  But does the mysterious Sybil know how to end their civil war? 16 pages - doc, format

Hawkins and Dover Episode Two by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Harry Hawkins and Debra Dover become Sybil's personal hawk warrior and dove peacemaker.  All because of the first Zodiac Killer known as the Child Hood.  Who can turn himself from a man into a boy and vice versa. 24 pages - doc, format


Hawkins and Dover Episode Three by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Sybil sends the heroes to the river junction.  But Hawkins and Dover encounter someone other than the Aquarius Killer.  All the while, Dover fears for her future family. 16 pages - doc, format

Hawkins and Dover Episode Four by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - The mysterious Sybil has her regular meeting with the mysterious federal agent Victor Miles.  Meanwhile, Hawkins and Dover battle the Merman.  But his electrical abilities short-out their powers. 21 pages - doc, format

Hawkins and Dover Episode Five by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Hawkins and Dover try to locate the serial killer called Breakneck.  Instead, they find a man about to commit suicide.  Will the mysterious Sybil allow them to save the tormented soul? 21 pages - doc, format

Hawkins and Dover Episode Six by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - The mysterious Sybil foresees death in Dover's near future.  As a result, Hawkins must take on the controversial Leather Man all by himself.  But Sybil did not foresee the special link between the hero and the villain. 19 pages - doc, format

Hawkins and Dover Episode Seven by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - A Crisis in the Comic-Book Store occurs when Sir Plus takes the heroes hostage.  He is disgusted by the sex and violence in today's comics, so he has plans for a revolution.  And the mysterious Sybil can relate to the villain. 23 pages - doc, format

Hawkins and Dover Episode Eight by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - The Aquarius Killer drowns his victims on land while Hawkins and Dover are on a wild goose chase.  16 pages.  Rated PG for fantasy violence. 16 pages - doc, format

Hawkins and Dover Episode Nine by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Sybil foresees the evil scales of justice about to strike an innocent man.  But Hawkins doesn't think the man is so innocent, so he flies off.  Dover must capture the G-Man alone. 20 pages - doc, format

Hawkins and Dover Episode Ten by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - Sybil uses her wealth to help the poor and homeless.  But the Scorpio villain has his own ideas about the war on poverty. 23 pages - doc, format

Hawkins and Dover Episode Eleven by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi - The racist Aries villain uses his minor power to strike terror in the black community.  WARNING: This script uses the ultimate ethnic slur against African Americans.  - doc, format

Hawkins and Dover Episode Eleven by Richard Ashcraft (the richcraft) - Series, Sci Fi -  The Cancer villain abducts the three heroes and holds them for ransom.  While they wait for the banks to open, Sybil reveals her secret origin in this double-length special show.  - doc, format

Hey. This was interesting. Not in a good way.

First off, take all your camera directions out. You don't need them and they are distracting.

Second, you do a lot of telling, and not showing. A LOT of telling.

Third, everything's in exclamation points! Take them out and put in some periods! (I'm not putting !'s to mock you) If the characters are yelling, say they are yelling. Or put the dialogue in caps.

Fourth, everything moves so fast and happens so easily for the characters. We don't know why they are hunting him. We don't know anything about them, and it makes me not want to read it.

The dialogue seemed extremely fake. You really need to work on it.

I only made it to page 10. You really need to work on this. Read some screenplays and get the hang of it, then come back with a rewrite. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it needs some work.

I'm sorry you didn't like the script.  However, I was surprised by some of your comments.

I don't see how taking out the camera directions would still make it a film script.  Also, as I read in many books about scriptwriting, there are more camera directions in action movies, especially iin sci-fi scripts.  I was also using the WGA booklet's instructions on script-writing.  You may want to send off for it and read it yourself.

I think stopping a serial killer requires exclamation points.  Periods are used for more regular conversations.

If you had continued reading, you would have seen that the episode started ie media res, that is in the middle of the action.  Everything was explained at the end of the episode.

I do thank you for your comments.  After I finish posting H and D as a labor of love, I'll post my script for The Legion of Super-Heroes, the one that Steven Speilberg read but passed on.

Quoted from TheRichcraft I don't see how taking out the camera directions would still make it a film script.  Also, as I read in many books about scriptwriting, there are more camera directions in action movies, especially iin sci-fi scripts.  I was also using the WGA booklet's instructions on script-writing.  You may want to send off for it and read it yourself.

What books would that be? I'm curious.

You know Spielberg picked through my garbage last week, but my empty tuna cans were not right for his next project...

The books I read were from about twenty years ago, so I don't remember the titles.  I remember that Syd Fields was one of the authors.  Steven King had written one story as a screenplay (I think it was The Storm), and he used a lot of camera directions.  I used nowhere near as many in H and D and the Legion.

