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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Gluttony And A White Tuxedo
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  Author    Gluttony And A White Tuxedo  (currently 538 views)
Don
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gluttony And A White Tuxedo by Jordan Breen - Short, Comedy - Shut-in from society, Helen Sanders spends her day drowning in Netflix, junk food and social media. That is until divine intervention offers salvation through her most beloved possession... her television set.  15 pages - pdf, format

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 20th, 2019, 4:37pm
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TheRichcraft
Posted: June 28th, 2010, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Nice little supernatural story.  I love how Helen withdrew because of the robbery.  Great touch.
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Thornton
Posted: July 4th, 2010, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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A well written piece - beautifully described so it created a vivid picture of the film.

Overall, a strong concept, although the supernatural nature of the salvation has, of course, been done before.

Good pace.

Kept me interested and I wanted to know the ending and given its not a short 'short' that's pretty impressive.

You use 'we'. Personally, it doesn't bother me, but I think the general concensus will be you shouldn't.

A little overly-descriptive at points - I thought you could lose a few excessive lines.

And I found some of the elements of the story rather corny for my taste, but that's a personal thing.

Overall, a good short.
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screenrider
Posted: July 4th, 2010, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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It's hard to believe there's only two replies for this script.  This is a gem.  Excellent!
A cut above the rest.

Great job.
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Craiger6
Posted: July 4th, 2010, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Jordan,

I thought this was very nicely done.  

I think it could proably be tightened up a bit, but whose writing can't?  That's why we are here, right?  

I have to admit, and this probably won't say much for me as a person, but I didn't really like Helen much at all when this started.  After reading more, that changed some what, and I think that is a testament to the story and your writing, so kudos for that.  Below are a couple of that I picked out.  I'm by no means an expert, but just a few things that I think you might be able to use to improve on this, cause I think you might have something here.

P.  6

"Helen sinks into her favorite stained couch and inserts the
disc into the her laptop."

Errant "the".

P.  6

"Tacky porcelain figures rest on an old Television."

Don't think you need the cap television.

P.  6

"Helen checks over her shoulder, unsure on the reality of the
situation."  

Unsure on, or unsure of?

P.  6

"Trevor is a man driven by numbers and
statistics."  

Others may quibble with this kind of thing, but I don't mind a bit of narrative in a screenplay.  That said, you might want to think of another way of conveying this info.  Maybe just spreadsheets hanging around his office.  Something like that.  But as I said, I don't think it's a big deal.

P. 6

"I have the finance report for
you, Mr. Sanders."

So, I was thrown for a bit of a loop here.  Even though we know that Mr. Sanders is a working man, judging from the state of his house (roaches and the like), I didn't expect him to be a professional, much less someone who is in a managerial position.  Not sure if this is on purpose or not.  You got me though, so I'm goign to keep reading to see if it comes full circle.

P.  7

"She laughs flirtatiously and twirls her hair around her index
finger, one of the universal signs of interest."

I think I would drop the "one of the universal signs of interest".  Better left unsaid IMO, and we will catch the drift.

P.  8

"Her breathing is so heavily now, she could pass out."

I'd re-word this.

P.  9

"CLICK - Helen hangs up, unable to speak."

So, I think you did a very nice job with the first of Helen's "voyeur" stops as I kind of forgot about Sarah because I was so engrossed with Trevor and Eva, but I think the phone call ended a bit abruptly for me.  I think you could string it out a bit before getting to Sarah.

P.  9

"Helen throws the laptop to the floor, screaming. BAM! She grips her chest. Face flushed, eyes bulging. She falls to one knee, collapsing to the floor, eyes fading."

Just a personal preference, but I would like to see this para broken up a bit so that maybe the "Bam!" is on it's own line.  Then again, people speak about economy of space so who knows.  I just think it's a bit more affecting broken up.

P.  10

"HELENS SUBCONSCIOUS"

I think this whole scene would be better formatted as a flashback, or series of shots (with 1., 2., 3. etc).  You could basically keep what you have, but I think it should be one or the other rather than the slug you used.

