Thou Shalt Not Cheat by Graham Murray - Short - Would YOU accept a challenge from your Maker? 9 pages - pdf, format

While I thought this was a cute story, there were several problems with it.

For starters, it's just too damn long.  You're very heavy-handed when it comes to both your descriptions of things and dialog.  You can probably cut the page count in half without affecting the story.

The doctor and God sounded exactly alike.  At first, I thought it was intentional, but I changed my mind.  You just write very on-the-nose dialog. You need to correct this.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Thanks for the read doggllebe - I shall bear your suggestions in mind.

Graham

Interesting read. Visuals good. dialogue could be better. God ask Sven to tell HIM what he was thinking about. Doesn't GOD already know.

Quoted from keypecker Doesn't GOD already know.

Maybe he just wants to enjoy conversation.  If he really knows everything, he wouldn't be visiting the doctor at all.


Phil

God was just being nice.  It would be hard to have a conversation with the Almighty if he didn't use his powers in front of you.  God had to talk like a regular person.

The descriptions were a bit much.  I think you can cut them down a lot and make the script more easily readable.

"Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out."

                                Metatron - Dogma

Quoted from keypecker Interesting read. Visuals good. dialogue could be better. God ask Sven to tell HIM what he was thinking about. Doesn't GOD already know.

Thanks keypecker

No, God would not necessarily know what Sven was thinking, depending upon your beliefs. God created us with free will and therefore private thoughts.

Of course, this shoots the theory of private prayer to #%$#$@ doesn't it?

Graham

Anyway, just BELIEVE he doesn't

Quoted from dogglebe Maybe he just wants to enjoy conversation.  If he really knows everything, he wouldn't be visiting the doctor at all. Phil

Phil - precisely so. God is merely intrigued by what this "smart monkey" is up to, and decides to to teach him a lesson, as it were, knowing that He has already won the 'contest'. Sven's arrogance blinds him to this.

Would God allow Himself to be outsmarted by a mere human?

Quoted from dogglebe "Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out."                                 Metatron - Dogma

I wonder dogglebe, how anybody knows this?

"They" say that drowning is not an unpleasant death.

Who did they ask?

Quoted from TheRichcraft God was just being nice.  It would be hard to have a conversation with the Almighty if he didn't use his powers in front of you.  God had to talk like a regular person. The descriptions were a bit much.  I think you can cut them down a lot and make the script more easily readable.

Thanks RC - which description in particular were you referring to?

If you let me know, I can revise them on my original for later use.

Cheers

Graham

This wasn't for me. Even though it was an interesting look at God versus science.

My problem was god was not impressive. In dialogue especially. He was an equal to Sven. It's very difficult writing someone more intelligent than yourself, so to write God? I admire the challenge, but you failed IMO.

The only thing God did this entire time to put Sven in his place was create a bird out of soil.

Then of course the ending. This could be good IMO if God slowly wears him down through dialogue. Sven realizing he is no match. Other then that, God is just a magician. He was not more intelligent IMO.

This needs work. Good luck writing God, I've got no advice on that other then he'd better be damn impressive for it to be belivable.

James

Thanks for the read jwent - much appreciated

Quoted from gmurray "They" say that drowning is not an unpleasant death. Who did they ask?

My victims....


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe My victims.... Phil

Ha-ha! Of course, the next obvious question is: "Well, is it?"