But super-hero/comic-book scripts generally have more camera angles in them than most regular films.  That's because camera directions were trying to show the stories like panels in a comic book.  I can't see Hawkins and Dover staying on EXT. A ROOFTOP - NIGHT when eventually they wind up flying on the other side of town.  Plus, they might get smacked into a wall by a villain.

Read some of the super-hero scripts listed on this site.  You'll find the proof there.

As for Steven Spielberg, well, according to my agent at the time, he wanted to do a little thing called The Lost World instead of the Legion of Super-Heroes.  Of course, agents lie.  But I find it hard to believe that she also forged Steven's name and stationary logo on my rejection letter.

Quoted from TheRichcraft Read some of the super-hero scripts listed on this site.  You'll find the proof there.

The only proof I'll find is that you don't seem to know the difference between a shooting script and a spec script.

Richard, maybe you could go on Simply Radio one time and tell us how you got the script into Steven Spielberg's hands.

I think your story has great potential but I am confused about time sequences in the two episodes -- and there's just too much talking, too much explaining about alchemy etc..  Also, I would encourage you to emphasize things that give the audience a feeling of wonder, about the characters and the story, instead of just a feeling of "oddness".

Also, I think you need to have a way of naming characters more clearly when they change from being to being, it's confusing the way you have it now, although the way you describe Debra being possessed by the bad guy seemed to me to work well, there's just too much "morphing", considering that we don't hardly know the characters at all.

The Lyle Waggoner reference makes me think you're going for a clever maybe even campy sort of a tone with this -- which could work, but I hope it doesn't overpower your script; it seems like you've got a story to tell that could hold the audience's interest.

It's been a while since I've written scripts, so maybe spec scripts and shooting scripts may have changed in that time.  I do have the revised edition of the WGA's Professional Writer's Teleplay/Screenplay Format booklet copyright 1983.  I was told by a representative of the WGA that most writers use that booklet.  However, none of the screenwriters I've talked to have ever heard of it.  So who knows?  The advice I've read in many script-writing books seems to be contradictory.

I'm holding off on the Hawkins and Dover experiment (and it is rather experimental)and concentrating on the Legion rewrite.  One book told me to always make paper copies of my scripts should my computer crash.  It did, and now I'm able to re-present the LSH soon.  I think you'll all like the characterization, plot, and bits of humor.  I'll also put my Genesis and Revelation script on here.  I wrote it for the BBC, which considered it for a long time.  But the format I used was the one they recommended.  But then I read the Being Human script on SS, and it was a bit different.

All I can say is that all the scripts I've bought and read do not seem to be very consistent.  Has anyone else had this experience?

By the way, read my play Leo and Virgo when you get a chance, lol.

I'm revamping the series as I came up with a new angle.  But do try reading my script for The Legion of Super-Heroes.  Thanks ,everyone.  

The Legion of Super-Heroes.

Didn't Alan Moore write that one. As Mrs. Doyle said "I'll give it a go, Father" but high hopes hang low.

I do have to agree with previous comments. Hey, the rooles are for da fooles. But they are there for a reason. Spec scripts need to be either Genius or by someone whose known within 'those' circles. Camera directions etc. You can have the odd one, if the script needs it. But, stacks of em in a script by a non industry type is gonna get you in a bin with the Grouch from Sesame Street quicker than than a hooker in a hurry.

I tried to read your scripts here. I failed. Sorry fella. You can write. But this needs work. A lot. Writing as a pro does ain't really gonna work. There are some good scripts on this site. Don has some great scripts on the main SS site. As do IMDB amongst others. Hang about here and you'll suss it. Good luck.

R

Dovi here. -Thanks for reading my junk. -I checked out your zodiac deal. (not the whole series)-Some excellent imagery there. I don't care what anyone says, your dialogue is coming along just fine. One thing I did notice was a tendency for your scenes to meander visually. Tighten those suckers up! If you're not into sci-fi you can lose interest quickly.  

Dovi. Can you read junk? I've got loads. Can't say it's readable though. I liked Zodiac. Fincher's a genius.

DO you really think RC's dialogue is "coming along just fine". I can't say I completely agree.

I'll give you an example...

Quoted from The first script on this page, opening dialogue. Page One                HAWKINS                     Whoa!                               DOVER                     What is it?  Do you sense where                     Breakneck is?                               HAWKINS                     Yeah!  I finally got a mental                     picture of the bastard!                               DOVER                     Where is he?                               HAWKINS                          In a house!  West of here!                                                                2                               DOVER                     Lead the way!

Erm. I'm not inspired. Please feel free to tear apart my scripts. I got loads of other junk round here too.

Oh, by the way. I'm not sober either. I can quite get nowty when I'm sober.

R

Thanks for the invite. -Dialogue in this particular genre does not come easy. I've read (and written) worse. -Far, far, worse. "Coming along" means exactly that. The Richcraft's got a ways to go, -as do most of us on this site.