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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Hoodie - OWC
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  Author    Hoodie - OWC  (currently 4779 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2010, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hoodie by Christopher Bohlsen (kurisuborosen) - Short, Horror - Tom and Jenny hear a knock at the door one night.  Outside is a man waring a hoodie. - pdf, format


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greg
Posted: October 15th, 2010, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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First one.

Chris,

Pretty basic story here.  You adhered to the guidelines minus the rundown, abandoned house, but really there's nothing that stood out to me.  Granted, it's a scary situation you've outlined here, but I would have liked to see a lot more in terms of build-up and execution.  

So, a job done.

Greg


Be excellent to each other

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greg  -  October 16th, 2010, 12:19am
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Baltis.
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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Meh... I can sense the vibe you were going for but feel the mark was missed.  Understandably too, though.  7 days isn't much to write a script and have it cohesively work.  I like the idea, although not exactly ground breaking, but it just wasn't executed like it could be.  

I'm not saying you didn't revise this but it doesn't seem as if you did.  It seems you got the story down and let it leave your hands.  I think with 4 more pages this could be really effective and fillable.  As it is, it just kind of feels rushed.  I also don't think you hit the challenge of "dilapidated" house.  These folks were living in it.  

Again, spooky set up -- The hoodie thing was genuinely creepy, but it became too by the book, as stated above me.  Nice attempt, though.  Please rewrite it, add to it and see where it takes the story.

2nd OWC script down.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 12:15am Report to Moderator
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Chris,

I remember Don saying this was the fastest entry ever.  And I'm afraid it shows.  Multiple typos, including one in your logline.  What exactly was the rush to get this in so fast?  Did you not think the story could use some fleshing out?  The story, as Greg accurately stated, is "basic."  Guy in hoodie shows up out of nowhere.  No explanation.  Is he a ghost?  Maybe, because sometimes he's in the mirror, sometimes not.  We don't know.  But, does the wife really not know that she's been stabbed?

Sorry to say, but there's really not much to go on here.  No set up, no payoff and very little in between.  Next time, I strongly suggest you take your time and give your story some chance to develop.
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Murphy
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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I can only echo what others have already said here. On the plus side it was a very quick read.

Areas this did not work as well as is could of for me are certainly the dialogue, It was not very natural and far too on the nose.

Why did he have to explain to her he was in a wheelchair? She already knew that, I hope! and so did we.
Him trying to convince her she had not been attacked seemed unreal to me too, he would have been concerned surely?

I can see what you were trying to achieve, take a story that has been overdone,, the French film "Ils" spring to mind, along with "The Others". But then twist it into something more supernatural. Good idea, but you really should have tried a bit harder. In the end you have pretty much ruined what could have been developed into an interesting story buy not trying very hard.

A bit dissapointing to be honest.

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 2:00am Report to Moderator
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Chris,

Congrats for completing the challenge.
That being said, I had a hard time getting into your story.
The introduction of the hoodie held promise, but didn't pay off for me.
It seems there's a lot of British idioms here, perhaps its just me.
On the nose dialogue throughout and murky action description made this hard to follow.
Does the wife not know she's been stabbed?
This feels like a quick first draft that needs revision.
Thanks for posting it all the same.

Regards,
E.D.


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mcornetto
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 2:09am Report to Moderator
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Wasn't there a six page minimum?  This is only 5 pages here.  

While I think this idea could work, and has worked, The Strangers among many other films springs to mind.  I think this really suffered from how short it was.    I had a lot of issues with some of the dialogue, it just didn't have verve.  And in something this short you really need verve.  

Also there was no way that it was believable that she was stabbed in the leg and didn't know.  Being stabbed hurts like a son of a bitch - unless you already have enough nerve damage to prevent the pain, in which case you wouldn't be walking - or if you've been anesthetized, in which case you wouldn't be walking.

I'm going to have to say that this really needs a bit more work but congrats on getting it in so quickly.  
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TheBoyWonder
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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Honestly, I think you should've put a little more time into this. I'm not going to talk about the script restrictions you went against, because frankly I don't care if you broke every single rule given. I would mainly like to talk about the story. The story lacks suspense because there wasn't enough build-up. There was a lack of emotional connection to the story because it lacked suspense. It felt too quick and painless. Sharpen the knife of this story a little and slowly slice. Apprehension to finish your script fast is obvious. Take some time with it, you definitely have the space to pull it off.

