SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 26th, 2019, 11:40pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Writers' Tournament is back...


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Back Fence Talk Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Back Fence Talk  (currently 1660 views)
Don
Posted: April 26th, 2010, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12993
Posts Per Day
1.94
Back Fence Talk by Ovi Akpojotor (24 grams) - Short, Drama - The friends discuss the mysterious disappearance of their neighbours. 22 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 21st, 2010, 3:20pm
revised logline
Logged
Site Private Message
tgood
Posted: May 30th, 2010, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.00
This is a fun read and an interesting concept. One issue, however, is simply by the nature of the way it's told, the "twist" at the end was fairly obvious within the first couple pages. Additionally, your summary, while intriguing, kind of gave it away.

On a more nitpicky level, this could also use a proofread. The errors weren't prolific, but there were several. For example, there's a moment when the character speaking is Michelle when I think it was supposed to be Naomi.

As far as the dialogue is concerned, it sometimes feels unnatural. The two main characters seem to swing back and forth between very formal phrasing and awkward grammatical errors. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but I found it somewhat distracting.

All in all though, this is a thoroughly engaging script with a good concept. With some polish it could be something excellent.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 16
24 Grams
Posted: June 4th, 2010, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks for reading. I was beginning to think I wasn't going to get any comments...22 pages can be a bit too much for people especially when you read it and it's c**p : ). This script though, I don't think so. Regarding the twist, yeah I was trying my hardest to avoid that...But then again tgood, I'm guessing you've read quite a few scripts in your time. Do you think anyone else (not so studied) would have seen it coming?

As for the mistakes I guess I have to read it again...I assume you're right though. I kept getting those names mixed up while I was writing (for some reason).

I can understand the formal writing though, I can get carried away... I sometimes forget that I'm not writing an essay or a letter after all this is supposed to be fun writing.

I'll be sure to review your next script.


Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 16
JBrow
Posted: June 5th, 2010, 8:43am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
I found this script to be a great read, yes there were a few typo's and the ending was obvious, but I cant remember the last time I read an article in the newspaper w/o at least one typo. Or seeing a movie ( and I watch a lot of movies, as I'm sure you all do) where the ending wasn't apparent by, at best, half way threw. I loved it, I'm nobody, but I loved it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 16
Coding Herman
Posted: June 5th, 2010, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
458
Posts Per Day
0.13
Sorry, 24grams, I knew you got some good responses from the previous two reviewers, but the script just didn't work for me. I'm not here to bash your script though.

First, I'm going to talk about the technical mistakes. If there are only a few, I'll let them pass, but there are actually tons.

You missed a lot of V.O. from Ada and Naomi when they were not in the scenes but talking about the scenes. That could be confusing because people will think the women were present when they were still outside the apartment complex.

Lots of pass tense and passive verbiage. (e.g. is "--ing"). If you use present tense, it'll make the read more active and shortens the sentences. Usually action paragraphs shouldn't be over four lines. It's not a golden rule, but people tend to skip over those. Try to break it up into separate paragraphs.

Then there are the montages and flashbacks. They don't work here because they are inactive writing. Many of them are showing us things that we get with one scene: they have financial trouble, Michelle is suspicious of Clayton having an affair, etc.

The biggest problem for me is that the story is told by Ada and Naomi retrospectively, rather than them experiencing them first hand. It would make it a much more engaging read if the women witness the events in present time.

A lot of tightening can be done. The first three pages of small talk between the women can be trimmed down by a lot, or not even needed because they are not part of the story. This script, if done properly, can be trimmed down to half the length.

Story-wise, it's actually pretty straightforward and the payoff isn't that satisfying either. All those talk and suspicion for nothing. It's like going for a treasure hunt and found the treasure box empty.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but this script needs a lot of work.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 16
Craiger6
Posted: June 5th, 2010, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
244
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hey Ovi,

So, I guess I'm going to land somewhere in between your other reviwers.  I thought the writing itself was more than adequate, while there were some formatting errors.

As far as the story, I have to be honest, I enjoyed it, and didn't see the ending coming.  Then again, I suppose I would agree with Coding in that I almost wished that (SPOLIER) something more sinister had happened.

That said, I liked the overall vibe of the script.  Its woman gossiping meets CSI.  Who can't get behind that???  Seriously though, I think you had some nice visuals here and I could see what you were going for in having Ada and Naomi  kind of witnessing what was going on.  The only thing that I would caution is that you may need to re-check some of the formatting issues.   Coding suggested that it should be an (O.S.) when Naomi and Ada are witnessing the events, but then again, they are actually on screen if I'm getting what you are going for.  Like I said, I would try and track down the proper format for this kind of stuff.

