Pillow Talk - Reload by Martin Cox (Chelsea) - Short, Drama - Brad and Mel discover that pillow talk can sometimes be too much to bear. 5 pages - pdf, format

My shortest review, ever.   Bravo! ~ this baby packed a punch.  

Hi Martin,

I thought this was nicely done.  Though others may quibble, I'm always first and foremost concerned about the writing.  Story and structure are important obviously, but I think they can be improved upon with practice, but you either have writing chops or you don't.  From this piece and a couple of others that I've read from you, I think it's clear you know your way around a keyboard.

That said, there were a couple of instances where I think you could probably tighten up your descriptions.  For instance:

"Melanie has retrieved the ashtray and cigarette butt and is
blowing away the remaining incriminating evidence, silently,
guiltily looking over her shoulder at the door."

Nothing terribly wrong here, perhaps just personal preference, but I think you might be able to do away with the silently, guiltily portion here.  There are a couple of other similar instances.  Again, not a big deal by any means, but I felt like it was an opportunity to tighten it up.

As far as the story, I thought it was very nicely done.  I was about halfway through when I anticipated the ending, because, lets face it, in today's day and age it would take a pretty bad mother who is sneaking smokes and nips while preggers.  

***SPOILERS***

My one quibble with the ending is that I guess I wanted a little more info.  I think you clearly went with the subtle approach here, which is fine, but when Mel claims that "it was all her fault", are we to believe that she was drinking and smoking when she was first pregnant?  If so, I think you could expand on this a bit to include a little more from the husband.  I imagine he would have been very pissed, and yet they are still together.  

Anyway, good read, and good job, Martin.  Look forward to reading more.

Craig

Belvedere vodka? Mmm, the good stuff.

Very well done. I was onto you when she started talking to the baby in the past tense. I think it would work better if she said "If you are a girl". Anyway, good stuff.

The words Skilful and practise. I guessed they're just spelled that way from where you are?? If you want to pitch this to Americans, maybe change to skillful and practice. Just seemed like a typo when i read it.

This could probably be trimmed to be just three pages. You barely use the fourth. I'd either expand a bit or cut some. Get your money's worth from those pages.

Good work.

James

I would agree with Jwent that you could trim this down to a tight three.  I also saw the twist coming about halfway through, so you might work on disguising your intentions a little more.  The material is very emotional stuff, though.  Carries a lot of weight.  So overall, good job, Martin.

Ryan

Martin...

If you ever plan on writing a feature... things that must be deleted... "ing's... ly's.  This four pager is riddled with them and it shouldn't be.  It only adds to your sometimes overly descriptions.  Half of them, you don't really need.  But having said that, a short is what it is... just the start of something, and nothing more.

2nd, too predictable and your ending I thought it was adequate.  You may have been better to add a couple more pages and bring this to somewhat of a more satisfying conclusion but as it stands today, I didn't get one.  But this is... JMO.

Overall, you do tell interesting stories, and this was a solid effort.    

Keep at it... my friend.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter

Well told and tragic.

Hey Martin,

I think this is pretty good, nice twist at the end there.

The dialogue is the highlight of the script. You managed to convey Mel's desperation of a child just by talking to her "belly". The script works for me.

One thing you might want to try is to use more fragmented sentences and trim the flowery description. It'll make for a faster read, especially the first five paragraphs on the first page.

I liked most of your scripts so far. Good job.


Herman

Dear all.

Thank yo so very much for your time and comments. Without trying to sound sycophantic, it is people such as yourselves, who take time to read my stuff and are guiding me to become a more proficient writer. Thank you, I really do appreciate it.

I have some time today, so I'll be returning the compliments.

Screenrider, thanks for the comment and the 'baby' pun.

Craiger6. Thanks for the read. Yes I know i have to tighten up in certain areas, but I read my scripts time and again, and until someone like you points it out, I miss it. Woods and trees and that good stuff I s'pose.

Mel was supposed to have been abusing herself during her pregnancy and I did toy with bringing in the angry husband but decided against it, opting for brevity. Y'see, could've done better.

Hey James. Always revere your comments. The vodka was gonna be Grey Goose, but I think Belvedere is smoother. I constantly get mixed up with the spelling of words as you pointed out.

