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The Cropduster by James Williams (jwent668 - Short, Comedy - A disgusting prankster finds that growing up can be a bit of a stinker. 9 pages - pdf, format
You really raised the bar for yourself by writing "So Pretty". That was a great script. And now you're reduced yourself to...this? A bad executive decision, IMO.
EDIT:
James,
You're a well-respected member of SS so I feel I owe you an explanation for the motive behind my above comment. After hearing Babz's podcast I'm determined to ramp up my own game. From now on in every script I read I ask myself does this meet "Babz's criteria for what makes a good script?" This one clearly does not.
Jon is a great character, I think, but the boss finding out so easily makes Jon look not very smart - and since Jon developed the love for this "art form" in highschool he had to progress since then in somewhat like a genious in the field. That was a bit of a let down for me.
Overall I enjoyed this piece, but it seems it took a bit too long to get to the......not so satisfying ending.
The first few scenes are interesting, as we got to see how Jon went about his deeds. And the high school scenes gave us some reasons and background of Jon. But I wished you can played out why Jon liked this activity in high school. What made him do that in the first place?
Maybe you can push up the part where Jon lost his ability. That way we got to see the complications sooner and anticipated how Jon will achieve it back. The rest of the scenes and the montage gave me a slight chuckle.
I loved the scene between Walter and Jon. Great tension there. But then Jon just got fired and that's it? A person got fired for farting in the office? That's the first time I've heard. Maybe Jon can retaliate by farting in front of Walter's face. That might be too disgusting but it'll keep the same tone of your script.
There is very good writing in there. Spotted "You're fired" not "Your fired". An example of good writing that lifts the script from an okay story.
I enjoyed it. Good job.
Herman
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
James, my man, this script fits in nicely with Cleveland.
I actually thought it was funny in a number of places, but then again, it reminds me of my friends and I growing up...even in our 20's.
I don't think the writing is good at all. Way too many V.O.'s. Some go on for almost 1/2 a page with nothing happening on screen. Lots of clunky lines. Just too much rambling around for me.
I definitely chuckled a few times, and you brought a smile to my face, so thank you!
I thought this was cute, though I had a problem with a lack of motivation on Jon's part. Why does he do what he does. He turned farting into an art form. Why? I understand that he's supposed to be immature, but still...
Other than this problem, it was a creative and enjoyable. Good work.
EDIT: Damn, forgot to thanks the Don for posting. Thank you sire. Thanks you much...
Screen, Thanks for the read. Sorry it was below your standards. Also, thanks for the invaluable input as to how to make this better. Er... not.
I knew I would catch some flak for this one. Not everybody's bag. But, to me at least, a guy who farts in the fridge at work??? Friggin' hilarious...
Cornetto, Glad this wasn't below your standards. I was gonna lengthen this, have a bit more cat and mouse between him and the boss, but i wanted to keep it under ten pages.
Quoted from mcornetto
You also should format your montage more clearly.
First time I ever tried one. Is ther a thread that discusses them. Like to get it right.
Thanks again, James
Khamanna, thanks for the read. Sorry you didn't like that Jon got caught. IMO he's pretty disgusting and unlikeable. i wanted him to get nailed.
Quoted from Coding Herman
What made him do that in the first place?
I could have visited that, though i did make him seem like a loner. And his mother was not so loving.
Quoted from Coding Herman
But then Jon just got fired and that's it? A person got fired for farting in the office?
To me it was about him finally getting caught after all of these years. He deserved it. Purposely farting in front of clients may get you fired. I pictured Walter as the owner. Fire who he wants. Glad you got some chuckles out of it.
Quoted from Dreamscale
James, my man, this script fits in nicely with Cleveland.
How dare you.
Glad you liked it mostly Jeff. I've read some of these (V.O.) shorts. I know they can be annoying. I think it would make a funny little film. Cheers from C-town...
Glad you liked it Phil, to be honest, thought you would be disgusted by it. As for his motivations? Never really thought about it. Just rushed to the end. Wanted to keep it short. Thanks for the read.
I think that the reason why I didn't not like it is because you did more than just farts jokes. You went a little further with it. Gave it some thought. Jon's technique was funny, not the farting, itself.
I think that the reason why I didn't not like it is because you did more than just farts jokes. You went a little further with it. Gave it some thought. Jon's technique was funny, not the farting, itself.
Phil
I have to agree. It is definitely the situation the fart is in rather than the fart itself which is funny. Farts on their own are no laughing matter. They are very serious indeed.
You're a well-respected member of SS so I feel I owe you an explanation for the motive behind my above comment. After hearing Babz's podcast I'm determined to ramp up my own game. From now on in every script I read I ask myself does this meet "Babz's criteria for what makes a good script?" This one clearly does not.
Just one thing here. This is a short and as such a completely different market than features. It doesn't live by the same rules. Even features have different markets. The market Babz was talking about was Hollywood/TV - neither of which I think James was aiming at with this short. You gotta keep things in perspective mate.
And this is the thanks I get for trying to help? ...sarcasm? How dare you >
I don't get how you helped at all. I appreciate any reads. Bad or good. You just basically said this wasn't good enough. At least everyone else noted an aspect of the script that could be better.
I listened to the Babz interview. I really liked it. I agree with michael where as i do believe she's talking about serious writing for features. I agree with what she had to say. This short has no chance of anything besides being a film school students project.
I'm happy with that. I'd love to see it on film. With my name as the writer. I just like to write to entertain. If you've got serious problems with this story, other then you just don't like it, I'd love to hear them. I'd be thankful for your input.
As I said before, I knew this wouldn't be for everyone. And I always appreciate a read my friend.