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Hey! This was an interesting little script, I didn't see where it was going or what was coming at all, but it wrapped up nicely. I liked your descriptions, however, there were a few errors with the dialogue I picked up on:
I know you’re fed up here but some but you can’t keep on dropping me in it like this...
I’m fed up of hearing you say sorry, I’m sick up doing of doing your job as well as my own.
Might want to fix those and also there's one time where you're missing a space inbetween a line but they are all things that can be fixed with a quick re-read. But overall, I liked this, I liked the characters and everything. Good Work!
Thanks for the kind words Kev, I've corrected those errors you spotted. I really should learn to start reading my scripts through once I've written them!
slugs should read EXT. STREET - DAY not EXT. STREET. DAY.
CAP Michelle when you introduce her.
JOHN Morning.. Sorry, I slept in okay?
MICHELLE (Still angry) For the third time this week? I thought we’d sorted this yesterday? You can’t keep doing this you know? I know you’re fed up here but some but you can’t keep on dropping me in it like this...
Watch your ??? Don't belong on some. Michelle's last sentence needs a fixer.
page 2 and a boat load of typos mon. proofread a bit.
White on a screenplay, for some reason, is considered a good thing. I've grown found of it meself. Try to keep action paragraphs under four lines.
other then that decent read, I think the setup could use a little work, bit ambiguous, but I liked it.
Apologies to anyone who has read this, but some how a few paragraphs went missing and this script is incomplete. In fact, it makes absolutely no bloody sense whatsover without them. Sorry.
Apologies to anyone who has read this, but some how a few paragraphs went missing and this script is incomplete. In fact, it makes absolutely no bloody sense whatsover without them. Sorry.
Thought I was too drunk to understand, so i went straight to bed after reading this. Apparently I hadn't reached full retardation yet. Will read the re-write when it's up.
You might want to break up the action on page 3 and 4. A golden rule I learned from a few screenwriting books suggest that action should not be longer than 4 lines as it is a big put off to a reader. Otherwise an interesting plot and a good read, good luck with it.
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Future Calling
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