Consequences (in short) by Simon Colligan (SiColl007) - Short, Horror - Unexpected turn of events 16 pages - pdf, format

SC,

Have we been reading Jonathon Swift? I like Swift. He was good.

I refer to the length of the sentences. Auld Johnny boy would be proud of some of them himself.

I love it when people just talk. They don't do anything else. They haven't got anything else to do. Just say one thing then the other person says their thing and they say something else and so it continues, just happily chatting away.

My apologies if necessary. I've had a lickle drinkie. Not a big one. Just lotsa lickle ones. I might have some more.

There's a good story in here somehwere. Good title too. Not sure you need the bit in brackets.

I'd say it needs work. But then again. I say that about everything. Everything except Kate Winslet. Or possibly Audrey Tatou.

Now. I'm feeling soppy so: I'm gonna watch Amelie again.

I do wish you good luck. Keep at it.

R

Need an age description for Lizzie. You only have to cap their names when you introduce them.

Not gonna comment about the dialogue as far as tongue, is foreign to mine apparently. But the blocks are rather large. Don't see one going off for that long in normal conversation. Especially two who have just met.

EXT - DAY Is not a proper slug.

no (CONT'D) on dialogue page break between 7 and 8.

Oof typos keep piling up here.

Wow, gonna try to bail early cuz this was awful bad. Total "Hard Candy" rippoff ending too. but the typos blew me away. I'm done. Probably spent more time writing this then you did proofreading your script.

utter, complete and total whale shit shot out of a dogs cock... This is one of the most blatant attempts of mirroring I've seen in some time.  

(aside from the situation I have with Harms... but that's for another time.)

What you've done here is sit down and pull up "comcast on demand" and look for every direct to retail and DL flick you could find.  You stumbled upon "Hard Candy" like ol' buddy said and then thought "I could do that better"... Which you didn't.

As I always say... You never take a shitty idea or concept and build on it for your own work.  It never works.  It becomes even shittier because 9 x's out of 10 the writer is going to suck even worse than the original writers who penned the idea to begin with.  So, that's what we have here.

A script chalk full of narrative.
A script chalk full of ridicules mistakes.
A script chalk full of cliche's and open what have you's.

This is why I'm leery of uploading my work anymore... Because writers like yourself tarnish everyone's work.  That and you've already displayed the fact that you're not above stealing other people's ideas.

Quoted from Baltis. utter, complete and total whale shit shot out of a dogs cock...

I'm not a vet, but I'm pretty sure that's impossible...

Oh it is...

I read your script last night.  I'm working on a review for it right now, in and between.  I'll post it over on Circalit when I'm done.  Reading scripts on Circalit isn't the easiest thing to do.  That flash pop up thing.  

Hi thanks for all of the replies - some of which surprised me, and some of which I understood.
Rendevous: No,  but I will give him a quick read, and see what he is like.
jwent6688: Thanks for the input, and yes - I do need to be more careful with my typos, I do proof-read, but obviously need to do more - I can't comment on the hard candy bit, as I have not seen it.
Baltis-: To be honest, your feedback in unhelp, I am new to this game, I barely understood half of what you were writing: I have no idea what comcast on demand is; I have never seen Hard Candy:
  "As I always say... You never take a s****y idea or concept and build on it for your own work." can you expand on this please - this was my idea, I have have not read anything similar.
  "That and you've already displayed the fact that you're not above stealing other people's ideas.": I'm sorry, but that is a complete lie. I will however try and see or read the script from Hard Candy, and then maybe I can make sense of your aggressive approach.
  "DL flick..." What is that?
  "This is one of the most blatant attempts of mirroring I've seen in some time." Kindly tell me what this is - is this another way of saying copying?
As I say - I appreciate you reading my stuff, but your feedback (dare I say it) is probably worse than the material that I wrote.

I had a few problems with this script.  It ran too long for me.  Your descriptions can be cut by a third.  And while I liked reading Jack's colorful dialog, it grew tiresome after a while.  I know that some people talk like that (I have a neighbor who does), but that doesn't mean you have to write it.  And a lot of it was also on-the-nose.

Jack's intentions and actions were completely out of left field, which didn't work.  In movies, when stuff like this happens, there's usually a clue that we, the audience, are given.  The clue doesn't mean anything, usually, until the evil begins.  And that's when we say, "So, that's why he buys so much fabric softener," or something.

I wish you had mentioned Jack's motivation for his actions.  Just saying he does it isn't enough (something I've said about many scripts).  And saying he's crazy isn't enough; he planned what he did.  The same can be said for Lizzy; why not just call the cops the first chance she gets and escapes?  Guarantee her escape!  Instead, we finish up with what might happen if the Joker and Catwoman went at it.

You can easily cut this story down to ten pages, and it would make the story that much better.  JUst keep things simple.


Phil

Hi - thanks Phil - a couple of people have said that my description run to long, and I've been reading scripts here and other produced work, and I can see that t's an area that I need to address.

I watched 'Hard Candy' the other day - great to see my scene in it! But I can also see how the writer ties in motivation more strongly. Thanks for the feedback, though - it's taken on board.

Quoted from Forgive I watched 'Hard Candy' the other day - great to see my scene in it! But I can also see how the writer ties in motivation more strongly. Thanks for the feedback, though - it's taken on board.

At least you took the time to watch it. Good on that. You've posted alot of scripts of late. Either you're just churning them out like a machine, or you've has a good deal in the hopper and decided to post.

Like I said, clean them up better if you continue to expect people to keep reading them. Especially if you'r cranking them out. I'd limit my scripts to two at most everytime Don updates the unproduced.

Quoted from jwent6688 Like I said, clean them up better if you continue to expect people to keep reading them. Especially if you'r cranking them out. I'd limit my scripts to two at most everytime Don updates the unproduced.

This is something that I've really been thinking about, based on the feedback here - better to have one good than four duff.