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The problem with scripts like this, where the main character is talking to an unseen character, is that the reader's mind starts racing to figure out who the second character is. And usually it's one of two: it's either a mirror or a corpse. It didn't take too long to figure out that the second character was a mirror.
I thought you went over the top with Man (who you should really give a name to; he is the main character).
I wish I could be more helpful with this. More positive. But there's only so much one can say about a three page script.
I have mixed feelings about this one. I like it, but then again I don't. I think I like it mainly about the writing--the descriptions mostly. I thought they were great. But then again, you had too much of them. You go into great, great detail, much like a novel, but that's not what a script is. Keep them short and to the point. You describe how crappy the room is, but you also go into every single detail about it. Just say something like, "The room looks like shit."
Okay, not the best example, but still, just keep it short, but with enough information so the reader can get a picture in their head of what it looks like.
I thought the ending was going to be predictable, that he was going to be talking to some dead body, but your ending caught me off-guard, which is both a good and bad thing. It's good, because I wasn't expecting it. It's bad because it just ends. Where do you go from here? He's talking to himself, but now what? It's 3-minutes of pointlessness right now. So his life is going to shit, so what's next? This is another short story that could be expanded on, and I think you should try and push yourself to do so.
Nice job, Martin. Was worried at first because of how much detail you were going into setting up the location and character. Which can be a big turn off with readers. But I would let it slide here because of how short the piece is and the reveal of who the guy is talking to. In this, I think you actually need all of the detail to give the set up some breathing room before the punchline. Others might argue that though.
I actually enjoyed your writing style very much. I would if I were you though brake up your paragraphs. It looks very chunky on the page and made me groan. Fortunately the story was not bad at all. I knew he was talking to himself the whole time. That's not really the point here. The point of this story is the Man revealing to us his own self hatred.
To experience the rush nay the climactic thrill, knowing that someone has taken the time to read your work is.....well, enouugh of the psychophantic blah blah.
But really, thank you all for your time and comments. I'm learning so much!
Phil. I think I've read every post of yours since I discovered this site, and I find your comments valuable, insightful sometimes ascerbic. Good! This was/is my first attempt to hone (?) or at least improve my writing skills on the imagery front. I toyed with the idea of giving the MAN a name, but I convinced myself that as no one would use it, it would be redundant. As I'm still very wet behind the ears, I can see this is a mistake. Thanks for the read.
Sean. Hey Sean. I liked your review...but then I didn't. No, seriously, as I said to Phil, this was a deliberate attempt on my part to improve my imagery writing and I guess as I was writing it I suppressed the thought that I might be going over the top. My wife loved it, but she also loves me and Danielle Steel (God!). Anyhoo, thanks for your comments and your motivation. I absolutely agree with all you said, and I need to be braver(?) more brave. Thanks for the read.
jm. (Is that how I should address you?). Thanks for the comments. Apart from the writing improvement, which I have alluded to copiously above, I thought that by describing the scene in such detail would give any prospective DoP (yeah, I should be so lucky) a chance to work their magic. I thank you for your time and the fact that you have sat back and considered where I was coming from and going to. It's an onward journey made easier by comments such as yours. Thanks.
me. Hey me. As I've said before, I'm a real greenhorn here. I'm trying to teach myself the etiquette of script writing by reading as much as I can. Still not confident with formatting and action scene set-up, but I guess that'll come. What you have pointed out to me is that when I look at the page, if I don't like it, it's wrong. So thanks for that and also that you really got the whole point of the piece. Haven't we all been in this situation? I know I have, dirty toe nails an' all. Thanks for the read.
You definitely have a great writing style. I love your descriptions. Could be a little shorter, as some have suggested. For me, the problem with this one is that I knew who he was talking to at about a page in.
And the ending is a little "eyeroll" inducing. I'd love to see your writing skills applied to a better idea.
Overall good work here. Your ability to write is fun to watch. I would be careful of overwrting in it. Describing a mug as "Someone's favorite" will open up the debate to unfilmables again. Debated many times.
Two things... The apartment is in such disarray that i would have to believe this mirror would bit quite fogged and shit stained. I got the impression we just watched this entire short staring into it. would seem out of place if it's refelection were pristine.
Think it would work better if he was drinking alcohol and smashed it in a fit of drunken rage.
Gotta admit, thought the audience was being taken on a ride to hell at first. "before we offer our apoligies and excuses."
You know I'm kinda new in this territory and I wanted THE MAN to just look into the camera (I dunno, is that a POV? but that''s good ol' me right there, naiive as can be.)
Toyed, struggled and eventually submitted to myself over the alcohol. Looking back probably woulda worked better, bu scared it might be too autobigraphical
The crap covered mirror, nice touch, maybe last visual before smashing, as it might give the whole story away. (Yes I know it's pretty transparent anyways, but please just humor me. I'll be fine when d medics kick in!)
Seriously though, thanks for your time, comments and motivation.
I read this with my own directors mind. He would be looking at the camera the whole time. When he throws the mug at us the image on the screen would shatter having us realize he was talking to himself.
For a two or three minute script it would be no big plot hole if the mirror we were watching this in were clean. Maybe he keeps it clean so he can downgrade himself.
well since you're fairly new, i want to say great job. really, for someone that's still learning, this script was superb.
even though i like your style of writing, you've got to shorten your descriptions. way too long. but i guess thats fairly easy to do- the hard part is getting your writing style down.
also, i knew what was happening from the very start. so i was kinda disappointed with the ending. but this script seemed more like an exercise than anything else, so it served its purpose and served it well.
Hey James. Always to to the point and succicnt. Keep on telling me how it is sews I can improooove. Luv It!
Em.
Thanks for reading Al (Bino). Dunno how to address u. You're absumutely correctomundo, Completely O.T.T. wid d descrriptions but trying to push d envelope. And den d postmen only knocks twiice, right?
Thanks for the read and really appreaciate your comments..
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