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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Tomorrow II: Dusklight - OWC
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  Author    Tomorrow II: Dusklight - OWC  (currently 3865 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2010, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tomorrow II: Dusklight by R. E. McManus (rendevous) - Short, Horror - Hugh's back. Sore. Goes home. To a dump with an auld man in it. It ain't gonna be pretty. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Don  -  October 15th, 2010, 10:59pm
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Murphy
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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This is a decent script, nicely written, especially the first few pages. I liked how you created some questions early on, I found myself wanting to read on just to find out what was going on. It was funny, the dialogue was nice, well at least it felt natural for the most part and appeared to have some subtext.

My only real problem with it is that I am not really sure I know what was going on, It seems be that this could be interpreted in a few different ways. I could well have missed something so will be interesting to see other comments and then come back to read it again.

Who was Lizzy?

Despite this it was a solid effort for my first OWC read, again, very nicely written.

Nice One.
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rendevous
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:53am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Murph,

I'm got a screenplay to read then I'm gonna read the other OWC scripts this weekend. About time I read and reviewed, rather than just wrote and cracked jokes. Note: I didn't say my jokes were any good. Of course not, they are hilarious.

Ever since I came to Eire as a little kid someone else dies. It's nearly always old age. This time it was Lizzy. In 1987 we came to Ireland three times. Each time a Lizzy I didn't personally know had died. Each time we had to go the funeral. Great way to spend a holiday, at funerals. Who do they think I am, Morrissey?

When we returned the next year I asked everyone "Is Lizzy dead again?". It didn't go down to well. Ho hum. Sorry, in joke. But now you know.

I'd like to think you don't know what's going on when you first watched Momento either. I didn't. There's many ways it could be viewed. That's my excuse. I'm sticking to it.

Take it you've entered, M. If so I'll be reading yours in return this weekend.

Now, I must go and visit Lizzy's grave. But which one?

R ox





Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Baltis.
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:58am Report to Moderator
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Reading it now... Will comment after finished.  I kept seeing II and passing it up because I didn't think it was an OWC script.  Definitely be back with thoughts... I read the 1st one, by the way and really loved it.  It was very short, but very good.

Be back with thoughts in this spot soon --

Alright, so... strange... It's written with a sharp, fluid, grasp.  And it largely meets the challenge, but as Murphy above me had said I don't really know what's going on at any given time.  I failed to comment on the 1st entry, which used Hugh as well, but it's such a moving piece that this kind of diminishes that.  Never canceling each-other out to be sure.

I gather the story in the fragments you've given and you're very clever in how you conduct yourself here and in your work.  Be assured in that.  I'm gonna definitely going to have to read it again... Maybe two more times.  Easily, out of the 6 I've read, the most bizarre.

6 scripts down.

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Don  -  October 16th, 2010, 2:26am
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mcornetto
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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I didn't read the first one of these so I'm commenting blindly.

I thought the dialogue was excellent but you always do good dialogue R.   There wasn't much of a story here though, more of a slice of life, but that again is very like the previous works of yours that I've read.

What I didn't like about this was the staccato action.  Some of it is ok.  And more of it is ok if heavy action is happening but I don't think it was really all that appropriate for what you had going on in the script and sometimes it was distracting.  

Also, if you are going to have a dog as a character, please introduce it. I don't know how long it took me to get past the paragraph where the dog first came into play but it took me much longer than it should have.

You do the same with the cat but you treat it more like a prop in the story so I didn't mind as much.  Whereas the dog is a character and it should be introduced.  

Anyway, I'll give you an excellent on dialogue but I think this needs more of story and less staccato action for it to be a really effective screenplay.
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stebrown
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 4:50am Report to Moderator
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Ren, I really liked the banter between Phil and Hugh. Very natural and funny. It's clear that they've known each other for a very long time.

The descriptions were a little bit too much for me. You write them well but I just think you put too many details in. Each to their own though, as they say.

Not too sure what the premise was here. Didn't really seem to be horror for me.

Fun read though.

Ste


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stevie
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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Hi RV. I read this and honestly don't any idea what it was meant to be!

It wasn't horror at all so didn't meet the criteria, and the house wasn't really abandoned or rundown - well, maybe a little.

The whoel Irish feel was charming I guess but it doesn't have anything to do with the challenge.

