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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  It Takes Two - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    It Takes Two - 7WC  (currently 3640 views)
Don
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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It Takes Two - 7WC by Khamanna Iskandarova - Thriller - An amnesiac patient must solve the puzzle of what led him to his present condition and choose to believe either his brother or his wife. Only he has a secret of his own... 96 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  December 13th, 2010, 3:11pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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I'm more than just a little bit leery about posting any negative feedback after the debacle going on in the C.C World thread, but this one is up next.

Khamanna, I have to start with your logline, as I feel logs are very important...they're the first thing anyone sees, before even reading the actual script, and when there are multiple errors in a 2 sentence log, it's just a big red flag waiving, telling us there are going to be problems within.

So, this is merely meant to help, and maybe you want to correct this ASAP.

"An amnesiac patient must solve the puzzle of what have lead him to his present condition and choose who to believe his brother or his wife. Only he has a secret of his own… "

- "have lead" - "led"  "and choose who to believe his brother or his wife" - "and choose to believe either his brother or his wife".  It's just a really awkward line and again, it's just a bad way to start things out, IMO.

I honestly do not want to be picky or the like, but IMO, this does not read the way you want it to.
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khamanna
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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I'm planning to rewrite the logline altogether as it does seem a bit like a tagline, never gave it another thought.

But for now: "An amnesiac patient must solve the puzzle of what led him to his present condition and choose to believe either his brother or his wife. Only he has a secret of his own..."

Thanks for corrections.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Much better!  I'm reading it now and will comment ASAP. (later today).
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c m hall
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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My take on this is that it's a very clever story (confusing but very interesting), it reminds me of b/w films from the 1940s and '50s -- I imagine it with all kinds of odd angles in the camera shots and sharp, jarring music.  

I think that knife game works beautifully for you, and you manage to keep the flashbacks under control.

I don't know how, but I'd like to see Kate's character revealed a little more.

Trivial point -- in American English one normally says "Steve and I" instead of "I and Steve" -- maybe in other parts of the world it's different -- but in this case I think the "I and Steve (or whoever)" works like a sort of mirror image, making the audience aware of yet another odd, possible angle to the story.

Anyway, I think you've done remarkable work.

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Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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OK, Khamanna, here we go.  People seem to detest the way I “qualify” my comments with “this is seriously meant to help”, “don’t take this the wrong way”. “sorry for being harsh”, etc, that I continually throw out, but I’m going to say the same things here again, and I do mean them.

These are merely my opinions, and they’re meant to help, and I apologize if anything I say comes off as harsh.

First off, congrats on completing a feature length script in 7 short weeks.  That’s is seriously something to be proud of.

I got through page 19, and I think I better stop.  I took some notes as I read which I’ll include at the end that may help with a few things.

Things just aren’t working for me here.  I’m completely lost with the apparent problems with character’s dialogue(boxes) and interaction with other characters.  I have this feeling that things could be cleaned up to read clearer, as I am pretty sure I know where this is going and what you’re trying to do and get across.

The way it’s written though is not working for me, and I don’t want to continue.

There are things about your writing that I really like and appreciate.  Your descriptions are imaginative, creative, and have visual quality.  It’s also clear that you’ve created an intricate story here that could be really engaging.

As written, though, it’s not getting through to me.

The fact that you have 2 identical twin characters that are constantly switching and acting like each other is a big problem and distraction.  It has to be clear to your audience who is who and who is doing what.  If you’re trying to conceal that, it’s fine, but it has to be written so that it makes sense, and currently, it’s either not, or I just can’t seem to follow along.

A big issue, I’d recommend looking at seriously, is your dialogue.  It doesn’t come off remotely realistic.  It’s jilted, staged, and odd at times.  It’s also full of exposition that wouldn’t really be coming out in dialogue…in other words, it seems contrived, and here simply to pass information to the audience.  Characters don’t really seem to know each other and have a past together.

I think there is potential here, though, so I look forward to reading revisions and helping any way I can.  I can go into these comments deeper, if you’d like.  Just let me know.

Best of luck on this.

Page by page notes…

Page 1 – POV incorrectly done.

If this first “scene” is indeed a dream, it’s not properly formatted and reads very confusing.

OK, it’s night, in a small apartment, meaning it’s dark.  How does Cole look at this picture, and why would there be a mirror in a man’s night stand, in he’s doing lines.

Page 4 – Too many examples of these 2 brothers using each other’s name in dialogue.   Also, doubt it makes any sense for Steve to come over to Cole’s late at night for this brief meeting…why not just have it take place via the phone.  A lot of exposition in the dialogue.

Once we go to “OVER BLACK”, I’m clueless as to what’s supposed to be happening onscreen.  Also, I think this should be a “FADE TO BLACK” or the like.

Page 5 – In the Female Voice’s dialogue, the entire line has no spaces between words.

So, since we were on a black screen, we need to fade into the next scene, yet you say “the screen frame twirls into…”, which doesn’t make sense because it’s a black screen to start, and a SLUG of “THE MIND OF COLE” doesn’t make much sense or have any visual meaning.