Some rewievers will probably have a problem with the flashbacks and stuff like that.  I've never totally got that, but there are a couple of places where I think you can cut down on it, or at the very least, break it up (see below).

Anyway, here are a couple of things I picked out, page by page.  I hope it helps.

P. 3
“I know it gets dark later this time of year, but four? And she tries to creep in...”

I liked this line.  I think we’ve all been there in our younger days.  Trying to sneak in drunk, thinking we are being slick when in reality we are making a racket.  Ah, the good ole days!

P. 6

MICHELLE
Ada, Clayton. Clayton, Ada. (at
Clayton) Sort it out.
Michelle returns to the food. Clayton puts his paper down.
CLAYTON
(at Ada)
Hi, have a seat if you want.
Confused, he shrugs at Ada (gesturing towards Michelle) and
goes back to his paper.

It may just be me, but I found the directions (i.e. at Clayton, gesturing towards Michelle) a little distracting here.  Not sure if it’s because of the way you formatted or not, but maybe think about reworking this.  Again, just my opinion.

P. 6

EVERYTHING ZONES OUT AND THE SURROUNDING SOUND DIES TO A
MUTE.
Naomi appears on Clayton’s chair.

I liked this.  Honestly, this is what drew me in.  Nice touch, and I could def see it in my mind’s eye.

P. 8
“MICHELLE
I’ll take your advice and head back
inside. Thanks Ada.”
I think you might be able to cut stuff like this.  Seems superfluous.


P. 8
ADA
This was what she was concerned
about.
Maybe a wrylie here.  Ada (to herself).  Not a big deal though I don’t think.
P. 9
NAOMI
I have to say, this feels all too
familiar.
I take it, this is Naomi interjecting while Ada is relating the flashback.  I honestly have no idea if this is formatted correctly, but again, I can see it.  I would just check to ensure that this is proper formatting.
P. 12
END FLASHBACK.
BEGIN ADA’S FLASHBACK:
I think you might be well served to split up the previous flashback and this one with a little dialogue between Ada and Naomi on the bench.  Although I don’t mind flashback at all, I think it may be too much to go from one, right to another.  Break it up a bit.
P. 13
BEGIN NAOMI’S FLASHBACK:
Same as above.
P. 14
He hides to gym bag at the bottom of a wardrobe, Michelle has a glimpse of this before closing her eyes.

Think s/b “He hides THE gym bag…”

P. 18
ADA
And This is when I realized.

“This” is capitalized.

P. 18
NAOMI
How sick do you she is?

S/B how sick do you THINK she is - I believe.

P. 20

She slowly heads for the door, facing her him as she moves.
Finally she’s there.

Her/him.

P. 19 and 21

SUPER: THE NEXT DAY.
INT. MICHELLE AND CLAYTON’S APARTMENT

On p. 19 you write the above, and then on p. 21 you end a flashback.  Think you missed the start of the flashback on p. 19.

P. 21

ADA
Interesting theory, but I don’t
trust accuracy of your sources.

I thinkit s/b “I don’t trust THE accuracy of your sources.”

Overall, I liked it, though I think you can still bring it to another level.  As I said earlier, maybe something sinister does actually happen.  Perhaps one of Ada or Naomi are involved.  Maybe Naomi is the "other woman" and she has been pulling Ada's leg the whole time.

Anyway, as I said, I thought the writing was fine, just needs a few more tweeks, and who can't say the same about their own writing.  Good luck, dude.

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 16
24 Grams
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.01

Quoted from Coding Herman
You missed a lot of V.O. from Ada and Naomi when they were not in the scenes but talking about the scenes. That could be confusing because people will think the women were present when they were still outside the apartment complex.


There seems to be some confusion here, Ada and Naomi WERE in the scenes, they were BOTH present in the flashbacks. I tried to represent this as revealing their voyeuristic attitude, surreal I know, but I wanted something different than the standard flashback.


Quoted from Coding Herman
Lots of pass tense and passive verbiage. (e.g. is "--ing"). If you use present tense, it'll make the read more active and shortens the sentences. Usually action paragraphs shouldn't be over four lines. It's not a golden rule, but people tend to skip over those. Try to break it up into separate paragraphs.


Both of the things you mention here I tried...Maybe not enough I guess.


Quoted from Coding Herman
Then there are the montages and flashbacks. They don't work here because they are inactive writing. Many of them are showing us things that we get with one scene: they have financial trouble, Michelle is suspicious of Clayton having an affair, etc.


True. But this is just speculation. Nether Ada nor Naomi were actually there. The Montages are just actions, going on while the women are watching...because they are present. The montages are there mainly the accompany their conversation visually showing what they are saying.


