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Don't tell us he's a mysterious man. Let us find that out for ourselves. Or explain what's so mysterious about him. You did a good job by telling us he wore a top hat and carried a cane. Maybe you can mention that he walks funny.
"looks through window on the door" Looks through THE window on the door.
I hope you explain why Greyson stared at her like that.
"Greyson sits and then Alicia finally sits down." The sentence read to rough. You have a lot of that in your script. Everything has to flow. Try not to use the same word twice in a sentence. "Sit" It reads kind of lazyish. no offense.
You should add that the waitress gives her a strange look when she leaves. And why would she be calling for the backpack as if it were going to call back?
"waking up the walkway" did you mean walking?
"your looking for" is you're looking for.
Okay the daughter link was good, but the execution was way off. The dialogue was unnatural and sounded rushed. This would have worked effectively if the entire script was rearranged and maybe 5 pages longer.
First you should have Alicia looking at her parents through the window. Then show her at the diner. Greyson shows up, but she brushes him off. Next day she's back at the house, then back to the diner. Greyson shows up, she tells him about her troubles, Greyson leads her to the house, where she meets the real Greyson. He invites her in.
This is where you need to take your time and reveal everything but at the same time make it sound very natural. Like there needs to be a legitimate reason why Greyson lets her in his house in the first place, and then their conversation needs to flow after that. I can't really tell you how to do that, it just comes with practice. I see you have the story telling ability, but I'll have to say that your dialogue needs work.
Overall, great story, but the execution needs work.
- If you take my advice, send me the rewritten draft. I'll give it another look.
ALICIA, 13, sits at a booth in the diner, with her coffee, staring down at the table.
"To painful to confront them?"
Should be "Too"
P6, during Grayson's lines. It should be:
"They are" instead of "There"
p7
Full of people, customers. Waitress hovers over Alicia’s table. Alicia starring at the table head down.
"Staring"
p9
You used "Your" when it's supposed to be "You're" twice in the dialogue.
Done.
This was quite a strange story (but not in a bad way). I haven't seen Inception and I don't know in what ways you were inspired by it, so maybe the hidden meanings just flew right over my head. It wouldn't be the first time.
Technical Stuff:
The action was great. Clear, straight to the point and always visual. I'm sure you've been writing for a good while. It shows.
The dialogue, however, I thought was so-so. Some of it was good, but a lot of it could have been much better. A lot of it was unnatural, since both Alicia and Grayson shared a lot of personal details to each other despite knowing one another for all of twenty-five seconds.
For instance, when Alicia asks about Grayson's wedding ring, he goes on to tell her about his wife passing away, how she was killed and how they once had a daughter but gave her up for adoption. I just couldn't imagine why someone would tell a total stranger this, even if it was a cute little girl. I would suggest trying to come up with more natural ways to get Grayson to reveal that so it wouldn't come off as a random info-dump. Similarly, when Alicia first meets Grayson outside of her doorstep, she almost immediately tells him about her parents constantly arguing and that she ran away five years ago (!!!!!! -- which reminds me, where did she go/what did she do during those five years?). Maybe Grayson should build Alicia's trust in him first before she proceeds to tell him about her personal life.
Like... for instance, when he first meets Alicia, he sees that she's upset and they talk for a while -- blah blah blah, but Alicia remains very cold and withdrawn. Grayson could then offer to take her to the diner or something to help cheer her up, but she doesn't want to go with him at first. So he begins to leave, but then she changes her mind and follows him. Then, while they're at the diner, Grayson could reveal a few (if vague) details about himself, prompting Alicia to confide in him about what's troubling her.
Juuust a thought.
But yeah, this was a nice read. I liked the ending. Keep it up.
Hi Matt I found this an interesting read, but i didn't really understand much of what was going on. I haven't seen inception either and don't know if that would be a prerequisite to read this.
But what was the relevance and importance of her realizing if her parents were or weren't arguing?
I didn't understand what her special gift was, is there some link between the dream sequence and her finding her father? Does she not recognize Grayson as the man in her dream? Does Grayson live on the same street as Alicia's foster parents?
As the others have already said the ending feels rushed, the backpack, the 'on the nose' dialog, her dropping a piece of paper with her name on it, feels contrived. Needs to be more subtle, it was too obvious that she was his daughter when he first mentions he once had a daughter, so by the time the 'twist' comes it is less of a revelation and more just a confirmation. Also what was the purpose of the paper with her name on it, Grayson doesn't read it, if it is only to inform the reader of her identity there must be a better way to establish this.
Sorry for bombarding you with questions, the guys before me didn't seem to have any problems understanding what was going on, so maybe i'm being a bit dense. It was intriguing and interesting story and has got me guessing to try and work it out.
Thanks everyone for reading the script. Sorry I haven't been on here in almost a month. I've been sick for the last 3 weeks. You know that cold and cough you get that when you cough and/or sneeze it makes your brain slam into your forehead giving you awful headaches? Yeah that's what I experienced. Hasn't had something like that in two years, and don't want it ever again!
Thanks everyone for the constructive criticism. It really helps to go back and review it and then see what the readers liked and what they believe needs work. I don't know when I'll be getting to a re-write of this, as other projects are taking precedent.
I agree that the dialogue is a bit rushed, and this was done kind of on purpose to see how if it work or not and until it goes onto film, there's really no way to tell. Though I can where some might feel it destroys the flow.
For the reader that asked about calling the backpack: sorry that was an error, I meant to mention that Alicia was talking to herself. As for the mysterious man... that shouldn't have been in there! I can't believe I left it in, b/c the whole point is to wonder who and what this Grayson is doing.
****SPOILERS*****
I'm assuming if you posted on this thread, that you've read the script, but if you have not, you may want to read it first before scrolling down any further.
For those that wonder why Alicia would be so upfront and forward with Grayson remember at this moment Grayson is an image a thought in her head. Alicia's thoughts are controlling that whole scenario. Okay, so how do you know it's here thoughts? Read page 2 through 8 again. The cafe is a clue.
The dialogue should not seem rushed or at least it's not my intention for that perception. I have a few things I thought of just while re-reading the script a few minutes ago that might make it seem less back-and-forth.
And at the end - Yes, it should be obvious by the time Alicia's at the front door. The very end with the paper and the answering machine was more for the audience/reader to see that Grayson does find out it's his daughter and to confirm for those that weren't completely sure.
Yeah, this was a strange/intriguing story and if you haven't seen Inception you should. I don't think there's really anything linking Inception and my story as far as one specific point, it was just the way Nolan filmed Inception and his "different layers" on reality and dream states that gave me this idea. He's one of my favorite directors. My favorite direct is the great Alfred Hitchcock.
I think that's all. If you have any other questions about the story or are still confused feel free to ask, and I'll try to clarify it for you.
Also just to let you know I've had two people request permission and want to film it. One found the script here, and not sure if the other person got it from this site or another. I gave both of them permission and am excited to see their finished product. While I asked them to stick to the script as much as possible, I did give them permission to change dialogue and locations as needed for their budget requirements, etc.
I also had a teacher at a University in Atlanta want to use the script for pre-production course. I don't think she said she was going to film anything, just wanted to use it in class. THe funny thing is, I wrote this is I think 2-3 days and didn't expect anything like this to come of it. I'm glad people are enjoying it.
Anyway, thanks again for reading and feedback. I promise, I'll be back on here reading as many scripts as I can go through and providing feedback to you as well. I've got some catching up to do!!
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A Twist of Fate
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