Pages: 1 |
Author |
Things Can Get Hairy - Babz WOL scripts (currently 1624 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 13th, 2010, 8:35pm |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Things Can Get Hairy by Steve McDonell (stevie) - Short, Comedy - The fur is flying in London tonight...4pages A WOL script - pdf, format |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
|
|
|
Ryan1 |
Posted: August 13th, 2010, 10:14pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1098 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Stevie,
This was pretty funny. Sort of an odd assortment of images to go with the lyrics. You kept it light-hearted, except of course for Jim getting his lungs ripped out. But hey, it was in the song. I'll forever remember this script as the first time I heard the phrase "toffee nosed twats." |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 13 |
|
|
Ledbetter |
Posted: August 13th, 2010, 10:22pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
I think Ryan nailed it. Very light writing, clever even.
Stevie, you have an almost cavalear way of geting to the point and doing it in a way that is very enjoyable to read.
Shawn.....>< |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 13 |
|
|
Dreamscale |
Posted: August 13th, 2010, 10:48pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
Stevie, you old goat...this is funny, and well done for the most part.
A bit confusing with the shifting sets and apparent lack of time lapse, but I guess I don't know if days were passing by or not...were they?
Biggest issue I have is some of your passages not being broken up properly at all, and running 5+ lines. If you read through them again, I think you'll see obvious break points that would make this look and read much better.
Good take on the challenge though for sure, bud. Well done! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 13 |
|
|
stevie |
Posted: August 14th, 2010, 3:42am |
|
|
Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Hi Ryan, Shawn and Jeff. Thanks for the read!
Yeah, I almost didn't do an entry for this challenge. but that classic song was one I remebered fonsly from my teenage years. So i googled the lyrics and just sort of dashed it off - took about 20 minutes. The short by itself doesn't make much sense but in the context it works. i tried to imagine the lyrics as images and this was the result.
now I'm off to read the other new ones up! I wonder if Michael C could do some of these as machinmas one day?
Cheers all stevie |
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 13 |
|
|
grademan |
Posted: August 14th, 2010, 8:01am |
|
|
Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Stevie,
I loved the ending! I can tell you were inspired and had fun writing this. It comes across as a light, comedic touch just right for this piece! I like this style for you.
Gary
|
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 13 |
|
|
CindyLKeller |
Posted: August 14th, 2010, 2:32pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1467 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Stevie, It looks like you were thinking along the same lines as I was with this challenge. You stayed at 4 pages, too. I got a few chuckels out of your script. Good job in my opinion, Cindy |
| Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
|
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 13 |
|
|
ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: August 14th, 2010, 8:49pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Stevie
"Buy yourself some razors," was pretty funny. There was a few others. Glad to see you stayed within the 4 and 5 pages like the majority and didn't try and drag this thing out.
Nice job with this overall for the short time it took you to complete the challenge.
Ghost |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 13 |
|
|
Grandma Bear |
Posted: August 15th, 2010, 1:30pm |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Stevie, just read your short. Not really sure what to say about it. Not much of a story going on here, but I guess there's only so much you can do when you are only allowed a few pages and have to use lyrics to a song. It wasn't bad or anything, but it didn't really make much of an impression on me either. If I were you I would do what Jeff suggested and tighten up and break up some of your action paragraphs. Also try to use better verbs. Surely you can come up with a better description for "walks quickly". Just nit picking. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 13 |
|
|
jayrex |
Posted: August 15th, 2010, 2:48pm |
|
|
Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Hey Steve,
This was pretty good, I enjoyed this version.
When I got to the end I felt your story was the beginning of a music video. Kinda like a Michael Jackson video.
As much as some of the paragraphs weren't broken up, I found it an easy read.
All the best,
Javier |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 13 |
|
|
stevie |
Posted: August 15th, 2010, 5:02pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Hi guys, thanks to all for the read.
Yeah, I see your point, Pia. i knew after writing it there was no story. The challenge requirements were sort of loose, I guess - use the lyrics. I was trying for a more visual approach as to how I pictured the song in my head. Javier makes a good point about likening it to a music video. Sometimes this type of throw-away stufff just comes out for me; I get the inspiration, do it and its gone.
'hurries' instead of 'walks quickly'?
Only just realised there's an editing error in the last scene - the Werewolf should say, 'Welcome to Trader Vics' before asking warren if he wants a drink. I re-wrote that bit and forgot the exact lines.
Cheers all stevie
|
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 13 |
|
|
sniper |
Posted: August 16th, 2010, 7:08am |
|
|
Old Timer My UZI Weighs A Ton
LocationNorthern Hemisphere Posts2249 Posts Per Day 0.48 |
Hey Stevie,
A funny set of scenes for sure, good use of the lyrics as well but I'm having trouble spotting the actual story here though.
Where's it at, dawg? |
| Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 13 |
|
|
Shelton |
Posted: August 16th, 2010, 3:31pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients
LocationChicago Posts3292 Posts Per Day 0.49 |
Everything appears to be used here, and although a little bit light on the story, I think it still works.
I got a couple of laughs out of it, and the nod to Warren added some bonus points. |
| Shelton's IMDb Profile
"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 13 |
|
|
stevie |
Posted: August 16th, 2010, 4:45pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Hey Stevie,
A funny set of scenes for sure, good use of the lyrics as well but I'm having trouble spotting the actual story here though.
Where's it at, dawg? |
Um, there isn't one! Sorry Rob! Mike, cheers man. |
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 13 |
|
Pages: 1 |