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Hank Grey and the Master-Piece of Shit by Teo González - Short, Comedy, Fantasy - A businessman with a large dose of self-importance gets home from work to find that some things escape his control. 5 pages - pdf, format
Dialogue seemed okay. Hank should be (O.S.) on page 5 not (V.O.).
Other then that, since I didn't get it, not much to say. Don't even have an opinion. Fucken waste of a post if you ask me. So why did I post this? Dunno.
Good luck, maybe some more enlightened folks can be of more help.
I didn't get it either. And I even tried to read it again in order to get it.
I think this was supposed to be a kind of joke with a punch line. Maybe the author edited it and deleted out something that was critical to the story. Maybe not - who the hell knows?
The formatting was ok. I didn't really care for the dialogue, it seemed a bit too on the nose for me.
I sincerely hope this guy is around to explain it.
Ok having read how this plays out, and the length of the script, I figured this might be an entry from last month's Movie Poet comp. So I had a look over there and I was right, although I see you have changed the title.
The general reaction seemed to be that people didn't understand it, the same as on here. But there was no explanation of the story after the results were announced so I don't imagine you are going to offer up one on here either.
Would be good form to acknowledge the people who have commented on your work and try to answer some of their questions. More likely to get reads in the future that way.
The reason why I didn't post before was because I didn't even know that had been posted. No need for threats, but certainly feel free not to read anything else I'm allowed to post if that is your wish.
Yes, this script was on Moviepoet. The reasons why I didn't give explanations there are, fisrt, that I thought the questions to be rethorical more than actual interest, and, second, that people who's already read the story have alredy made they minds whether they like it or not, and I don't dare to intend to change their veredict. Most people didn't like it, and I'm ok with that -which is not the same as saying I wouldn't prefer if they did like it.
Aparently, I was wrong at least in one of those conclusions: My bad, and my apologies for that.
Locally, a couple of people got what this story is about, which is as much as I can aspire.
I changed the title because the previous one was misleading whereas to the subject of the story and the main character. The former name was Doreen's Portrait, in honor to Wilde's The Portrait of Dorian Gray. So, yes, Hank Grey's daughter is Doreen Grey. But he story is actually about Hank, not about Doreen. So I changed the title after Matias Caruso's suggestion -and with his permission, in case someone wonders.
The story has, of course, no mystery. Hank's family is as disfunctional as the Bundy family in Married with Children. Hank is a guy that has worked hard to get where he's got, and along the way he's lost contact with the things that actually matter in life. He can't even buy his daughter a gift for her eighteen birthday.
So what happens is that Doreen picks her own gift, which is a portrait by Basil -same painter's name as in Wilde's piece- an artist that works wonders with the paintbrush.
Only Basil works wonders with something else than the brush. He's a real womanizer, as it is the artist in The Draughtman's Contract. Like the Draughtman, Basil wants something else besides the pay. Something that Doreen is willing to give him. But the thing is that Basil is also capable of something so remarkable as to bring to life what he paints -hence how he is so well recommended.
The thing with his car changing from a sports car to a rattrap and back was simply a representation of how disconnected Hank's and Basil' worlds are. And it is also an indication of the extent of Basil's powers.
What about the last line -Hank's “we're going shopping”? That's character arc. Hank realizing that he has to change and be more of a father than the guy that pays for his daughters gifts.
Like I said earlier, I don't expect that you guys will like the piece now better, but at least I hope you won't have doubts about it either.
Well, I am a foul mouthed fucking cunt. At the besta times. Aho.
So. On to it. Seems good enough. I don't like colons, even half ones. Looks like "Hey I'm clever" to me. Airs and graces. Can be worse than the bottle descent. Oh yes.
Not novel. No. Script. Film please.
Two more pints please, your grace.
Lost you already? Oh dear. Expensive.
Stop babbling. Er, okey diddly dokey pokey.
Overall some good ideas and some good writing. Bit too clever, if you ask me. Which you didn't. Fair play hey hay.
If only that was fisrt million mistake! but I'm afraid not.
Pity you dislike the colon family. But it is there for a reason, and they do what no one else do.
They make me sound pretentious? What can I say: That's the smallest of my faults. No one prise me for my bad genes; I'm not apologizin for my good ones.
Dots, thought purplefilms wrote this the way he/she was defending it last week. There's been some posts deleted from this thread. Bit of an argument.
Obviously your story is not for the mainstream. I know nothing of those you referenced in your explanation, so it didn't help. Feel free to call me daft, wouldn't be the first time.
The title grabbed me because I am sick of pedestrian writing; zombies, vampires, fan-fiction, stories about writers, et al... and I knew this was going to be an attempt at something original. And it was. For that, I enjoyed it.
It was a little confusing, but such is the case when you try to crowd too many characters into a short situation.
I really like the painting coming to life, the birds flitting away. However, it did not further the story. Things in screenplays mean, and further the story, and, in doing so, draw us into the conflict. When they do not further the action, people become confused or uninterested.
I loved the nod to Dorian Grey - Doreen Grey. I really think you missed the point of the story by not focusing on Doreen and Basil. I think there's a gem buried in the soil of this piece.
Hank makes a great antagonist, and Doreen a great protagonist. Flipping the focus, as you did, can make for an interesting read. Or, can make for a confusing story if not executed properly. As is the case here.
However, taking a chance and experimenting with form as you did is admirable. And for that, I applaud you. Keep it up, you can only get better!
Sorry, Rich -- not much I can do. I already said that I didn't think explanations would do.
Daniel, thanks for the review. I know I didn't miss the point of the story, though.
Hank is no antagonist. He is the protagonist in a world turned against him. That is the essence of his character (and, as we know, character is story).
Whether I was able to pull it off or not is still up for grabs -- regardless of whatever the majority says.
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Hank Grey and the Master-Piece of Shit
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