Late At The Diner by Eric Gonzalez - Short, Comedy - There's a hit going down at the diner tonight, but who's is it? 8 pages - pdf, format

Eric

This started well with a sorta’ homage to “The Godfather” when Michael has to kill McCluskey and Sollozzo by having the gun planted in the bathroom for Vince.

However, things got a bit ridiculous after that and while I know you got comedy in the logline this didn't make me laugh, it was all a bit screwball-ish for my liking, a bit too silly you know. From the overly repetitious, sometimes infantile dialogue to the gratuitous violence I just never took to it sorry.

Of course this is just my opinion, others may dig this type of comedy.

On the plus side, from a technical perspective, the actual writing was pretty solid and easy to read. Although one awkward phrase stuck out for me on:

Page 5 - "Vince and Larry are now wrestling each other. Punching one
another with their bloody stubs. They’re also growing tired
because of their lack of blood."

-- Maybe change that to something like "Vince and Larry wrestle, pummel one another with their bloody stubs. Loosing a lot of blood, they struggle for breath, fatigue" or something like that.

Best of luck

Col.

Hey, I didn't even notice they put this up.

Thanks for the read, Col. I'm glade you found my writing simple to read, I'm told that's a good quality to have in your scripts. Honestly I don't even know what genre to put this little piece under. I put comdey because I believed it was much too silly to put as a drama or anything else.

As for that "Awkward Phrase", I agree with you. It bothers the crap out of me, but I wrote this is about 20 or 30 minutes, and I didn't really bother to look over it before posting. Honestly I just wanted to post something, it had been a while since my last and I longed for some constructive criticism.

I appreciate your criticism and will use it to improve my next project. Thanks.

Title is definitely on the awkward side.
Some of the action should be reworded.  specifically "the clerks chest fills up with bullets".  seems like it should be sprayed, not filled if larry is firing while falling.

Overall I gotta agree with Col.  I do like the general premise, a comedy of two idiots each supposed to kill each other and both failing.  I just think it needs a bit better comedy, and the action needs to be reworked to be a little smoother.

In any case, nice idea, good luck with it.

So far I love the beginning scene. Let's see where this is going...

"That sick, you know" you meant That's sick.

Sometimes I like the question mark in action and other times I don't. I didn't particularly like yours. You could have said something like his face turns red, or he uncomfortably shifts in his seat as he keeps a suspicious eye on Larry. I don't know, it's not perfect, but  something like that.

The exchange in dialogue would be funnier if they used different words from each other. "This is my job, buddy" "no, this is my job" You could have replaced job with "hit" for the second guy to use.

He just said "screw you". The second time was odd. Okay, well he said it a third time, so I'm assuming his mind is gone and he's saying it in a sort of slurred way, on the verge of passing out.  That actually would be funny. But he was talking to Du, so he does have all his marbles... I don't get it.

So when Larry stood up with the uzi and they were both confused on the hit, I assumed Du wanted to see who was the better killer. When you revealed this, I thought you were still setting us up for some type of twist, but it just ended. I thought the bartender played a role in the story. Why was he in cahoots with Vince in the beginning? He had the advantage. Did Du set it up?

The bloody fight was odd. This script had it's funny moments, but overall I think it needs more work.