Flicker by Simon Colligan (SiColl007) - Short - A man has a heart attack… 9 pages - pdf, format

I don't know if I missed something, but I just didn't get this story.  I'll have to read it again.

I think you're too wordy in your descriptions, Simon. If you cut back on these large blocks of direction (a big Bozo no-no), you can easily trim a page or two off the script. The same goes with the dialog.  The paramedics talking sports is fine, but you don't need to show the entire conversation.  It just dragged the story out.  The same goes with Jill's interview.  BTW, how do you show that Jill is the wife of the man in the car. How is this shown on the screen?

Hope this helps.


Phil

PS:  you need a better logline.

didnt get the point of your story.maybe too wordy. check out your format and your spelling.