Someone once said "America and England, two nations divided by the same language!"

Thanks Ryan1. Glad you liked it.

Thanks Ghost. Succinct and to the point as always. It's good to know you're there.

Cloroxmartini....don't ya just love that name? Thanks for the comment. Glad you liked it.

Thank you Herman. I'm gonna put your suggestions into practice (is that right James?) right away. Shorter sentences and less flowery descriptions. Then I'll have a much punchier product.

Martin

I like the concept behind this, great idea which was well executed for the most part. I, for one, never saw the twist coming (although her overtly cheery disposition regarding her alcohol consumption should've set the alarm bells ringing, not to mention the title of the piece) and you built it nicely towards that said reveal.

Having said that, I think you laboured at certain parts to deliberately drag it out which made it clear to see that you were intentional procrastinating the big moment...and that's never a good thing.

"Melanie has retrieved the ashtray and cigarette butt and is
blowing away the remaining incriminating evidence, silently,
guiltily looking over her shoulder at the door."

-- The above passage is nearly all in the past tense, it reads very awkwardly, whilst not fulfilling the primary task of all prose in a script: To tell us what is going on at present.

MELANIE
Forgive me! Please forgive me
little one.
(beat)
It was all my fault!
(beat)
I still can’t help myself!

-- Personally, I would cut this down or omit it altogether; it’s too expository and a tad melodramatic...in a bad way. By now the penny has dropped, we know her situation and desperate mind frame, her body language and anguished facial expression will tell us all we need to know, no need for the dialogue, in my opinion.

As I said, I like the idea behind this, good set-up and twist, its just your actual writing which holds it back from being great. It needs to be crisper, tighter, more focused and functional. Thankfully, all this can be easily remedied with practice. The main thing is you’re able to create an interesting and dramatic premise, that’s the difficult part which sometimes (not always) can’t be taught.

Keep it up.

Col.

Hey Col.

Thanks for the read and your much appreciated comments.

I realize that I do need to sharpen up my writing and hopefully I'm inching my way there.

Reading other scripts and receiving great critiques are  invaluable in this quest.

Once more thanks for your time, advice and motivation.

Best.

Martin.

Hi Martin,

This was very good and could be great if you make some improvements. I thought the title gave the twist away before I even finished the first page. I'd be surprised if I'm the only one who thought this.

I thought the writing was fine. In a feature, I would groan at the heavy descriptions, but this is a 4 page short so it's no big deal to me. It read very well.

I think if you disguise the twist, this would have a major impact on most readers. It's a very emotional piece. Well done!

Brian

This was a very enjoyable read.  I had no idea where you were going with it and enjoyed the story told.

Like the others, I feel that this could be tightened into a three page script. One easy way to do this is to stop using (beat).  This is intended for when a character pauses before he/she talks, not for when he/she pauses while talking.  You want to use an elipses... the three periods.

Quoted Text         MELANIE Forgive me! Please forgive me little one. (beat) It was all my fault! (beat) I still can’t help myself!

would turn into:

Quoted Text         MELANIE Forgive me! Please forgive me little one...  It was all my fault...! I still can’t help myself!

Doing it this way just saved you three lines on the page.


Phil

Hey Brian.

Once again thanks for the read. I know I can tighten things up. Next time you read my work it'll be so tight it'll squeak!

Thanks for the positive comments. Glad you liked it.

Best Martin.

Phil I have learned and am still learning so much and advice such as yours is priceless.

I am so pleased you enjoyed the read.

I know I can/will improve and with guidance like yours it'll be sooner rather than later.

Best.

Martin.

Have to agree with the others here, Martin...idea-wise, it's good, but I don't think it's well handled or written.

Lots of awkward phrasing, past tense, typos, spelling errors, passive verbiage, over writing, etc.

I don't see 3 1/2 minutes of film here, or at least not 3 1/2 minutes of entertaining film.

Another interesting thing hit me as well, being a smoker...chances are not good that she'd be lighting smoking, and finishing a cig in 3 minutes time....this plays out as if it's in real time, and if that's the case, you need to "drag" this out another page at least, IMO...and I think you could and should.

For me, the dialogue seemed a bit over the top in places also...as in not realistic, too dramatic, just "not right".

Great idea though for sure.  Keep at it!