Quoted from Coding Herman
The biggest problem for me is that the story is told by Ada and Naomi retrospectively, rather than them experiencing them first hand.


That's the point. They don't really know them personally, which is why they're speculating their disappearance. The montages are either speculation or they are flat out lies...none of these things happened. The flashbacks did happen but they are misinterpreted.


Quoted from Coding Herman
It would make it a much more engaging read if the women witness the events in present time.


This is why I include the receptive woman in the flashbacks too, even when in truth they weren't actually there. Look again in the first flashback Noami is sitting in Clayton's chair.


Quoted from Coding Herman
A lot of tightening can be done. The first three pages of small talk between the women can be trimmed down by a lot, or not even needed because they are not part of the story. This script, if done properly, can be trimmed down to half the length.


I've heard this one quite a bit. But i did this for several reasons:

1. To get to know the characters.

2. To set the scene.

3. This is what they do. They like to sit down and talk c**p all day. (if you would excuse my language).

4. I also found it hard for them to just get straight to the topic at hand. If anyone has advice on how to do this I'm all ears.


Quoted from Coding Herman
Story-wise, it's actually pretty straightforward and the payoff isn't that satisfying either. All those talk and suspicion for nothing. It's like going for a treasure hunt and found the treasure box empty.


Fair enough, but in terms of your analogy these women like treasure hunting just for the sake of the hunt even when they know that there probably isn't even any treasure there in the first place. Naomi is a single mum who has to look after her child all day...doesn't get up to much. Ada is a house-wife who does the reigns about her house, also, not up to much...It's a summer's day and all these two women can do is sit about fabricating stories and bad mouthing other people. While these supposed "killers" are one holiday.


Quoted from Coding Herman
Sorry if I sound harsh, but this script needs a lot of work.


No offense taken but regarding what I've just written, take a second read I bet this time you'll get it.


Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”

Revision History (1 edits)
24 Grams  -  June 6th, 2010, 5:21pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 16
24 Grams
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi Craig,

Thanks for the feedback. I hate posting twice in a roll but you're right. I can't believe there are formatting errors, I'm usually so careful with these things (then again I was a bit too eager to write this). As for Ada and Naomi being in the flashbacks...that's what got me to write this script, it is rarely done. This also explains why I found it so hard to find the proper formatting for it, I don't remember seeing this in any film so I couldn't find any examples.

I'm glad about the mostly positive feedback though, because to be honest this usually isn't my kind of story....I personally don't like dialogue driven scripts, and on occasion I went a little overboard on it. The bland ending was used to make a point (as I mentioned on the previous post) and I made a promise to myself that my first ten scripts (this is only my third) would not include sex, drugs, violence or murder...to force me to be more creative.

As for everyone that posted I'll return the favor.


Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 16
Coding Herman
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
458
Posts Per Day
0.13
Hi Ovi,

  I read over your comments and I tried to read it a second time. But the same thing happened to me. I lost interest right at the same spot as when I read it the first time (page 12 during the montage). Maybe it's only me.

  Once again, I'll reiterate what I think the main problem is. First, who are your protagonists? Naomi and Ada? Or Michelle and Clayton? If I word it differently: whose shoes should the audience be in throughout the entire story?

  If it's Naomi and Ada, then all we see them do is talk, talk, talk. They witness the events happening to another couple. And this is very passive. Furthermore, the first 3 pages of them doing small talk didn't make us knowing them any better. This is because character is shown by action during conflicts. All I know about them is they are gossipy. A person having 3 children, a mean boss, and a chihuahua does not a character make.

  What I think would help is: instead of having them talking about the suspicion, how about having them act upon the suspicion? Have them investigate what's going on. Now the audience is more engaged to their "adventure". But by all means, they can start by talking about the suspicion, but not for the entire script.

  If the protagonists are Clayton and Michelle (which I don't think this is the case), then we have another problem. The audience does not experience what the couple experiences first hand. We are always on the outside looking into their life. We cannot feel what they feel. This time the audience is passive.

  One more suggestion, if you really want to give us information about Naomi and Ada's life, it'd be better to bring it up when it's important to the story. Because the moment you mention it to us, the audience will raise a flag and think, "Oh, the writer is telling us this specific information and I have to remember it because it might be important later on." What if Ada's daughter or husband are involved with their suspicion as well?

  Once again, this is just my humble opinion. And by no means this is a bad script, it's just not engaging enough for me.

  Thanks for replying to my review.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 16
Coding Herman
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
458
Posts Per Day
0.13
By the way, I do understand your point of the script: people talk about things and they can be misinterpreted and wrong.

