Murder and Love by Maurice Vaughan (screenwriter reese) - Short, Drama, Romance - A 1950's mobster is interrogated by his ex-wife who's a police detective for the murder of another mobster. 7 pages - pdf, format

Seriously now.... Sonny and Tony?

Anyway its a nice script with a very expected twist. I know that will happen for page 2. Not a good thing.

Something i find strange is your logline. You said a 1950 mobster.... except from the fact that his name is Sonny how i know that its 1950, you dont give this.

That was a good read.

Thanks Dimitris for the comment. Yes, I'm aware that it's a short with an expected twist. It's a sample from a bigger project I'm going to work on. I just use it as one of my many writing samples. In the script at the start I stated that he was a mobster in 1950. Thanks again for your input.

Maurice Vaughan - Screenwriter

Wobbles! I just started reading your script and the font looks weird, to say the least. It isn't ruining me reading the script, but man, I think it should be changed.

I finished the script. It was okay, but barely. You have two people talking in one room for 7 pages (7 minutes if transferred to film). It is interesting for the first few pages, but after awhile, I just stopped caring. The formatting is good, so you don't have to worry about that. The story, itself, is just too long and not interesting enough to hold my attention. The twist wasn't VERY predictable, but I kinda saw it coming.

I am glad this is just a small part of a bigger project that you have planned because this is clearly something that should be much longer, in terms of the story.

I just can't keep away from the boards... As much as I wanna stay productive in my own work, anytime I get some free down time "like now" -- I find myself coming here and milling over someone's script.  Giving my time away for free and for scripts that usually suck goat nips.

Anywell, with that said, this is what I think of your script.

I think Sonny and Susie becomes monotonous at times to read and decipher.  I'm by no means feeble minded and I keep stumbling over their cue's and I hate that.  Sonny - Susie - Sonny -Susie...  Ah, the madness.  Change her name or his.  One of the two but do it.

For the most part, and it's surprising me saying this about someone who's work I've never seen before, your dialouge is pretty decent.  It fits the bill and mold and it seldom strays.  There is an instance on page 3.

Sonny -  On accord of business

Change that to account.  Regardless of how cool you think it is or the character trait calls for it... Don't say accord there.  Say account.  It might not sound as dynamic but it damn sure sounds more realistic and it reads better.  That's what's important.

The story is lame... It's sappy and it's cheesy and it's about as gay as a rainbow tattoo would be on Elton John's left buttock.   I'm not saying you don't have a story here.  Like a bigger one but with just 7 pages it is so forced and so typical it's not worth shoe horning into a short.  You should stretch it out into a much longer affair and do a little song and dance before you get to this stage I'd say.  And I'm sure you do in your final script or whatever the same fuck filled in china cups you're doing with the material right now.

I think your formating is there... I see some instances where you need some guidance and some places where things should be tightened up more but overall you grasp the concept of what a script is and that's important.  

1.  Double space after each period.  Dialogue and action alike.
2.  Break up your action with "-" instead of"."  It makes things move faster.
3.  Cut back on too many actions per character in paragraph and bring them down into list form almost.
4.  Don't be so on the nose with your story telling and dialogue.
5.  Cut and ommit when in doubt.  

Those are 5 things I can see right off the bat you need to work on.  I think the dialogue fits the bill, as I said before, and I think it flows down the page alright.

It's not original.  It's barely entertaining.  It's hanging on by a thread and that's scary when you look at turning it into a full length affair but it isn't without its charm...

everyone seems to have commented on what i would have suggested. overall i thought it was an okay read. not really that captivating and very, very cliched. in fact, i was expecting some surprise ending that never came. if you can come up with a really interesting and clever twist at the end, then the whole cliched set up would work. but for what it is right now- ive seen and read this before. theres nothing new about it.

at any rate, im glad to hear its part of a larger project. i was very interested in the script at first but the longer i read the more boring it became. hence why i was expecting a real kicker at the end...which never happened