Eight Seconds by Anthony Russo - Short, Comedy, Animation - Two goldfish try to carry on a conversation. 3 pages - pdf, format

A classic who's on first skit meets the blue fish in FINDING NEMO.

At least that what I got from it. Then the audience thing, as though it were staged to begin with. It really didn't work for me. The writing was fine for a three pager.

Just not much there. Sorry.

Shawn.....><

  

Thanks for the read Ledbetter - and I had no idea about "Finding Nemo" until I wrote this!

Don't get me wrong on one point. Your writing is very good. Keep up the good work.

Shawn.....><

I thought this was a cute idea, a goldfish only has 8 seconds of memory, but the repetitiveness of it got a bit annoying.   I know it's a skit but it would be helpful if there was something more constant that they can play against.  Perhaps you could have the human announce your theme in some unobtrusive way.

There could be a castle in the bowl and when the human puts the fish in the bowl he can remove the castle and say something like he'll 'clean this thing'.

Then the fish start out with the castle and by the middle they've forgotten about it. So the human can replace the castle and they could notice the castle oh, deja vu...

Then they can do a bit more of the skit.  And you could end with the human looking at the tank saying something like ' I wonder why they never swim in that castle... '

Having the human standing there at the end also explains the audience line.

Anyway those are my thoughts.

Michael    

Michael,

Thanks for the read - and a good suggestion. I never thought of putting a human into this, but I guess it would work?

Anthony

I've had goldfish. They're memories are quite amazing. Every time I went near the tank they got exicited. After some training they calmed down.

However. I must stop using that word. And this approach. But for now, I will say this...

Your script works because it plays on a common misconception. And they are often and numerous. Like Bert I like to busta bubles. But here there isn't really one to bust.

Too much dialogue and not enough action for me. That's something I say alot. I hate repeating myself.

Anybong, enjoyed it. Good work me think while reading so that's that.

R

Thanks for the read Ren, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Anthony

Sam and Dave reminded me of Dory (Ellen Degeneres) in Finding Nemo. Good writing though. Just about the time I was getting a bit weary of the memory loops you pulled in the audience. Good timing. I liked MC's recomendations to give it a human touch.

I forgot my usual salutation: Hey Russo!

Gary

I agree that this is kind of like Dory in Finding Nemo. Which I liked btw.

I think you should ad at the end when Dave says "people who watch", a kid or two peering at them from outside with distorted faces.  

Pia / Gary,

Thanks for the reads. And good catch Gary, once I as the writer started to become annoyed, I ended it.

And I didn't know about Finding Nemo. Guess it goes to prove the old adage that there are only like seven original ideas in the world and it's up to us to tell them in a fresh way!

Oh, almost forgot - Hey Rademan!

Anthony

AJ, cute quick read here. I enjoyed it. Got a chuckle or two.

I like Cornetto's suggestion if you expand on this.

As is sits I think the ending could use a better punch line, but liked it nonetheless..

James

A few chuckles is good - thanks for the read jwent.

hey ajr,

let me start off by saying that ive never seen finding nemo. i hate ellen degeneres (even though im the only one who thinks she's not funny) so the thought of hearing her cackle for 90 minutes made me want to cut my wrist with a spork. but alas, im getting off topic.

i really liked the idea here. i thought it was fairly creative and had a lot of potential. furthermore it was well written (but thats to be expected)

unfortunately i didnt like how the whole ordeal was executed. i just thought it could have been better and i wasnt entertain by where it was going or where it went. and i think the reason for this is because its really hard to come up with 3 pages of snappy dialogue with two characters who just constantly forget things. to fix this problem i would suggest either adding a third character or have something happen to the two fish. for example, you could have a snail that talks realllllly slowly (then again, you could just have 1 forgetful goldfish talking to 1 slowly speaking snail). or you could have a cat trying to scoop the two goldfish out of their tanks.

i guess what im trying to say is that you need to throw something else into the mix here. you've got two forgetful goldfish- now have something happen to them that they can then apply their "forgetfulness" to...if that makes any sense haha

at any rate, an entertaining read for sure

Hey Anthony,

Cute. Sure, there are some similarities to Finding Nemo (which I feel is the best Pixar production ever), but it was rather limited in my book. With the setting being what it was - a fishbowl (now, that's a world contained), I thought you took it as far as you could. Did you stretch the story too long? No, I don't think so - but had you added one more word then it would've have been waaaay too long, you know.

All in all, a good chuckle-inducing read.

Cheers
Rob