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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  BFF (Best Friend Forever) Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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BFF (Best Friend Forever) by Des Nnochiri - Short, Horror - A young man's chance reunion with an old flame takes an unexpected turn. 14 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 26th, 2010, 1:44pm
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dogglebe
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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This was a cute story.  My big problem with it was the formatting.  You don't need to hit return and start a new sentence on a new line every time.  It actually made it a little difficult to read.  You can combine two or three sentences in a paragraph as long as each paragraph makes up its own 'moment of time.'  Correcting your spacing problem would probably shorten this script by five or six page (which is always good).

In regards to the story, I think you rushed things a little.  You dropped Tyler's introduction in our laps and then dropped Melanie there, too.  But you're not developing the story; you're not letting it flow.

The ending was a bit predictable, not much.  You may want to trim the hints down a little.  Careful not to take too much out; it'll cause a confusing ending.


Phil
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Craiger6
Posted: September 18th, 2010, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Des,

I just got finished reading this one, and I thought it was a good job.  I think that there are definitely some things that can be fixed up about this one, but I enjoyed it.  Some may quibble with the “novel writing” at times, but I thought the writing was good, and I thought it was a cool little story.

P. 3

“Upwardly mobile, but not in the truly big leagues. Yet.”

Nice description.

P. 3

“There's a STORM RAGING, outside.”

How bout’ just – “A storm rages outside.”

P. 4

“Seven years, six months, twenty-seven days.”

Creepy….

P. 4

“The phone's gone dead.”

Ha.  Nice.

P. 5

“Who’s out, in this weather?”

I think I’d strike this line.  I mean how often we would say something like this when we are alone.  I think your previous action line (“He turns, surprised.”) says all you need in this situation.  

P. 5

“She sashays in.  Totally dry.  Not a dependent minor, in sight.”

I like the “not a dependent minor” line.  What if you had Tyler actually check outside the door after Melanie comes enters.  Like he is expecting there to be a gaggle of children following her.  Just a thought.

P. 10

I’m a little confused here.  On page 10, you write:

“And the PHONE RINGS. Downstairs.”

But then on page 11, after Tyler leaves the room, you write:

“From habit, Tyler picks up the cellphone.”

I’m not sure if I’m missing something.

P. 12

“PARAMEDIC (O.S.)” and “PARAMEDIC / JAMES BRADDOCK (O.S.)”

I might be wrong here, but I think you would initially identify him as just “Man (O.S.)” since we wouldn’t know that he is a paramedic.  

Also, interesting choice of name here.  Any significance?  I immediately think of the boxer and “Cinderella Man”.

(Okay, I just finished reading, and I don’t get the significance of using James Braddock as the name of the paramedic.  I think I would just use James, or no name at all.  Unless I’m missing something here.  Also, wouldn’t a Cop be the one to call Tyler rather than a paramedic?)

P. 12

“PARAMEDIC / JAMES BRADDOCK (O.S.)”

After you’ve introduced him, I’d just use “James” instead of the whole name, or paramedic.  

P. 14

“The magazines on the table. The hot chocolate.  Melanie didn’t ever actually touch anything, did she?”

I actually went back and re-read the earlier scene with Melanie when she first arrives, and I think you might want to clarify the following on P. 7:

“Tyler clears a space, and sets the cocoa mugs down.  He lifts his mug to Melanie, a mock toast.
TYLER
Here’s to you, kid.
MELANIE
Mmm.”


I’d agree with Phil’s comments above.  Your line spacing is a bit distracting.  

As far as the story, I think you might need to include a little more back story as to why Melanie is coming to “haunt” Tyler.  He strikes me as the type who wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I think you need to throw something into their past that would make Melanie want to come back and haunt him after she died.  Maybe his stalking has gone beyond his little shrine in his room.  Or, maybe they did “do it” back in camp, but only after he forced himself on her.  He’s since repressed that memory.

I enjoyed this one, and thanks for the read, but I think you may need to add a little more back story.

Anyway, hope this can be of some help.  Best of luck.

Craig


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dogglebe
Posted: September 18th, 2010, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Craiger6
“PARAMEDIC (O.S.)” and “PARAMEDIC / JAMES BRADDOCK (O.S.)”

I might be wrong here, but I think you would initially identify him as just “Man (O.S.)” since we wouldn’t know that he is a paramedic.


I'm gonna say that you're wrong here.  The character should be given a name and it should stay that way through out the script.  In this case, I would just go with Braddock.  Referring to a character by one name ("MAN") and then changing it to another ("BRADDOCK") can be confusing.  At the very least, you'll have to explain it later on, which is a waste of space.

Too many scripts include the character, MAN, because the writer doesn't want the reader to know who he is.  If you called him, BOB, no one will know who he is.  So why be mysterious with the names.

The exception to this MIGHT be if you're doing a mystery/thriller where you don't want to reveal the killer's identity just yet.


Phil

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Craiger6
Posted: September 18th, 2010, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe


I'm gonna say that you're wrong here.  The character should be given a name and it should stay that way through out the script.  In this case, I would just go with Braddock.  Referring to a character by one name ("MAN") and then changing it to another ("BRADDOCK") can be confusing.  At the very least, you'll have to explain it later on, which is a waste of space.

Too many scripts include the character, MAN, because the writer doesn't want the reader to know who he is.  If you called him, BOB, no one will know who he is.  So why be mysterious with the names.

The exception to this MIGHT be if you're doing a mystery/thriller where you don't want to reveal the killer's identity just yet.


Phil



I hear what you're saying, Phil.  

I guess this was my problem with the whole name choices in the first place.  If this were a feature, then I would wholeheartedly agree that he should be named "BRADDOCK".  But in this instance, the character really doesn't have that much bearing on the story, so, as a reader, I wouldn't have a problem with just "MAN (O.S.)".  Granted, the information that the character conveys is important to the story, but his name really isn't.

That said, I'm still confused about giving a seemingly insignificant character such a specific name.  It might just be an inside joke from the writer, I guess, but it struck me as odd.

Given the choice between "PARAMEDIC", "MAN", or "BRADDOCK", I'd probably just go with the former two, but I'm not sure how we would identify the speaker as a paramedic.  

But again, I get you're point.

CR


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DesNnochiri
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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First up, thank you all, for taking the time to read my script, and to do such a detailed analysis. You've raised some relevant points, and made some great suggestions. Thanks, again.

Regarding the James Braddock / Paramedic thing, this was more of an instinctual choice, on my part. It just seemed conversationally the natural thing for the guy to do, cold-calling a stranger whose number is the last one on an accident victim's cell - to give the guy (or whoever) both names.
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