Page 6 – I’d recommend losing transitions like “CUT TO:” unless they really do something, and these don’t, IMO.  Also, you’re once again stating you’re over a black screen, yet you describe things, meaning it’s not a black screen.  This entire thing is very confusing as written.

New SLUG of “GAMBLING ROOM” is rough.

“loosing” – losing”
OK, seems like this is a Flashback scene – if that’s the case, you need to label it as such.  When a character is “younger” we need to know his age. In a filmed version, we’d be guessing, obviously, but on paper, you need to give all the info you can, since we don’t have the benefits of visuals.

Page 8/9 – Is it Gary or Garry?  You’ve used both.

Page 9 – You’ve got Steve in the room, and Cole on the bed, right?  Barbara says something about Steve being back, think you mean. Cole, right?

Page 10 – Now she says, “Cole, are you staying?” – She means, Steve, right?  These kinds of issues are crushing as it’s impossible to follow what’s going on.  Needs to be fixed up.

Steve says, “I’ll stay with Steve” – HUH?

And again, now she says, “Cole, tell Kate…” – I have no clue what’s going on!

The V.O.’s from Cole are really confusing as well.  I’m lost.

Page 11 – I’m even more lost now, with the intro to the doctor.  Khamanna, something isn’t working here…maybe it’s me, but I’m completely clueless here.
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khamanna
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you C M Hall, I appreciate the read and agree with your points.

Thanks Dreamscale for your take on my first 20p and for page by page notes. I haven't read your responses to other scripts but this what you have here for me works just fine (maybe you toned it down, I don't know) but this is not mean at all.
Just one thing I need to clarify for you - P9 & 10 - no she doesn't mean Steve, Cole now has a scar - so everyone thinks he is Steve. Steve has a turtleneck to hide his scar, everyone assumes he's Cole.

What I think is - it's harder to read than to watch, when you watch you'll see the scar, the close-ups and get the point. When you read (and plus this is a frustrating read) something like this you may easily get lost. I've heard this from a writer (a very good writer) and can see what he means. But this is confusing, like I said I have to tone  the flashbacks down, simplify a bit.

Thanks for the read!
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Brian M
Posted: September 7th, 2010, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Hey Khamanna,

Congratulations on completing the challenge within the 7 weeks. I’m just going to write my thoughts on various things in no particular order so I apologize if it seems I’m rambling. I hope you can make some sense and it helps you in some way. Anyway, I’ve not noted any typos as we will all have plenty to spare so I see no need to point them all out. It is a first draft after all. On to the story...

SPOILERS AS USUAL...

I’ll admit to being very confused on more than one occasion. I had to read some parts several times but I think I got everything in the end. It does come off as a bit of a “WHAT?” moment when they refer to Cole as Steve and such, but once we realize what’s going on, I thought I’d be okay. There were still times where I was questioning what’s going on, like Kate motivations. I’ve thought about it and I think I know how you can help the reader in this situation.  

I think there is a definite lack of information until the later pages. I’m all for a mystery, but you need to keep the reader interested with some revelations, and right now, I don’t think there is enough of them. In the last 10 or so pages, we are bombarded with flashbacks to fill us in on what’s happened, but nothing before that. More than halfway through the script, I still had little to no idea on several things. Who is the bad guy? Is it really Steve? Why would Cole think that Kate did it? Why would Cole agree to kill himself? If you could find a way for Cole to put everything together gradually and not overload us with everything in the last ten pages, the reader won’t be confused with 90% of what’s going on.

Next, the flashbacks. In my opinion, there are far too many of them. There might actually be just as many flashbacks here as there are scenes in present time. If you can cut them back to only what is necessary, it could help a lot.

There were a lot of good things in here. I liked the knife game, and I enjoyed it when they switched in the toilet and the lengths they went to when Cole cut himself so they could continue the twin act.

I also liked the transitions to the dreams/flashbacks (the screen twirling and such). Very imaginative and very visual. Some descriptions were great. One in particular for the bathroom “The kind that’s never seen a woman’s touch.” Liked that one a lot.

The laser treatment for the scar would not heal in the current time frame and would still certainly be noticeable.

Also, I didn’t think it was realistic that Kate wouldn’t recognize Cole from Steve, scar or no scar. I think she should be able to tell them apart. Maybe you should show us, the reader, something that separates Cole from Steve, which would help some of the confusing parts.

Her actions confused me throughout, which makes me think her character needs a lot of work. I didn’t really like her, partly because I didn’t know who’s side she was on. Saying that, I still think we should find something in her that makes us want to believe she’s on Cole’s side. As it stands, I didn’t really care about her.

Dialogue was a problem for me, sorry to say. I always struggle with dialogue when writing, too. Some of it felt really forced, and with another draft, I’m sure you can fix it. Example on page 19 - “That’s so unlike you”.  I felt that wasn’t natural and being forced on us. There were a few good lines, too. The Beggar’s line “For a burger” made me smile.

