After.Dark by Brandyn Bullock - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Julian Hamadi, a vampire prince, runs into an enemy of the hierarchy and disposes him. 7 pages - pdf, format

I am not clear why you would designate a mere seven pages as being "based on a concept" of your own devising.  I mean, seven pages is a concept, more or less.  Anyways, putting that on the cover feels pretentious, and I would lose it.

And what you really have here is a scene -- with 3 entire pages consumed by Julian running through the woods -- too much -- even though it did have a nice flow to it, actually.

As an action scene, the latter half of the script is competent enough, though I am uncertain what an "uber death grip" might look like.  Sounds a bit "Dragon Ball" to me.

Honestly, were I watching this film, my reaction would be, "that's it?"  This is pretty effects-heavy (read "costly") for a stand-alone short -- but taken as a whole, this script does not stand alone.  Have you got plans for this?

I have to echo what Burt said here. Not really sure what the point of the 'based on a concept by...' is. Why do you have a period in your title, seems strange to me.

IMO you don't need to include descriptions such as 'the voice over continues' as it is fairly obvious when we can see that someone is speaking.

I'd suggest giving ages for your characters and some descriptions so we can visualise them.

A couple of times you use the word 'wiping' but I think you mean 'whipping' eg. hair wiping in the wind.

Major problems here in that you start talking about stuff that the audience will have no idea about and you offer no explanation. What is the Syndicate? What is the Dragon Council? Who are these people, really?

Ultimately there isn't a full story here, and as Bert said, it feels like more of a scene. If you expanded this to a feature it could be promising, but as a short I am just left thinking what was the point of that? This would be quite expensive to make so I'm not really sure what you are going for. Do you intend to shoot this yourself? It seems to me that this would work better almost as an extended trailer for a feature than as a complete short, so interested in hearing your take on this.

Cheers,
Tim.

Bert and Trojan nailed the majority of it.

I want to adress the amount of direction you placed in this. If you were to cut out the over black, fade up, cu, (continue), pov, hold, pull back, ecu, wide on, tight on, focus on, widen on, quick cu, in slo-mo, shooting script, continued:, we see, date stamp, smash cut, ---, and bold wording, you might be left with a 5 pager at best.

In other words, write it. Leave the direction to the---

Shawn.....><

  

Way too much description.  Longest five page script I ever read.  I was looking for witty conversation.  But hardly anything happens.  I suggest rewriting it with less descriptive action and a bit more dialogue.

Hi,

I've examined additional scenes and can provide observations to help increase the script’s depth concerning inclusivity and the portrayal of its characters.

Real-World Relevance: Julian's role as a supernatural enforcer presents opportunities to parallel real-world issues of justice and accountability. Consider how these supernatural laws and Julian's enforcement of them mirror or contrast societal laws and the experiences of marginalized communities. This could lead to a richer narrative that invites viewers to question and reflect on themes of justice in both the real and fantastical realms.

Inclusive Themes: The script could develop themes that resonate with diverse audiences, such as the complexities of upholding one's duty in the face of moral dilemmas, or the sense of alienation from "normal" society, which can metaphorically represent the experiences of those who feel marginalized.

Character Complexity: The interactions between Julian and the other supernatural beings demonstrate hierarchy and rivalries. Julian, as a character with significant power, must grapple with the weight of his decisions. This could be further nuanced by exploring how his actions affect those with less power or authority within the supernatural society as well as humans, giving voice to lesser-seen perspectives.

Consequence of Violence: The script revels in its depiction of superhuman combat. While this can be exciting, consider the consequences of this violence. How does it affect the supernatural community and the human world? Exploring the aftermath can add depth and avoid gratuitous violence, making the narrative more responsible and nuanced.

Escalation and Portrayal of Conflict: The escalation of conflict and the subsequent fights between Julian and the vampires are intense and suggest a broader underlying conflict. There is an opportunity here to show different forms of conflict resolution, perhaps some that do not always resort to physical violence, reflecting diverse strategies that different cultures or groups might employ.

Female Agency: The female vampires currently function more as instruments in the battle rather than fully fleshed-out characters with agency. Giving them clearer motivations, backstories, and possibly a larger role beyond the fights could work towards better representation and depth.

Language and Dialogues: The dialogue is functional within the genre, but there is room for it to reflect a wider array of voices and linguistic experiences. The script can include dialogue that reflects different sociolects or includes non-English languages spoken by the diverse creatures of the night, reflecting a multicultural community.

Reflections on Power: Julian’s role as a powerful figure could be juxtaposed with his personal reflections on what it means to hold power and the responsibilities that come with it. This can serve as a vehicle to explore themes of privilege and the complexities it introduces.

These suggestions aims to balance the exciting supernatural elements with a careful and thoughtful approach to inclusivity and representation.

It's funny, I was thinking about this the other day. Why do people use "After Dark" to mean night. Surely "After Dark" it would be light. SOrry nothing to do with the script itself it's just something I've been thinking about then I saw this title.