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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Bleeding Green
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  Author    OWC - Bleeding Green  (currently 2776 views)
Don
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bleeding Green by Anonymous - Short, Drama - High School student Heather Kent becomes part of the "IN" crowd, but at a very dangerous price. - pdf, format


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The boy who could fly
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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First off i liked the title, i thought that was pretty cool!  the script itself had its moments, i thought the dialog was kinda weak, it really didn't feel true for a lot of it.  i think the premise itself is good and thought was actually put into this so you get marks for that.  the ending was pretty unbelievable, i don't think cops would let that go down, especially with teens involved.  still this was a good effort.


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screenrider
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not gonna over-analyze this one.  I'll just say it was pretty darn brilliant for a week's worth of work.  Formatting was impecable.  


Nice work.
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stevie
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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I spotted a clue as to who wrote this! Unless, the writer deliberately stuck it in to confuse us? Hmm...

Good script. Everything was set up nicely. The cast were realistic if somewhat cliched. It sort of built up to a big ending. But things got a little muddled for me then; maybe the changing locations or the fact that I'm dead tired from work last night.

Anyway, this had a lot of thought put into it, so a good solid week's work.


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greg
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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One of the more deeper scripts of this challenge.

I liked the direction you went with it.  Some of it was kind of unbelievable in my opinion, such as Troy's super-dickery.  He kind of seemed like a comic book villain, but maybe that's what you were going for.  On the other hand, this was a good look into the hypocrisy of people who are really, really into their beliefs.  Guy works at a slaughterhouse so Troy wants to shed blood.  It's hard to believe that this happens, but the reality is it happens all the friggin' time.  

The other characters I liked.  Some of the dialogue was a little exaggerated but that's what you may have been going for.  Why Heather continued to talk with Troy after he cut her rather than storming out is a bit of a mystery.  

Good script overall and a good effort.  Nice work.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from screenrider

I'm not gonna over-analyze this one.  I'll just say it was pretty darn brilliant for a week's worth of work.  Formatting was impecable.  


Nice work.


Screenrider, I completely agree.

I am amazed by a writer that can write this well in a week's time. You are brilliant!!!

Impeccable is a good word.

I found one error on page 14

as the Daniel pulls

But I'm only saying that to help you out. NOT LIKE YOU NEED IT!

I'm really impressed by this script!!! I will be excited to learn the author.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from greg

Why Heather continued to talk with Troy after he cut her rather than storming out is a bit of a mystery.  



Women do a lot of things that are a mystery.   This is very much reality, but I don't know why myself. Bin asking myself for all my life. Death might give an answer.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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khamanna
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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I loved this script. Nice to be pulled back into teenage years. The dialog felt very authentic - it was so easy to imagine actors do their part.

That's how some kids are - passionate about that one thing... Felt very real.

My only gripe - it feels kind of cluttered - too many characters. And we kept meeting new faces almost up until the end. Also, I don't see the necessity behind having this many characters.

Very Good script! Congrats from me!
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Trojan
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Another one of the few that had a real story and some thought had been put into. It was pretty good and a solid effort for a week.

I had a few problems with it though. Not sure how Heather is 16 yet in the same classes as the others who are 18. How does that work? Troy and Cassandra are the 'it' couple and explained as having a heap of attitude, but we don't actually see this. A guy who is as preachy as Troy is unlikely to be the coolest kid in his school. What was with the football reference about his brother, did I miss something there?

I couldn't see any motivation for Troy to beat up Cassandra. It just came completely out of the blue and don't know what she did to cause him to react that way. Felt a bit forced to suit your plot.

There were a few typos and things, nothing too major. Overall it was a good effort.

Cheers,
Tim.
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grademan
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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I liked it. Had a bit of a problem following all the plot in and outs for the final third. I was curious about the brother not playing football, why Cassandra was beaten by Troy, and why Heather's mom wasn't a bigger source of conflict... but hey it's your story and a damn good for one week's work.

Troy was clearly a character an actor would want to play -- he's just so crazed and mulit-faceted. High school cool with an off the wall belief system. With the right  tweaking this could be an interesting little horror bit. If you wanted to. Now, I am rambling.