On other thing.  I was abit confused with the ages.  You mention the mugging and she was 44, but then we see her gourging at age 35.  Should these be reversed?

P.  12

"Grazing cows watch as the Ferrari speeds across the open road. Enclosed by distant mountains, the peaceful settings are at contrast with the roaring Ferrari."

I like this.  Nice imagery.

Just finished up, and as I said earlier, I enjoyed this.  I have to admit though, that I was a bit confused by the sequence of events.  We start with the accident, and then we have the man in the white tux, but how did Helen get there before the accident?

Anyway, hope to hear from you on this, so we can get your thoughts.  Good luck.

Craig





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Coding Herman
Posted: July 4th, 2010, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan, I think this is very good. I really enjoyed it.

Your writing is very visual, I can picture everything in my mind. Sometimes maybe a bit too flowery and can trim some description. And try not to use so many "We".

How do we know the pills are anti-depressant? Maybe you can show us the pill bottle label first and then Helen opens the cap and pops the pills into her mouth.

I didn't get the Helen's subconscious part. What's the significance of the robbery?

Overall, this is a great story and it flows very well. I don't mind that we know nothing about Peter White, I accept that he is some type of savior from above. But one thing I want to know is why Peter chose to help Helen.

What makes Helen so special that he's willing to help her out? Yeah, she's obese. Yeah, she's depressed. Maybe Helen did some good deeds before and now Peter is repaying her now?

I like each of the characters. They are very well drawn.

Format is top-notched. I spotted maybe a couple typos. "Where" should be "Were".

This is a very good job. Thanks.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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RichardD
Posted: March 18th, 2015, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, Jordan.

I was intrigued with your story strictly because Ilike when people can make a lead character someone who is not the typical choice for a lead. An obese self-loathing woman is different, and I like different.

here's what I took from the story and my questions to you...

was the gorgeous woman on Trevor's cell phone Eva?

I liked the scene where Peter pinned a rose over the coffee stain on his white coat. "You can move past an unfortunate life experience with a positive outlook."

It was tough to imagine a 41 year-old obese woman could ride a 4-year old's bike. let alone ride it fast in the rain.

Trevor being a presentable clean-cut guy, I can't see how he could let the kitchen become so filthy and to the point flies would be present.

maybe if Trevor was the estranged husband that was there to pick up the kid for school. it shows he's trying to salvage a marriage that Sarah is let slip away to depression.

also the scenes she sees of Trevor at work being flirted with by the sexy Eva would still make sense.

overall I like the concept and the overtone that we all should live life like it's our last and avoid self-pity.

I hope you write more shorts.


Rick
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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 18th, 2015, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Hey Jordan,

I think you can trim the action blocks to read "less clunky".  Still not sure about the.........  dialog and what it means. Morals seem on par for a good story. Gl and well done.

Tony
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RichardD
Posted: March 18th, 2015, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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"Still not sure about the.........  dialog and what it mean"


That was a question I had also.
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JohnHunter
Posted: March 21st, 2015, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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GLUTTONY AND A WHITE TUXEDO (no fancy fonts)

A peaceful and beautiful countryside. Children’s laughter disrupts the tranquility — Be more economical with your words. This is not a novel.

Helen sits in a recliner watching television. (This is her life - show it. What she does on a daily basis — show it) —The audience does not have the benefit of your narrative. All they can SEE is what you SHOW them.


"There ain't much to being a ballplayer, if you're a ballplayer." - Honus Wagner
https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/john-hunter
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Kirsten
Posted: April 9th, 2018, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Jordan,

SPOILERS

This is a nice little story, I liked the structure and the ending especially the part where the tuxedo man stops time for her, that was very well done.

There are some formatting issues through out that I'm going to point out.

'An intersection cuts through the hinterland. We’ve arrived moments after a collision between truck and school bus.' You've used past tense in this 'WE'VE',  and its very confusing. It's normally a no, no to use WE see or WE hear...just need to write it out as it would be seen. "At an intersection a bus lies on it's side, a trucks is in the ditch.....etc....

'Trevor’s cell rings, faceplate coming to life with a gorgeous woman. The name of Eva labeled above.'  It should be faceplate COMES to life.


