Rigby & Devon by Brandyn Bullock - Short, Romantic Comedy, Drama - The story of how Rigby Daniels and Devon Graham met. 20 pages - pdf, format

Hi Brandyn... this is my first time giving feedback on someone's script so I hope I express everything I feel about this piece to the best of my abilities.

+ The dialogue and speaking style of the characters worked for what was presented and complimented the script and overall tone of the story.

+ The overall script and the story itself read quite like your typical teenage youth movie, which I assume is what you were going for. To go into this further, I was reminded of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, with the way the action lines read as well as your story approach to Rigby and Devon's blossoming relationship and the problems preventing it through Derek.

+ The ending while expected and for some cliche seems to work quite well for this. Though I think you should have ended it with Rigby's friends actually meeting Devon or possibly having Devon walk in unannounced and mess with the sleeping Kara with either Rigby or Devon herself, announcing her presence.

- Grammar and spelling issues within the dialogue and amidst the action lines. A quick run-through would likely take care of this though.

- Most of the time, once you enter the initial meeting between Rigby and Devon, you start telling us how they feel for one another instead of showing us. However, it seems to be apart of the overall style and flow of the script. Though I can see a few people bringing this point to you so I thought I bring it up.

- It could be just me, but I think these series of quick shots could be handle more clearly. Such as...

Quoted Text Series of quick shots as Rigby accompanies Devon into the kitchen to get a drink, the two of them dance within in the crowd back in the living room, they sit on a couch, talking, and finally wind up...

Quoted Text Series of quick shots as Rigby and Devon enjoy themselves over slices of pizza. The ordeal at the party is now behind them. They only care about now, themselves and being together. Nothing can erase the smiles from their faces now.

Ex. SERIES OF SHOTS - RIGBY AND DEVON HAVE FUN TOGETHER

-- Rigby and Devon gets drinks.
-- Rigby and Devon dance within the crowd.
-- Rigby and Devon sit on the couch, talking.

This is just an example and I'm sure someone else may come up with better or say nothing is wrong.

- When you use "Don't fear the Reaper", you could probably indicate the music in a general way. Such as: Everything slows down as a HEAVY-METAL RIFF begins to play.

(?) I noticed a lot of asterisks and several lines colored in blue that I'm guessing is either a mistake or would need further explanation to explain why they're there.

Well, this is all I can think of for right now. Hopefully this was helpful to you and if I can think of anything else, I'll make sure to bring it to your attention.

Later and have a nice day.

Are you planning to direct this yourself? That's how it appears from the script, if that's not the case then there's quite a few things you'll need to remove from this.

As for the story, it was sort of built up as this big epic story but in reality was quite mundane. Guy and girl meet, go to a party, there's nearly a fight, the end. What is so amazing about that that has these kids hanging on to every word and in disbelief?

Some of the dialogue felt a bit off, like not how kids at that age would talk. Most of it was okay though.

Way too many unfilmables in here. You could probably trim 5 pages off this just by removing the passages where you tell us what is happening instead of showing us. 20 pages is quite long for this story where not a great deal happens.

Is there a reason the two of them were on the same bus? I assumed it was a schoolbus they were on but he is not in school anymore, right? Or was it not a school bus?

Not a big fan of your logline. Simply because we have no idea who these two people are yet so why should we care how they met? Logline should summarise the main plot of the story, however there's not a lot of action to choose from there either. I think you need more going on in your story, some plot points or conflict besides the fight that doesn't happen. At the moment everything is just too easy and straightforward. Good luck with it though.

Cheers,
Tim.