How about instead of having Naomi and Ada just plain talking after the fact the couple were gone, try having the women getting suspicious during the fallout between the couple. That way you can incorporate the women visiting the couple (**ACTION**), and then intertwine it with talking.

Just my 2 cents.

Hopefully more reviewers will weigh in on this.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 16
khamanna
Posted: June 7th, 2010, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3072
Posts Per Day
0.87
I love the idea and gossipers do have wild imagination... I loved how easily they switched to the next story

Few notes:

p1 - your opening scene - the set description is not very clear, I think - are they at the pool?

pp1-3 - I think you could speed it up and get to the heart faster - two gossipers found a new story!

p12 through 13 - Ada's flashback - has she seen all this with her own eyes? Maybe you could have her on the staircase, peeking in and seeing or hearing something through an open door...just like you did it at the beginning of page 14 where you show Naomi watching him converse with some man...
Naomi's flashback makes total sense - you show her hearing and seeing stuff...

p16- I think it's strange that Michelle should ask Clayton about what's been bothering him in front of Ada.

I have a short titled Gossiper. I'll think of smart title and post it here. Thanks for the read.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 16
24 Grams
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 10:09am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi again,

Thanks for the input Khamanna.  You made a good point about it being kind of strange for Michelle to ask Clayton whats bothering him in front of Ada. Maybe I can put that across more subtly.

and again coding, I accept everyone's feedback...particularly the ones which aren't positive. Your points are valid (some which I thought about while I was writing). This script isn't everyone's "cup of tea". I'm gonna set this one aside, perhaps you'll like my others.


Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 16
Angry Bear
Posted: June 12th, 2010, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6573
Posts Per Day
1.60
Ovi,

just read your script. I think the idea of two gossiping women getting their imaginations to run wild is good. Happens a lot in real life too. Especially with women. So the story itself here is perfectly fine. I agree it is a bit predictable, but that's okay.

What made this one miss the mark a bit for me is the way you chose to tell the story. In regards to typos and missing words, I usually ignore those, but they were quite rampant here which made it distracting. I would suggest that you listen to the last SimplyRadio podcast and the reason I say that is because Babz specifically mention words ending with ly and ing. That's something that hurts your script. Scripts should be written in present tense. The biggest part hurting this script however was the confusing way you told it. Many times I had to stop and reread because I had no idea what you meant. The flashbacks for example were described oddly and the were not in order.  One said three weeks ago (I think) and then after that another say eithe later or earlier and I didn't know if you meant earlier/later than the last flashback or from the present time. The other thing was Naomi and Ada appearing in those flashback scenes. For a while there I thought this had turned supernatural and they were sort of ghosting in on Clayton and Michelle. Many times I thought their dialogue should have been in (V.O.).

So, I liked the story, but I would have liked to see it unfold in a more clear way. It could also benefit from some tension added. Tighten it up. Give us some suspense and let us believe that the two women could actually be correct in their assumptions about the couple. If you don't the twist isn't really a twist, just what we expected.

Hope any of this will help.

Pia  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 16
24 Grams
Posted: June 14th, 2010, 10:54am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi all,

Thanks for reading Pia, your scripts are good quality so I appreciate your opinion.

I understand what you mean about the confusing flashbacks, as I don't specifically state the times of the flashbacks and they are consistent throughout the script. Perhaps I should scrap the "super" altogether as I believe it would make sense on screen or is there a better way?  I must admit though I am guilty of trying to condense everything to 22 pages and as the technique I was going for isn't used often I couldn't find any scripts that used what I was going for.  

In regards to the typos and missing words, the ing and ly are there throughout, I guess it's quite obvious I don't write scripts that often eh?

As I've mentioned before what got me to write this script was the concept of the two women gossiping about a subject while watching the events happening in front of them. As if the were watching a movie. The ending is predictable but I wanted to point out the fact that gossiping is typically exaggerated and I found it hard to convince the reader that the women might be right whilst at the same time not showing something that didn't actually happen.

Thanks for the critique.


Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 16
chelsea
Posted: July 25th, 2010, 4:32am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
156
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Ovi.

Just gave this'un a read.

Bravo for your bravery! The way you told the story with flashbacks, montages et al was challenging to say the least.

I think everybody's pointed out the typo's and formatting issues which can be easily attended to.

I however liked the storyline and felt it did examine the fact that some people have just too much time on their hands. (Imaginations running riot).

I also enjoyed the way both Naomi and Ada would pop up as nosey parker voyeurs, although a couple of times I had to re-read to find out where I was.

Overall though a very good effort.

Good luck.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 16
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006