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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Small Mercies Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 30th, 2010, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Small Mercies by Graham Murray - Short - Tom takes solace and seeks comfort by telling stories to his daughter, TARA. 3 pages - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: May 1st, 2010, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS...MAYBE...I'M NOT SURE....

I thought this was a good read.  Maybe a little heavy in description, but not too much.  I had a hunch about Tara as she spoken a little too well for a five year old,

Enjoyable read.


Phil
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screenrider
Posted: May 1st, 2010, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Graham,

Without stroking your ego too much, I've noticed you've been causing quite a stir around here with some of your scripts.  Good job on that.  Now to the story...

I read this last night and ended up thinking what the heck?  I didn't get it at all.  I just read Phil's review and figured I missed something so I read it again and realized (SPOILER) Tara was never there.  I'd like to suggest you make that point a little clearer in the end by saying "As they step out and gently pull the door closed, light from the hallway casts a silver beam across the book on the empty bed.  Or something like that.

As for the actual writing style itself it seemed a little clunky in places.  Also on page 2, you misspelled "faint".  Overall, excellent effort of telling a bittersweet story.  The ending could've had alot more impact had you shown Tara's Ghost standing with Jesus or an angel, when Jackie ask Tom "Do you think she hears us?"  

Well done.  Keep up the good work.

Mike
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dogglebe
Posted: May 1st, 2010, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screenrider
The ending could've had a lot more impact had you shown Tara's Ghost standing with Jesus or an angel, when Jackie ask Tom "Do you think she hears us?"


I think this would've been over-the-top as an ending. It's also a bit presumptuous on your part to assume that the family is Christian.  Not trying to start another religious throw down, but there it is.


Phil
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screenrider
Posted: May 1st, 2010, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe

It's a bit presumptuous on your part to assume that the family is Christian.  Not trying to start another religious throw down, but there it is.


Christian or not, if you're familiar with the term "age of accountablility" then when a child dies I'm pretty sure they end up in the arms of Jesus.  Not trying to start another religious debate either.  Just callin' it like I see it.
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jwent6688
Posted: May 1st, 2010, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Graham,

Probably from favourite piece from you so far. Good job with this one. I wouldn't change the ending. I liked it being subtle.

My only question was the book at the end. "Our Daughter"? Was he looking at a photo album as he recited goldilocks from heart? That was a bit vague to me. It's almost as if you suggested Tara was Golidilocks.

Nice work.

James




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Ledbetter
Posted: May 1st, 2010, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Lets not poke the spiritual bear you two.

It was a decent little scriipt. The ending was fine. Good job on the writing as well.

Shawn.....><
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: May 1st, 2010, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Nice heart-felt little script.

I agree that you need to make it clearer that Tara isn't there at all. Just a quick shot of the empty bed as the couple stand holding each other.

Other than that, it worked really well. Easily produceable and could do well in super short film festivals.

Rick
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gmurray
Posted: May 2nd, 2010, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
SPOILERS...MAYBE...I'M NOT SURE....

I thought this was a good read.  Maybe a little heavy in description, but not too much.  I had a hunch about Tara as she spoken a little too well for a five year old,

Enjoyable read.


Phil

Thanks dogglebe

However, I disagree about Tara's oratory abilities. My daughter is only four, and speaks just as well (if not better) than Tara does.

Just a few days ago she said, "photosynthesis", "tyrannosaurus rex" and "equity (?)"

So age is not really a determinant in such matters: it depends on the child's social surroundings and thence their environmental genetics.

There are adults who struggle to speak as Tara does

Thanks again.

Graham
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gmurray
Posted: May 2nd, 2010, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screenrider
Graham,

Without stroking your ego too much, I've noticed you've been causing quite a stir around here with some of your scripts.  Good job on that.  Now to the story...

I read this last night and ended up thinking what the heck?  I didn't get it at all.  I just read Phil's review and figured I missed something so I read it again and realized (SPOILER) Tara was never there.  I'd like to suggest you make that point a little clearer in the end by saying "As they step out and gently pull the door closed, light from the hallway casts a silver beam across the book on the empty bed.  Or something like that.

