All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
The Mantle by Brendon Rathbone - Short, Black Comedy - When a famed serial killer can't find a new and unique way of killing his latest victim, the despair of 'Killer's Block' sets in. 19 pages - pdf, format
Loved your logline: 'killer's block'....that's fantastic.
This reads like a short story but with the addition of camera shots. You paint a pretty visual picture both of the backdrop and the characters. The psycho is rather creepy. However, I thnk your descriptions are too excessive for a spec. script - for example, you don't need the Sarah and Carol drinking expensive lattes. There in a coffee shop they'll be drinking coffee, right? Does it matter if they're expensive lattes. It may seem a small point but there's lots of this throughout and basically, what it does it make it a chore to read. With scripts it's all about the bare necessities. I got to page 9 and was tempted to give up way before this....not because it's not a good story (I'll come on to this) but because of the 'excessiveness' in the writing. You also have a bit of a 'show and not tell' in there and your formatting will be picked up by other reviewers (more expert than I in that art!).
To the story....characters are ok (once we get past all the description) and the killer is good. However, it's all pretty formulaic until......page 9 and Guy speaks. At that point, I'm thinking hey I have a story here I'm interested in: that's a neat twist. Unfortunately, by this point I'm spent because I've had to get thru' 9 pages of reading (maybe I just have a short attention span which is why I read more scripts than books).
Maybe I'll finish it, but I really would tighten up that writing fella. Have a look at a few of the better scripts on this forum and you'll soon pick up what I mean.
My only thought on it is that I'm not clear on TMIW's motivation for doing what he does. You establish that it's because the victims are promiscuous, but I would like to know why he finds that so abhorrent. Like, did he fall for a girl who only saw him as a one-night stand?
But great job. Are you planning to produce this film?