Whore by Erik Garcia - Short, Horror - A short, experimental psychological horror story. 3 pages - pdf, format

I thought this was about my ex so i took a gander, I'm guessing this is a first draft, lots of mistakes for only 2 pages.  this seemed more like a short story than short script, Jeff would have a field day with this one! but it definitely has a david lynch thing going on, and i don't really get his movies and i really didn't get this script, maybe it just went over my head.  I think you should go over it a few times, like you say she goes into the bathroom, he takes a piss, did she turn into a he?  I'm not sure.  Anyways good luck!

I read this twice and I'm still not sure I get this script.

My big problem with the script, however, is your use of unfilmable and improper descriptions.

For some reason she cant seem to remember how she got here. Was she sleeping? Is she just tired?

Her mind tells her she’s not normal.

Perhaps a little voiceover can correct it, but these descriptions shouldn't be used in a script.


Phil

What the hell was this about?  I didn't get the connection between the body parts and her recollections of her parents.  Loads of unfilmables and grammatical errors.  Then there's this:

"Karla gets up and sits on the edge of the bed. She takes a
breath. Karla stands and walks over to the bathroom. She
walks in. He takes a piss."

Did Karla have a sex change on the way to the bathroom?  

Whatever yout intent was, I think you need to clarify the story.

The title is hilarious. Just simply "whore" I can't wait to see what this is actually about.

"For some reason she cant seem to remember how she got here. Was she sleeping? Is she just tired?" Usually I try to let unflimable action go because most of the time I think they CAN be fimalble. But this... it's just impossible. And then you added a question mark at the end.  Sometimes that can work, but not in this case. You told us she was standing perfectly still. IF she can't seem to remember how she got there, she would definitely be moving. Looking around with some sort of expression on her face.

I thought this was a kitchen sink. You should specify in your slugline that this is a bathroom.

Okay, you seem to be very new at this, so I'll try to help you out as best as I can.

- "Bits of dismembered body" I think you meant to say bits of skin, because that would need to
be an enormous shower head for that to happen.

"Her mind tells her she's not normal" You could cut that out because you show us that she looks in the mirror and see's a different picture of herself. So now we know she's crazy. Try not to tell us things that we can't see. ALWAYS just SHOW us.

Just don't ask questions in action, period.

You misspelled a couple of things.

You referred to your main character as a "He" at one point. It was when she went to go use the bathroom.

The ending didn't really tell us much. Her father killed the mother and now is back to kill her. This was more like a scene from a movie rather than an entire story. You need to read a lot of screenplays and maybe watch more movies. Random acts of violence never make good shorts. It may be gruesome to watch, but if you don'[t have an entertaining story, no one is going to make it.

Just read some more scripts and keep on practicing. Every one of us on this site started off with something like this, so don't worry about it! All we can do is get better.

Reminded me of an event that "Could" take place in Silent Hill, to be honest.  Not the movie world, either.  The game world.  Then again, I haven't played one in many moons.  My wife has Origins on the PS-go, so I might have to go and experience it.  Either and or, this script isn't so bad.  It's a strange, poorly written, script with some substance.  

As a story, it's nice.  It's just badly written as a screenplay.  The Silent Hill reference is a good one, Balt.


Phil

A metaphore rich script-

Of an honor killing.

I would like to hear from the writer.

Shawn.....><

Hey Erik,

First off, great title IMO.  Short and catchy.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid that this one went waaaaaay over my head.  As some others mentioned, there are some formatting mistakes, and some typos, but my biggest concern is the story, as I'm just really confused as to what was going on here.  That said, I could be missing something.  But, as currently constructed, I think this one needs a little work.  Best of luck.

Craig

SPOILERS

I like the strange atmosphere and can accept the uncertainty of the lead character in a strange situation -- but the typos made reading this too difficult, for me.   I wasn't sure if there was a Karl and a Karla and yet the story seemed interesting enough that I wanted to know.
Also, someone being told that she "was a whore" seems less dramatic than "you are a whore", I mean... what's past is past, we all have skeletons in our closets.