Head to Toe by Brian Howell - Short, Comedy - Two strangers are booked into the same hotel room during a very busy weekend. With no empty rooms and no cot, the man and woman find a way to handle their situation. 5 pages - pdf, format

Okay,
I just read this and have a few thoughts. As someone who travels a lot on business trips, I have roomed with several strangers. None and I mean none of them were ladies. So with that said, I must admit the believibility factor does go down a bit.

The script in and of itself was Okay. You use a lot of unfilmables in it. That means you are interjecting your thoughts as though you are writing a novel which if you were is fine but lines such as ...

Va Va voom and
he is seducing himself and
Wow and...
she didn't just do that! Jc is can't believe it and...

Well you get the point. These are thoughts that cannot be put to film.

The dialog came across as unbeleavible as well.
I mean withen a fifteen minute time frame, they meet and are the road to banging?

It needs to be stretched out more.

All in all, it seemed like maybe if you lenghten it by a few pages, and work on the dialog some, it might work.

Just my two cents. I hope it helps.

Shawn.....><

Hmm....it's a comedy alright, but pretty unbelievable.

I'm sure companies will not have the opposite sex sharing a room AND in a room with only one bed. It might be that JC was lying, but that's what I believe since no one states otherwise.

This must be some kind of sexual fantasy JC was having. I'm not surprised at the end that Hayden was still in the bathroom and JC was just dreaming all along. I mean, com'on, a normal woman such as Hayden will not just sleep with a random guy. Unless you present Hayden as some sluts in previous scenes, it may be more believable.

Furthermore, don't understand why Hayden became a bitch all of a sudden. Just because JC lied about the cot? But it was her who wants to seduce JC, isn' it? So I need some clarification of Hayden's action.

However, it was an easy breezy read, and I chuckled a little.

BTW, I'm Herman from MP.

Sometimes when you read a story you get a clear insight into the author's head.
This story is what Freud would deem 'wish fulfillment'.
Sometimes this can work in a story - see Push, Superman, The Craft, et al... However, it did not work in your story because everything was just too implausible and lacked any authentic dynamic.

My advice is this:
Make them enemies. Then throw them in the room together. You will see how well the scene will write itself. For example; a thief and a detective, a vampire and a werewolf, an alien and an abductee, et al...

-Daniel

Overall, not terrible, but too many unfilmables.  It could be the start of something better though.  The afore mentioned enemies is a great idea.  There's a fine line between love and hate for a very good reason...it could turn a so-so script into a much funnier one with a better pay off at the end.  It's something to consider.

Too unbelievable to be taken seriously.  Needs to be expanded more in order for it to be more realistic.  But people of the opposite sex on a business trip are put into separate rooms.

Now if you show the couple having drinks during a snowstorm, and they see a stranded family at the desk, then they can offer to give up one room and spend the night together.  Because there is already a spark between them.

For some reason that I will never ubderstand, I get the "unproduced script of the day" exactly two months after the fact. Always. So, you are way past whatever I'm going to say, but since I took the effort to read the script I want to post my thoughts, anyway.

Sadly, I have to agree with all the post above mine: Too unbelievable, too many unfilmables.

Unbelievable works in fiction. It is your world and you make your rules. That doesn't apply here, though.

Unfilmables work when the story overflows with so many other good qualities -unfilmables are never a good quality in a script- that the reader doesn't care. That doesn't apply here, either.

Someone above suggested making your characters enemies instead of headng them for bed in five oages. I think that is a good advice.

Following on that, I'd suggest to reverse the entire story. Make up what is down, and backwards. Push your envelope. Write the opposite to what you would. You may be in the right track.

Loosen up on the explanation marks. It seems like your characters are always yelling at the top of their lungs.

Hayden wouldn't introduce herself if she didn't know who this strange man in her room was. She would ask him who he was, and probably eye the phone. (ready to call the police)

Hayden must be a really trust worthy person. It's almost unrealistically trustworthy. A strange MAN  just walked in her bedroom, and said has no problem sharing a room with him and is about to go tale a shower with the guy in the room. She's putting herself in the worst predicament. I would definitely change Hayden's behavior. She needs to be more concerned for her safety.

"Is he seducing himself?" That was actually pretty funny.

Literally one minute shower. That's kind of disgusting. Especially for a girl.

If Hayden was loose enough to wear her pink lingerie in front of JC, tell him he can sleep next to her, and starts kissing him, she definitely wouldn't care that he lied about the cot. The character you created would have smiled at JC when the bellboy said he had the cot, because she would have thought he was clever. She is all for sleeping with this stranger, so why get upset when he lied about a cot? It doesn't fit her personality.

Again, these explanation marks. You should really use those lightly. There is s a time for them but honestly, I don't think you ever needed one in this script. If you take them out, the dialogue would actually read more natural.  

Brian, I wish you posted Warriors Lament here! -hope I'm not over the line though

I've read this one in the past, have to read it again to post my thoughts. Will do.