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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Incident at The Corner Bar Moderators: bert
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  Author    Incident at The Corner Bar  (currently 2471 views)
Don
Posted: October 1st, 2010, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Incident at The Corner Bar by Gary Rademan (grademan) - Short, Light Comedy - A teen insults a wedding party at a local bar. 12 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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screenrider
Posted: October 1st, 2010, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Ha-ha.   Pretty entertaining.     You must've had fun writing this one.

MIKE
(blurts out)
My friend needs help. He was clothes
lined by a clothes line!

Great line.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 1st, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Gary, why didn't you email me to let me know you were releasing this?

I enjoyed it, but still, it would have been nice to hear from you.  

EDIT: Wow, Kay I see the story. No problem. You still should have notified me and spared me this stupid post. When I opened the doc and saw the new names "plugged in" I just shook my head.

Gary!!! You should have called me or changed the Title!!! Gash!!   !!! Men!! How do you communicate with 'em!!!

I'll just send along the words as written anyways. Let it be a lesson to the younguns, right? Tee-hee.

***

When you emailed me last, you had asked me my opinion and I thought we should keep a lid on things until we establish more firm grounds.

As I've stated, I'm not interested in jumping the gun; rather, I'd like to work in a close connection with people on this. Sadly, the connection is "earthly".

What I mean by that is that people don't seem to want to share.

You in my mind are the person most dedicated to this project besides Michael, whose time is at a premium, I know. Still, I need to voice my disconcerted feelings here.

One individual writing and submitting on a collaborative project without notifying the others is in bad taste. And I even include-- yes, Dreamscale who dropped out and is a complete scurvy elephant with regards to flexibility I know.

Still again, I would include his name even if he dropped a bit of spit on a project by the mere fact that "At least it was HIS spit" and I appreciate his spit as much as yours.

In short, I felt positive about Incident at The Corner Bar; however, I don't think we should be posting work on the project without consulting each other.

Just feel sad that you didn't drop me a line saying, "Hey Sandra, I think I'm gonna post that IACB to get some feedback. You OK with that?"

And of course you know me. I'd say,

"No problem, Gary." And probably too, I'd say...

Maybe we should break it into three episdoes?

Yeah I know... I'd probably make you more work.

Anyways, what's it worth if you don't get the truth.

God bless Gary. At least you've stuck to it. More than I can say for the rest.

Luvya,

Sandra





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.

Revision History (1 edits)
Sandra Elstree.  -  October 1st, 2010, 11:17pm
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mcornetto
Posted: October 1st, 2010, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
Gary, why didn't you email me to let me know you were releasing this?

I enjoyed it, but still, it would have been nice to hear from you.  

EDIT: Wow, Kay I see the story. No problem. You still should have notified me and spared me this stupid post. When I opened the doc and saw the new names "plugged in" I just shook my head.

Gary!!! You should have called me or changed the Title!!! Gash!!   !!! Men!! How do you communicate with 'em!!!

I'll just send along the words as written anyways. Let it be a lesson to the younguns, right? Tee-hee.

***

When you emailed me last, you had asked me my opinion and I thought we should keep a lid on things until we establish more firm grounds.

As I've stated, I'm not interested in jumping the gun; rather, I'd like to work in a close connection with people on this. Sadly, the connection is "earthly".

What I mean by that is that people don't seem to want to share.

You in my mind are the person most dedicated to this project besides Michael, whose time is at a premium, I know. Still, I need to voice my disconcerted feelings here.

One individual writing and submitting on a collaborative project without notifying the others is in bad taste. And I even include-- yes, Dreamscale who dropped out and is a complete scurvy elephant with regards to flexibility I know.

Still again, I would include his name even if he dropped a bit of spit on a project by the mere fact that "At least it was HIS spit" and I appreciate his spit as much as yours.

In short, I felt positive about Incident at The Corner Bar; however, I don't think we should be posting work on the project without consulting each other.

Just feel sad that you didn't drop me a line saying, "Hey Sandra, I think I'm gonna post that IACB to get some feedback. You OK with that?"

And of course you know me. I'd say,

"No problem, Gary." And probably too, I'd say...

Maybe we should break it into three episdoes?

Yeah I know... I'd probably make you more work.

Anyways, what's it worth if you don't get the truth.

God bless Gary. At least you've stuck to it. More than I can say for the rest.

Luvya,

Sandra




Hunh?
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 1st, 2010, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from mcornetto


Hunh?