Kudos.

BTW, excellent title. I half expected a sister of superman bit when I saw the name Kent in the logline. Green being the color of Kyrptonite. Sorry, I ramble yet again.

EDIT: This line killed me:  "Heather sits by herself at a lonely table."

Revision History (1 edits)
grademan  -  May 20th, 2010, 11:38am
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Angry Bear
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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I know exactly who wrote this one.    Publix. The Gators. Do I need to go on?

Anyway, I liked it a lot. You're writing was good as usual. A couple of typos, but who cares when the rest works.

I liked that you went beyond just the carnivore/vegan argument, but showed how far some activist groups are willing to go for their cause. Excellent! George should like this, because it wasn't just a pro vegan - anti meat eater thing.

Characters were good. Dialogue was good too, but I missed some of your Southern drawl you usually have.

My only question was why Cassandra was beaten...

I enjoyed this one and think this is one of the better ones in this OWC.

Good Luck with this one.  


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greg
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


Women do a lot of things that are a mystery.  


I know all too well.  Us dudes have been trying to solve those mysteries since the beginning of time  


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Somehow I missed this one...glad I found it!

IMO, this is most likely the best script of the bunch.  I think it would have benefited from a couple extra pages though, as a few things needed a little more explaining...or maybe a few things just needed to get cut.

Plot/structure/story - all good.  Writing very good for the most part but alot of typos/missing words/additional words/and grammar errors.  I can let them slide, as it's an OWC and overall, I think it was very well done.

Great effort whoever you are...wink...wink...wink.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll make notes as I go..

Pg 1 – “HEATHER, 16 and attractive” – Minor point, I’ve heard it said that everyone in movies is good looking by default, therefore a description like “attractive” doesn’t tell us anything.

The first scene is great for engaging us with the character and subtly giving us her backstory.

Pg 2 – The dialogue in this is strong. Perhaps the new kid in school is a bit well worn as a story, but you’re telling it well.

Pg 3 – “Cassandra and Troy get up.” – Seems kind of odd that they sit down and almost get straight back up again. Similarly if I was being picky I’d ask why Daniel came to sit with her in the first place.

Pg 4 – “I trust we won’t have any similar issues here, correct?” – For me I think this might be a bit too much on the bad reputation build up. Perhaps it’s enough for him to say he knows who she is.

Pg 5 – “INT. LIBRARY - MOMENTS LATER” – I think I’d put DAY instead of MOMENTS LATER. Typically these extensions are for production purposes (lighting) and are DAY or NIGHT unless there is a really good reason to do otherwise.

Pg 9 – That’s kicked off some drama.

Pg 11 – The drama is really moving now.

Pg 14 – “It’s a miss” – A pet peeve of mine, with all the advantages of the situation, why does he miss?

Pg 15 - “I suppose I owe you one” – She let the guy take a shot at him, and relied on blind luck that he’d miss. He should hold out for a better hero!

Other than that I like the ending.

Overall, this is really well done. I like the twisted nature of the ethics and the four distinct characters. Heather and Daniel are particularly good.

As a short I wonder if this takes a little bit long to really get going. Also I think you need to iron out the flow of it near the end. Perhaps you ran out of space.


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Ryan1
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 5:02am Report to Moderator
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This writer packed a lot of story into fifteen pages.  This was definitely one of the more serious entries.  You can tell a lot of thought went into this.  Hell, even the title makes you think.

That said, I think there were some definite flaws.  Some of the dialogue was really on the nose and, frankly, just not believable for a high school kid:

            TROY
Oh, that? Nothing to it. Merely a
scratch. Certainly no more severe
than what you yourself delivered at
Lakeshore High.

I do like how you delved into the extreme animal activism, which I think this script is the only one to do so.  I know you had limited page space, but I would have liked to known more about what set Troy down this path of radical thinking.  

The beating of Cassandra...a bit much and distracted from the focus of the story.  We already know Troy is a bad guy, no need to hammer it home.

The ending was an action packed little passage.  Nice little wrap up with the nerd girl getting her guy.  So, all in all a solid effort.  Not without its problems, but a good effort for one week.
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