'INT/EXT. SANDERS’ RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR
She opens the door and edges outside, but there is no one, only Sarah’s Barbie bike on the front lawn.
Cautious, she steps out. Birds chirp. A couple walks their dog, staring at Helen.' This needs to be written as 2 scenes. One INT where she opens the door, then EXT where she is outside.

'INT. SANDERS’ RESIDENCE - CONTINUOUS
She hurries back, staggering through the living room
where she’s about to veer upstairs when she falls heavily against the couch. Unable to continue, Helen sucks in breaths as...'  This needs to be written as two different areas in the house. INT. ENTRANCE WAY........ she hurries through, into the

LIVING ROOM
Wheres she's.....

The beginning scene of the story has green pastures in the slug then you use that in that exact wording in the action, which you don't need to do.

I don't have much experience with how to write out a montage but I think the way you wrote out yours is incorrect, you might want to look up how to write scenes involving closeups of devices etc. Just to make sure..

I did find the interaction between the husband and Eva a little bit on the nose. For such a serious story she seemed a little bit to over the top...it didn't fit. Maybe you could show them flirting and their attraction, but make it subtle.

Anyway a sad topic with a meaningful happy ending...


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Colkurtz8
Posted: April 11th, 2018, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Jordan

An odd, sweet yet tragic piece you have here.

First off, I'm not sure if it should be in the comedy section. Is that a mistake? This feels more like a drama, with a few moments of comedy via Peter and to a lesser extent, Eva.

Technically, it's well written except for a little tightening up here and there perhaps, nothing major. There are times where you’re overly specific about certain visual details that would be difficult to replicate on screen. The timeliness of rain for instance in the opening scene or Helen’s flabbiness throughout. In fact, in regards the latter, I felt you were too often going for laughs by just describing Helen’s, less than flattering, weight.

Also, just a small thing but while it works on the page to not reveal until later that Sarah is the girl from the opening scene, on the screen this will be immediately apparent. Hence, you’re best off to be up front about it or maybe have a close up only of her eyes in that opening scene so the identity can be withheld.
The life affirming message here is interestingly told through the omnipotent Peter character and well earned in the end with a fireworks finale. I like how Peter conveyed his point through the thing Helen had sought solace in. It gave it an off kilter sci-fi feel that, if anything, was unconventional.

I also enjoyed the measured build up with Helen and her family starting their day and her, in particular, going through her rituals. You effectively got us wondering about, without giving away the full picture of, her current state of mind and how she got there, until you wanted us to find out. The closing sequence was inspired too and fed into that Twilight Zone-ish element running through the script.

My biggest issue was tone however, which I found wildly uneven. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes that can work, here I think it jarred and not in a good way. Maybe it had something to do with the script being in the wrong section as I already mentioned but once I knew this was leaning toward drama (the first scene really sets this tone) it still veered from there

to tongue in cheek quips to raunchy comedy. The scene with Eva and Trevor at the office was straight out of Adam Sandler-like vehicle thus completely out of place.

There is a lot of potential pathos here to be mined with how you’ve set up the story with Helen that the scene with Eva could be played straight in which she genuinely likes him (without being all over him in the most undignified way possible) and he is drawn to her too out of loneliness and desperation yet doesn’t yield to her advances because he still loves his wife. That is a powerful dynamic to play with but as it’s written, it’s all merely done for a cheap gag and within the context of the greater story, feels misjudged. Instead, Eva just comes off as a callous bitch and a harassing creep.

While I enjoyed Peter for the most part and his manipulation of Helen’s world as he delivers some home truths, he did feel like an awkward fit at times within the whole. As if he was parachuted in from another film. On the other hand, I guess he did provide some levity and stopped the script from wallowing in its own hopelessness but is it layered on a bit too thick? Is he too jokey? I dunno, something to consider anyway.

Overall, this has some good moments. As I said, I liked the structure and pacing of it, the surrealistic touches underpinning Helen’s journey to realisation...Oh and the kids get saved too, always a nice thing

Col.


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JordanB
Posted: April 13th, 2018, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much for the feedback Col & Kristen. Much appreciated.
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