Michael,

This was originally written as part of a "Thief" script. Gary emailed me regarding it, and I said my opinion was we should " keep a  tap on things" for awhile. That we should compile a "bank" and put it in reserve, not releasing it all.

Incident at The Corner Bar originally was written with "Thief" characters.

After exploring the thread, I learned that Gary "plugged in" new names; so it works, but I didn't want to delete my original words because I spent time on them and felt hurt.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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grademan
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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Screenrider,

Glad you liked it. That line was pointed out as chuckler by an early reader. Yes, it was fun to write.

Gary
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grademan
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Sandra.

What can I say? Sorry. I should have done you the courtesy of telling you I changed my mind on posting it.

Gary
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Hello Gary,

Thanks for posting your script.
It is an entertaining read.
I was confused as to the actual timer period.
A specific time period would help what feels like a period piece.
Is there a reason this takes place in Wisconsin?
I didn't get a sense of a specific town, that might make this even better.
The "insult", not sure it would get that response, unless this is a period piece.
However, I went along with it because the rest of this is pretty cool.
The clothes line line is killer, puts a nice bow on everything.

Thanks for the read!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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grademan
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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ED,

Thnaks, glad you liked it.
Intuitive comment about the time period.
This was based on a 1970s incident.
The location was specific in an attempt to place the story.
I could have thrown in some Wisconsin references. The local team, etc.
Good comments.

Gary
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from grademan
Sandra.

What can I say? Sorry. I should have done you the courtesy of telling you I changed my mind on posting it.

Gary


No worries, Gary, but it's a really good exposition for people to learn from here on how many things in scripts can cross over and be completely the same. That is why professional readers who read scripts see so much of the same thing that they get used to tossing scripts to slush. Not because it's a bad script, but because it isn't fresh. Who knows what "fresh" is, right?

Anyways, I, like I had said before had enjoyed it and didn't see problems with it. It worked in terms of story and was good all around in my opinion.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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This seemed like a piece of a larger work.  A couple of guys like to screw around and, this time, they got caught.  It also seems like an early draft.  Things ran long and could be tightened.

The opening header:


Quoted Text
EXT. WEST ALLIS, WISCONSIN - GARTH STREET - NIGHT


is completely unnecessary.  This story could've taken place anywhere as there was no reason to mention city and state.  If you had said GARTH STREET - NIGHT, all of us would've imagined Garth Street in our hometowns which would've made us feel closer to this story.


Phil
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from dogglebe
This seemed like a piece of a larger work.  A couple of guys like to screw around and, this time, they got caught.  It also seems like an early draft.  Things ran long and could be tightened.

The opening header:



is completely unnecessary.  This story could've taken place anywhere as there was no reason to mention city and state.  If you had said GARTH STREET - NIGHT, all of us would've imagined Garth Street in our hometowns which would've made us feel closer to this story.

Phil


On behalf of Gary, thanks for the read. To be fair, this was originally written from the POV "inside the writer's head" of a larger piece and so that's why those things occurred and I understand.

I have a weakness of not paying enough attention to sluglines and in this version, payed NO attention to that because I had already read it "the old way". BUT...

It just goes to show you how important it is and I know in my studies how important it is to try and make "place" a character too. That's lots of fun!

When I read the script, I was reading with different names and "the same stuff Gary has in his head, is muchly in my head" and so we get that "too close to a project phenomenon" happening where it's clear to us, but not to others.

Anyways, just want to thank you for taking the time on the reads because I know how hard it is. But then, you might be one of those speed readers. Tee-hee.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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I don't see why the big chase over the yell. Maybe if the boys threw something inside they might get a chase. Even being drunk? I don't know. Maybe. I don't think 30-year-olds have THAT much testosterone. Could be wrong.

The set up, I think, was to crash the party.
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mcornetto
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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A cute little story - could have used a wee bit of editing though.  It does ring of being part of a bigger story, as Phil said.  And also, like Clorox said, it would make more sense if they were a bit younger.  

I think one of the reasons this feels so much like it's part of something bigger is that you spend very little time introducing us to the main characters.  In comparison you spend a lot of time introducing us to Nadine.

Good work though, your writing is improving.

Cheers.  
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grademan
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Phil, thanks for... yada, yada.

Yeah, this is one about some kids who got caught. Nicely simplifed. And very dull sounding. Ouch.

The opening slug does suck. Thanks for pointing that out. Also, the advice about it running long was good now that I look at it. Damn, I do look at these things very thoroughly but I ain't seeing the problems until pointed out.  


Gary
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