-Trent
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Violent Josh
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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Boy, I hate to pile on, but it was OK at best.

I liked the set-up, but I think it could have been executed better. It seems like the wheelchair was only there because it had to be.

Polish and trim that dialogue a bit, spend a bit more time on it, and you have yourself a solid story.


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c m hall
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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I read this as the opening scenes of a good story -- all of the elements you present are interesting, could be developed into a longer work.
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screenrider
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Chrsitopher, there's not much more I can add that hasn't already been said.   But I give you an A+ for speedwriting.  You wrote this in like what? -- 45 minutes?   Congrats on that.  
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dogglebe
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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I can't say I liked this one, Chris.  It wasn't a complete story.  In fact, it read like an incomplete scene.  Or a teaser to a completed script.

I generally don't like scripts where a mysteriously character can do the things that your hoodie character does.  I'm not even sure what the hell he was.

Characterization and dialog seemed very bare with not much going for it.

Is this going to be part of a bigger piece?


Phil
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Trojan
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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I'm reluctant to congratulate you on completing this story so quickly, as I wouldn't want to encourage you to go that route again. There's no prizes for being the first to finish and I think your work suffers here as a result.

Few typos and mistakes going on here, nothing too major though. The premise is okay I guess but you don't go into any depth with the story or characters so this just feels very cliche and shallow.

I think when you first describe the Hoodie, you should indicate that there is a man outside wearing a hoodie. The way it reads at the moment, it sounds like there is just a piece of clothing out the front of their house,

Who is this guy, or thing, and why is he doing this? It's just too random at the moment. And as Cornetto pointed out, this is a page short of meeting the minimum requirements. I'm sure you could do better if you spent more time on it,

Cheers,
Tim.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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My thoughts:

If you look through that old thread monster regarding the OWC, in between the mish-mash you'll see the following mentioned and debated:

- Folks (like myself) commenting/confessing to re-writing, catching some errors/revising well before the deadline.

- Discussion/debate of the guidelines set by the OWC.

This entry reads like it was cooked up ten minutes before closing time. It feels rushed. The errors show.  I'm not a big fan of the use abbreviations in description  ("Steak and veg") and the misspelling of lightning in CAPS stand out all the more.

I also felt that that's One Big Hoodie. The Hoodie might as well have a ski mask or potato sack. Consider: it's dark outside. There's a thunderstorm. Streaks of lightning across the night sky. Someone is outside and we can see that someone a distance away. His hoodie covers his head. The darkness and shadows from the lightning and/or available light would obscure his face. The hoodie alone would not do that. Also pay attention to your blood spills. Blood that "drips" does not become a 'pool' seconds later. You want a pool in that short span, much less a puddle, it's got to gush out.  And Jenny would know she was cut.  

There's something else too. I noted Jenny runs back io the dining room. When she enters, she runs in the room. Choose the latter, for it's a given.

With some cleaning up, this would make a nice little setup for a longer short or script. It's got that teaser flavor to it.

-DJS



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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  October 16th, 2010, 11:39am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Well, first of all, I'm very happy I'm not first to comment on this.  I am going to make a point not to be the first one to trash a script.  Thank God, 12 have already  beat me to it.

Chris, I was literally shocked when Don said you had already posted your script the first night.  I thought to myself, how and why would anyone do that already?  Now that I've read it, the how is quite clear, but I don't have an answer for the why.

Sorry to say, but this is really poor in literally every regard.  No story.  Poorly written.  Poor grammar.  Lots of mistakes and typos.  Terrible dialogue.  Poor action.  Unintentionally funny things.  And to top it all off, it actually does not meet the challenge in 2 very important regards - it doesn't meet the minimum page count, and it's not set in or around an abandoned house.

As others have already said, don't jump the gun and act like you're in a race.  No reason for that at all.  Take your time.  Edit your work.  Think about what you're writing.  Your work will be much better off.

Congrats for competing in this OWC.
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