Frankie by Simon (SiColl007) - Short - A man's past catches up with him. 6 pages - pdf, format

Gotta admit, I didn't get this at all. What was the purpose of going to the gorcery store?

This could be trimmed a great deal. Every night he's talking to Will and he finally shows up at the end??? Never really got what happened.

I'd remove the grocery store and laundramat scenes. Just have Frankie at the kiosk and Will comes to confont him. Some back and forth to give us an idea. Then you could have the same ending...

As it sits??? Doesn't work at all IMO. Sorry

James

I like beats. Musical ones. Not sure I likem in scripts. I prefer actions.

Not a bad style of writing. Not bad at all.

Unlike the ex pirate fella I could feel tension. But then I'm a bit weird.

I'm not familiar with taxi code. I presume someone who is could verify. I hope so.

When I see the word 'Clementine' these days I instantly of The ESOTSM. Which is damn good. So good work there.

Very visual script. A lot here for just six pages or so. A lot. So kudos there.

Good dialogue. There's not a lotta I can fault here.

You'd need a damn good actor to play Frankie. Good name that too. You clever barstard.

But then again, you always need the best actors you can find. Or that budget will allow. That's why the big boys get millions just for signing on the dotted line. Talent good looking and clever Barstards they are. Even if they were born in wedlock and lust.

Good work. Keep it cooking. I shalla bea watching. As I'm sure some others will.

Good luck. I hope you don't need it.

R

Quoted from rendevous Unlike the ex pirate fella

The Cappy is back... Better to stick with same avatars I reckon. Ren and I disagree Quite a bit. So take what ya like from our differenting reviews.

Thanks for the feedback - glad that you enjoyed it rendevous.

The stuff with the grocery store and laundromat was, on the one hand to give it visual impact - I imagined going from the dark to the bright light as having a visual impact.

Second, it was to give it some more time scale - Will keeps on coming in because. maybe he hasn't made a decision yet - becuase he offers Will fruit and a cigarette, then this suggests that the events are occuring over a couple of nights - it's like Frankie is being haunted by this guy -

I also felt that it gave the impression that if Frankie wasn't talkingto anyone, then he must be really nuts - offering food 'n' fags to (either) an apperition or himself (in the glass at the front of the main kiosk).

Also, in each of the day scenes Frankie is talking himslef through the events, furtively asking people what he should do, and looking for advice or guidance - I liked the idea of giving him a social side in many ways - I thought that rounded his character.
But I'll do what I normally do - read it again with your thoughts in my head - and see how is works.

BTW - I'm based in England - so some of the words I use reflect that - and also that's why some of my responses to people's feedback is delayed - it's not ignorance or anything...

Simon

I spent a lot of time under Thatcher in Blighty. Not literally by the way. I'd rather eat pooh. Good luck with Cameron, hope you still don't need it.

Suffice to say I remember quite a bit of this script. Struck me as rather good. Keep it up.

R