Awake by Mohamed Gardner (mg677) - Short, Drama - The murder of a police officer. The affection for a gang leader's sister. The paranoia eating you alive… 33 pages - pdf, format

   Mohamed, seems no one else has commented on your script so I guess I will be the first. I'm not sure how many scripts you have written, this may be your first. Congratulations on finishing it if it is.

   I am new to screenplay writing myself. I have only been writing a year or so. I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination. But I have been posting here for all that time and have learned much from the very talented writers on the board.

   I tried to read your script but was unable to make it past the first few pages. Your total lack of screenplay format is so blatant, even the greatest story would be lost in the maze.

   Too many camera directions which are not necessary or even desired. All your sluglines are incorrectly formatted. You describe characters like the police officer who was killed by telling and not showing. Action scenes are much too long. The whole thing is just very confusing. Your dialogue is dull and unbelieveable.

   These are just a few things I noticed in the first couple of pages. I recommend that you read other unproduced as well as produced scripts to see how they are formatted and written. Take a basic acreenplay writing course online. Many are free and very good. Or just use this website as a learning tool. Pretty much everything is right here for the learning.

   I hate to be negative, but if I didn't point out a few mistakes, you would think there were no problems. I think there is a good story here, just needs to be re-written in proper format and without all the clutter. Keep it simple and crisp. Good luck, Marvin.