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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Swat Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Swat by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Comedy, Animation - The extermination of a minuscule pest 1 page - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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bert
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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So what do you say about a single page?

I liked how you handled the cover page, before I even read the story.

And then I thought the story was pretty average until the very, very end -- that was enough to save it.

Not a big fan of the single page scripts, but this was alright.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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jwent6688
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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Ste,

Write this anonymously?? I agree with Bert that the very end is the best part.

I had a problem with the human/ fly head being as big to Jack as he was to the fly, yet this all seemed to take place in a living room. It would be like Godzilla in your living room.

Writing style was clean though, not much else to say. I could never pull off a one pager.

James


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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This reminds me of Christopher Nolan’s Doodlebug. I guess great minds think alike.





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stebrown
Posted: August 18th, 2010, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads.

I wrote this for last month's moviepoet competition and someone over there pointed out the similarities with Nolan's short. I think there are enough differences for it not to be a problem but I guess people can judge for themselves. I hadn't seen that short before writing this though.

For the logical problem of how the monster would fit in the living room- I saw this kind of like the borrowers, where a tiny corner of a room could be made to look like a room itself. I think it would work as an animation.

Ste



Revision History (1 edits)
stebrown  -  August 18th, 2010, 1:57am
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colkurtz8
Posted: August 18th, 2010, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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I immediately thought of “Doodlebug” as well, its very similar to this. However, since you say you never saw it prior to writing this I must give you props on an inventive 1 pager, Ste.

I agree too that's it’s perfectly suited for animation.


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stebrown
Posted: August 18th, 2010, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Col.

Yeah, it's a bit of a gutter when you write something and later find out it's very similar to something that already exists. It's happened to me before with a Nickleback video of all things. Ha!

My brother does a fair bit of animation so I might see if he's interested in having a go at this next time I speak to him.

Thanks again for taking a look.

Ste


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Trojan
Posted: August 18th, 2010, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste,

I rated this one an excellent over on MoviePoet, it was one of my favourites for the month and I expected it to rate higher. I think some people graded it down because they didn't think it was a complete story, but I think it works really well for what it is. Loved the ending here.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Mr.Z
Posted: August 18th, 2010, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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I rated this one a VG at MP. Nicely done, Stephen.  


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jayrex
Posted: August 18th, 2010, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Pretty good, worth the read.

I have no problems about the size thing as it's about perspective and a different situation, but same location same problem.


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khamanna
Posted: August 18th, 2010, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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I gave it a VG too!
Never heard about Nolan's short but my child's friend's mom said to her child once - Don't kill that fly or one day you'll turn around and see a giant one staring at you. It happened just a day before I read yours... - what are the odds - she just made a joke, she has to start writing perhaps.
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sniper
Posted: August 19th, 2010, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Ste.

Man, this shit dragged on for, like, ever. Seriously, nicely done. You got a never ending story going in one page. Impressive. I haven't seen Nolan's short but this sort of gag is often used in cartoons, you know, small fish gets eaten by bigger fish gets eaten by even bigger fish gets eaten by much bigger fish etc.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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stebrown
Posted: August 19th, 2010, 2:40am Report to Moderator
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Cheers folks.

Yeah, the never-ending aspect of this was a last minute addition that I made. I think it's a good final twist that gives the whole script a sort of circular feel.

There's been two similar shorts pointed out to me - Nolan's 'Doodlebug' and one with Ewen McGregor called 'Desserts'. Worth checking out.

Thanks again, and sorry for taking up so much of your time there, Rob


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rc1107
Posted: September 1st, 2010, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Lol.

Usually, I laugh whenever I come across a one pager and don't take it too seriously.  However, I actually have come across two or three that weren't actually too bad.  One even had a beginning, a middle, and an end!

This one I could file under 'enjoyable one pager'.

Plus, it reminded me of when I was younger, and thought that we are all just part of a larger picture that we don't even know about, and one day, someone's going to smack the earth like a pinata at a party.


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stebrown
Posted: September 2nd, 2010, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Mark.

Yeah, one pagers are difficult. This was for last month's moviepoet 1 pager competition - I've only ever written ones this short for those comps as they are so hard to do right.

Pleased you enjoyed it.

Ste


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