Cheers stevie


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rendevous
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 5:57am Report to Moderator
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I'll get back t you individually here.

First things last so...

Stevie. It's obvious you're a block. An Australian one too. From your post I can see empathy with the lasses is not a strong point.

Poor old Matilda. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. You may not think it horror, but she does. She's from the city. She's with a man who she trusts. He brings her on holiday, to an auld house in the middle of nowhere.

Whatever my script is, romantic comedy it certainly ain't. And the night was stormy, for Matilda at least. Every bloody night is stormy in rural Ireland. And it's always raining.

I beg your pardon, it was abandoned once. All country houses are. They used to close the door behind them and head to your place or The US or The UK. So there. You macho dingo you. Sorry, Ringo. Love ya. Read again. With I Am The Walrus on.

L&P

R ox


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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stevie
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 6:42am Report to Moderator
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Hi RV. I'll give it another read tomorrow (Sunday), when my brain isn't mush. It's been a hard day's night at the supermarket, fronm 11am till 7 pm, after working 8 till midnight last night - not that i'm whinging or anything!!!

By the way, what is your fave Lennon Beatle song/ Or fave Beatle song per se?

See u round like a rissole...


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Violent Josh
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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I liked it, Ren. It did seem like a slice of life more than a horror short, but I never read the first Tomorrow (is there one?) so that could be it.

While the accents were a bit tough to read at first, I got used to it quickly.

The relationship between Hugh and Phil was excellent, as well as their parting conversation.

Overall, it seemed like a small part of a longer saga (it could be, for all I know), but I enjoyed this part of it.


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screenrider
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 8:53am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure what happened.  But I think Phil slipped Matilta a roofie or gassed her so he could have his way with her.  Hugh provides Phil with ladies.  I dunno.   Tomorrow was brilliant -- this one not so brilliant.  Lucy, joo got some esplainin' to do.


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Don  -  October 16th, 2010, 4:33pm
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rendevous
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Murphy
This is a decent script, nicely written, especially the first few pages. I liked how you created some questions early on, I found myself wanting to read on just to find out what was going on. It was funny, the dialogue was nice, well at least it felt natural for the most part and appeared to have some subtext.

My only real problem with it is that I am not really sure I know what was going on, It seems be that this could be interpreted in a few different ways...

...Despite this it was a solid effort for my first OWC read, again, very nicely written.

Nice One.


Indeed it could Murph, such was my aim. I've always hated writing straightforward scripts. Seeing as my favourite films at the mo still are 2001, Memento, Following, Moon and Solaris.

Don't get me wrong I love Coen's Miller's Crossing and The Big Dude Lebowski.

But this script is horror. Just depends on your point of view. Right, I have life in the way again. If I read others today I'll just not do it properly as my mind is elsewhere. Tomorrow (ahem) I intend to read all properly with a clear objective mind.

For those who care there is a Tomorrow I starring Hugh here.

Many thanks, M. Look forward to reading yours.

I'll respond to the others in a few hours. Have you ever lived in a house where nothing seems to be where you left it? At least there's not an auld weirdo in a wheelchair rolling about. Still, the day is young, and the night is yet to start.

R ox


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Trojan
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Didn't understand what your first scene header meant, guessing it's some place in Ireland. Still, everything that came after EXT. was lost on me.

Dialogue was good at capturing that region I felt. Not too sure what was happening in the story though after she hit her head. How did she end up in Phil's bed? Kinda ambiguous overall but I guess that's how you like it. Wouldn't classify it as horror though. Was there a dark and stormy night anywhere in here?

Few minor typos and mistakes, you first introudce her as MATILTA in case you hadn't already spotted it. Well done on completing the challenge.

Cheers,
Tim.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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I felt very confused after reading this.  I really don't know what was going on, and I don't think it was a horror-genred script.

The characters of this piece were the strong suits.  Phil and Hugh were very well developed, much more than Matilda.  Dialog flowed very nicely.  You're good with banter.


Phil
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grademan
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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RV,

I liked itÖ right up until the end. I enjoyed the dialogue, the characters, and wondered what I missed in Part I.  The ending didnít make much sense to me. I think I need some of that stuff Phil was drinking.

More of a mystery really.

Gary
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