As for the actual writing style itself it seemed a little clunky in places.  Also on page 2, you misspelled "faint".  Overall, excellent effort of telling a bittersweet story.  The ending could've had alot more impact had you shown Tara's Ghost standing with Jesus or an angel, when Jackie ask Tom "Do you think she hears us?"  

Well done.  Keep up the good work.

Mike


Mike

Thank you. It is sheer coincidence, I assure you. I just write 'em.

I see your point about Tara not being there. However, what I tried to do to cover this was to have Jackie look into Toms eyes and nod - as I acknowledging Tara's absence and that he was imagining her presence. Obviously this does not work very well.

This said, some people get it, others don't. (shrug)

Both versions of "faint" and "feint" are acceptable. However, the adjective 'feint' is used to mean 'light colored, not dark' as in feint-ruled paper. Whereas 'faint' is actually a synonym for syncope. Americans simply use "faint" to cover all possibilities - I use it to distinguish between the two.

There definitely can be no ethereal presence - just to smarmy and cliquey. And, as has been noted, some may  be 'offended' by this. Not everyone is a Christian - but some also believe in 'ghosts'. It's a rock and a hard place.

Thanks for the read and constructive comments - always appreciated.
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gmurray
Posted: May 2nd, 2010, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screenrider


Christian or not, if you're familiar with the term "age of accountablility" then when a child dies I'm pretty sure they end up in the arms of Jesus.  Not trying to start another religious debate either.  Just callin' it like I see it.


Dogglebe - I am not a 'Christian' (broad term) but like you, I believe that children, by virtue of their innocence, probably go somewhere very nice when they are taken from us. We can but Hope.

There are times when I cry just by watching my four-year old playing with her toys. It's the innocence, the fragility, the absence of malice. And then I realize that she too, one day, will learn to lie, to cheat, and to deceive just like the rest of us as she becomes a real 'person'. An adult.

It's like some cruel trick of existence.

Graham
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gmurray
Posted: May 2nd, 2010, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
Graham,

Probably from favourite piece from you so far. Good job with this one. I wouldn't change the ending. I liked it being subtle.

My only question was the book at the end. "Our Daughter"? Was he looking at a photo album as he recited goldilocks from heart? That was a bit vague to me. It's almost as if you suggested Tara was Golidilocks.

Nice work.

James




James

As Tom falls asleep (perhaps) and is awoken by Tara's presence, and then hugs her with BOTH arms, we would assume that does not pick up the book again but merely TELLS her the story.
I had not thought about that.
Good point and the first time anyone has pointed it out.
Would it be so bad if Tara (or Tom) personified Goldilocks, given's children's wont to emulate story characters?

Cheers

Graham
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gmurray
Posted: May 2nd, 2010, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ledbetter
Lets not poke the spiritual bear you two.

It was a decent little scriipt. The ending was fine. Good job on the writing as well.

Shawn.....><

Shawn

Would that be like Muffin the Mule?

Thanks a lot

Graham
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gmurray
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Nice heart-felt little script.

I agree that you need to make it clearer that Tara isn't there at all. Just a quick shot of the empty bed as the couple stand holding each other.

Other than that, it worked really well. Easily produceable and could do well in super short film festivals.

Rick


Thanks Rick

I replied to that suggestion earlier. Indeed, this could well be made into a short, given a good director and cinematographer.

If I bunged say, Scorsese and Spielberg a tenner each do you think they may drop what they're doing and consider it?

Hope springs eternal.

Graham
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dogglebe
Posted: May 2nd, 2010, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from gmurray
Dogglebe - I am not a 'Christian' (broad term) but like you, I believe that children, by virtue of their innocence, probably go somewhere very nice when they are taken from us. We can but Hope


The point I'm trying to make is that, if you chose single deity (or implication of a particular faith), you may offend those who believe differently.  Right now, she's simply in a better place.

Do you think that some people might be upset if the story ended with Tara in Mohammad's loving embrace?  That's probably how you would end it if you were Muslim?  If you were Jewish, the story might've ended with Tara in Yehweh's loving embrace. If you were a Satanist MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!

By leaving it open, you don't offend anyone.


Phil

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