Over all, good work for seven weeks and it’s something you could definitely improve on if you can get a handle on the confusing parts and flashbacks. I agree with Catherine that it reminded me of those black and white thriller movies from the 40’s. I can’t remember anything else to write but I will add if anything comes to mind later. You kept me interested to the end. Good work!

Brian
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khamanna
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much for reading and deciphering it. I'm aware AND agree with you on all points. Thank you for double push - I'll try to find a way to cut the flashbacks and make it clearer.

I kept Cole wondering whether it's Kate or Steve on purpose though - structured the whole story on that: when he realizes it's Kate - that's the midpoint, when he understands it's Steve and returns to the hospital - that's beginning of the third act. I wonder if I should take your suggestion though, I see what you're saying and find it wonderful thought, just don't know.

Thank you, I'll read yours next!
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Khama,

I'm returning the read here. Before I go any further, congrats on finishing the 7WC!

I read up to page 33 where your Act I ends. That's a long Act I for a 90ish page script. But I guess it's okay as long as you set things up properly.

Here are my notes:

The identical twins premise is intriguing.

I liked the finger fillet scene in the beginning. That looks tense.

You had Doctor Brubaker's dialogue box as DOCTOR but in the description you called him as Brubaker. Pick one or another.

I don't really like Steve talking to himself in the hospital room. And most of his speech is pure exposition.

Whoa...whoa...whoa...Read this on page 17: "Steve exits the stall and it’s apparent now that it was Cole who exited the bathroom, left with the opponent and finished the game for Steve." So who exited the stall and the bathroom, and who finished the game?

On page 18, Kate addressed to Steve, who she thinks is Cole, is a bit awkward. Isn't Kate Cole's wife? So Kate should say Honey or something to that effect, not Cole. I know what you're trying to do here. You wanna tell us that Kate thinks Steve is Cole, but we already assume that's the case.

WHAT? Why would Kate kiss Cole on the lips when she thinks the one lying on the bed is Steve?

On page 22, I don't get the conversation, is Garrett teaming up with Cole and Steve? It seems like Garrett is acknowledging the fraud and helping Cole and Steve.

You should write the dialogue box as MALE NURSE, not just NURSE because there was another nurse in the beginning.


Here are my general thoughts. Unfortunately, I didn't really understand what's supposed to be going on (i.e. the big picture) in those 33 pages.

I see things happening. Like Cole cuts himself to look like Steve, they switch identity, they talked about some money and Kate may know where it is, Cole and Steve were police officers and they teamed up in finger fillet game. BUT they don't really come together to form a clear goal for Cole.

I don't understand their motives either. So like Cole and Steve hate each other now? But why? I thought they were teaming up. Why not just split the money in half?

There are also some flashback scenes that don't move the story forward. Like Kate and Cole arguing about the twin act. We already knew about the twin act.

Hopefully all of these questions will be answered as I read further.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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khamanna
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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on p18 Kate did not kiss him - Cole was imagining that. --just to clarify.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm.....really? I re-read it but it still reads like it's not Cole's imagination.

Is it the SNAP that signifies back to reality?

I don't know, it's not that clear. But why do you want Cole to imagine things in the first place?


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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khamanna
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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He wants it to be this way, thinks that's what's going to happen next. I'll try to find out how to write it properly - need to read more thrillers for that I think. I thought it's the coolest thrilling trick but probably not clear as written.

The act break is on p26 when scalpel disappears - Cole came to his senses and started acting. He also tells Steve where the money is, bluffs to get rid of him - that's the second act already.

You know what if you want to take a raincheck and check out the full version when I'm done with the rewrite - that's good with me. Your comments are helpful but I know the script is confusing and don't want to bother you. Besides I'll use a read on the rewrite...
Your call really. Thanks.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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I think the meeting with Kate is the most confusing part thus far. It seems like Kate knows that Cole is actually Cole in one instance, but then switches back to Steve in the next second.

I need to know something more between Lee and Cole. Was Cole Lee's boss from before? They seem to know each other quite well. I mean, Lee in this situation should just kick out Cole and leave him there.

I couldn't connect the dots. How did Cole know that Kate was trying to kill him?

I stopped reading at page 57. I hope you understand. I just couldn't feel a direction in the story. What's Cole trying to do here?

But I'll take a raincheck. Just let me know after you rewrite it.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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grademan
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna,

Congrats on finishing the 7WC! It feels good to finish a feature, doesn’t it? Here are my comments:

This story was clever but confusing. I liked the five finger fillet knife game.

I didn’t like being pulled into the black in the early scenes.

Your narrative was quirky at times with phrases that described what should have been shown or divulged in dialog.

Not an easy read for me. I know twin stories are meant to be confusing to an extent. Somehow I got confused on who was who fairly early on. Cut or not, the twins were hard to follow. Neither stood out as unique and thus I had trouble getting behind the characters. So maybe I just missed something that would tie it all together for me.

Gary
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