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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Air Command Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Air Command  (currently 933 views)
Don
Posted: May 22nd, 2010, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Air Command by Richard Ashcraft (therichcraft) - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Skyler, Gale, Sly, and Sylph are off on their latest mission--taking on a villain with the stupid name of Wind Shield.  But it turns out that the stupidity ends there.  His shield protects him from their wind-based powers. 15 pages - doc, format


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screenrider
Posted: May 23rd, 2010, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

I figured I owed you a read since you read mine.   In any event, I imagine you had fun writing this one.  I thought the story was entertaining and humorous for what it was.   A quick read.   Download Celtix.  It's free.  http://celtx.com/





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screenrider  -  May 23rd, 2010, 9:35pm
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 23rd, 2010, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Super Heroes. That should go in your logline.

I don't get a sense of Wind Shield when we meet except that he's annoying. So from now on he's annoying and anything he does I won't take him seriously. He's polite? Not working for me.

Super Hero movies are action movies and good action movies are filled with  excitement. I don't get a sense of excitement through your writing.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 23rd, 2010, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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No, I didn't write Dumb Animals.  I'm strictly super-heroics in my writing.

Cloroxmartini, sorry you didn't feel excitement.  Believe me, I'm trying to make things action-packed, but I have a feeling that I may be written out.

Still, I love posting my scripts here.  Good, bad, or blah, it's nice to have an audience.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 23rd, 2010, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TheRichcraft
but I have a feeling that I may be written out.


Not sure what you mean by that.

Good action can be simply writing "dashes" instead of "runs."

A nice villain never works. Even the nicest of villains are evil.
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screenrider
Posted: May 23rd, 2010, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from cloroxmartini


A nice villain never works. Even the nicest of villains are evil.


I'm gonna have to disagree.  'It was very twisted how Windshield let them know in no uncertain terms that he could defeat them if he wanted to   No matter how strong the superheros are, they'll never be as strong as windshield.  Major mind-screw for a superhero.  

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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 24th, 2010, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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I've never read a super-hero story in which the villain defeats the hero and then completely retires.  The criminal always seems to want revenge or to play mind games again.  Which eventually leads to his downfall.

Now polite super-villains have appeared here and there in the comic books.  So I used one for my superior-villain.

I didn't like using Wind Shield as the villain's name, but the only alternative was the Wind Breaker.  I think we all can agree that Wind Shield was the better choice.
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grademan
Posted: May 24th, 2010, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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Richcraft

This could be tightened up:

The logline could be better, more descriptive. Usually, names aren't used in a logline, " A new super-villain arrives to challenge a team of super-heroes, " or something like that.

Your dialogue was fine if you intended it to be very old fashioned comic book, corny and on the nose, but could be so much better.

Too many characters introduced in a short span of time. For example, the two police officers could have been one, Did the butler need to be there?

Also, too many similar sounding names with male and female versions of the suits made it difficult to get a grasp on who the characters were and what their power was,

Bolding everything made my eyes feel like the oncoming car's brights are on. Correct the mistakes highlighted by Word, they are distracting to the reader. Celtx is free on-line.

The secret identity of the Shield was a secret that didn't need to be revealed.

The story was interesting as a premise but needed more tension between characters, polite isn't usually the way to create conflict. Unless the villain is producing mega-carnage all around.

I liked the powers of the Shield and The Air Command.

Hope this helps,

Gary

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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 25th, 2010, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Actually this was intended to be like an old-fashioned comic book.  The story is going to be printed soon by a small comic-book company.  I just expanded the plot for SS.com.

The Wind Shield's secret identity is just a guess on the super-heroes' part.  He could just be imitating that man's speech patterns.

As for the characters, yes, there are many of them in the storyline I developed.  The heroes are trapped in their super-hero bodies and they came to Erica for help.  She arranges for them to meet with Lucas, who trains them in criminal psychology, police procedures, etc.  Irving serves the heroes like Alfred serves Batman.

The villains are also connected to the heroes' origin.  The Air Command battles original foes like the Astral Projector, Carbon Copy, Gnomad, Hell Mary, the Mime, Pain Killer, and the Jet Set.  48 villains in all.

The heroes' costumes are either black or blue because the sky is either lit up or dark at night.  And I used regular names (except Sylph) just to avoid the usual cliched super-hero names.

I personally like using bold because it's easier for me to read.  I have a hard time reading some of the other scripts because they are so faint on the computer screen.   After I finish my Hawkins and Dover episodes, I'll try posting my scripts with the usual font.
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Forgive
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi there - really didn't get this - but some of the posts made sense - it felt like it was written more like a cartoon, and then you made reference to comics so that figures.

The formatting is way off. Be a Celtx convert like me - it's worth it's weight.

Good luck.
Simon
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dogglebe
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Usually, I finish reading shorts, even when I see problems with them. I stopped reading this after page four.

You really REALLY need to work on your character introductions.  This is a superhero script, for crissakes!  You introduce the villain with:


Quoted Text
Then WIND SHIELD enters.  He is wearing a blue-and-gray costume and carries a blue-and-gray, triangular shield.


He enters???  Is that it?  He enters?  Did he swipe his ATM card to gain access to the bank?  Even if he doesn't want to cause trouble in the bank, you should still give him a cool entrance.

And then there's the heroes.  When you introduce them, the majority of them are in bed.  You should call this script The League of Extraordinary Dullards.

You need to bring something to the table, here.  There are romance comedies with more action than this.


Phil
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TheRichcraft
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so the consensus is that this is not my best work.  I do hope you guys stay tuned for Widow's Peek and The Vamp.  They should be in the next group of unpublished scripts.  They are stories that are not like what I usually write.

Still proud that I sold this story to a comic-book company.  So nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.

Just kidding.  I'm thankful for having an audience, no matter the reviews.  I started selling stories when I first began posting here.  So I consider this site to be my good-luck charm.
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