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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Chastity - OWC
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  Author    Chastity - OWC  (currently 1867 views)
Don
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Chastity by Trent Carroll (theboywonder) - Short, Horror - A young man, Johnny, falls under the spell of the beautiful Chastity, only to be swept into a dark world of torturous love. - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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My only problem with this script is that it's a little wordy and clunky.  After the OWC, do a rewrite and resubmit it.


SPOILERS AHEAD!

Your story is original.  I'm guessing Chastity is a succubus, or something along those lines.  Her character flowed smoothly, as did Johnny's and Peter's.  Your descriptions of everything was good (though a rewrite would only improve it).

Good job!


Phil
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screenrider
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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Trent,

Great job.  This was creepy.  Intelligently written.   Kind of had a Jennifer's Body thing going on.  Your descriptions were definitely thick, but that can be fixed.   You might wanna turn this into a full-length feature.
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Baltis.
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Man, this seems a lot like Jennifer at times.  And not Jennifers body either.  I'm talking Webber's "Jennifer".  

You missed your FADE IN: -- Be it left or right side, whatever.  And we never get brought back into the script from black.  This, however, is a technical and can be fixed within seconds.  Don't sweat it.

As I said, though, this seems so familiar to the source material at times.  Sure Jennifer was a mutant-mallet-faced whore, but still... I can't help but see the lines blur between the two.  Maybe not???

Anyways, I thought the P.O.V. read clunky and this was all at the start of the script.  It gets better, but then we're smashed in the face with "CONTINUOUS" which I'm not a fan of.  Phil does this in his scripts too, and it works.  But it's certainly not something you wanna toss out in debate over losing a CUT TO: or not needing one.  

The debate there goes something like this --

CUT TO:  

We do't need that.  We're smart enough to know the movie goes on as long as there is no FADE OUT: and THE END coming up on the page.  

CONTINUOUS

Read the above... As I said, though, that is more technical stuff that doesn't really matter.  The story is what matters most and you do have one here.  It's just that I think it's familiar.  Let's say this; familiar with a twist.
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TheBoyWonder
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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First I would like to take the time out to thank everybody who has read and commented on my script thus far. This is my first OWC and my first attempt at screenwriting (which, come to think of it, was not the smartest way to try screenwriting, being how hard this OWC was). So anything said is very much appreciated.

dogglebe/screenrider-Wordiness tends to be an inevitable fault of mine. I know I have to cut it down a bit. I hope I'll get the hang of it soon.

Baltis-Technical stuff is just something I'm going to have to learn. You have no idea how long I pondered whether or not to put the FADE IN: into the script. I couldn't find a script to reference with the OVER BLACK: heading so I just had to take a guess. I also remember reading something about the CUT TO: and CONTINUOUS debate. It was probably just a dumb beginner's mistake to use the amount of CONTINUOUS headings as I did. The P.O.V. may get clunky, which is what I was worried about, but I know it's necessary for the visual aspects of this script. I guess I'll have to find a way to fix that. Also, I don't know what you're referring to when you mentioned Webber's "Jennifer", so any similarities between the two is entirely coincidental.

-Trent
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Trent,

Congrats on completing your first script and the OWC!
Talk about a baptism by fire for a first attempt.
I like your characters and dialogue, they read very well.
You are one of the few to have multiple scenes playing out at the same time.
You'd be surprised at how many of the OWC scripts do not have that quality.
I think it helps keep the pace moving along.

Your action description and grasp of technical style need work.
At times its outright verbose and read like a novel.
You probably could cut out a page of technical fat here with no problem.
But good news! Those things are easily learned. You have the tough part nailed.
You are a good storyteller with a sense for dialogue and pacing.
Thanks for the post, I look forward to reading more of your material.

Regards,
E.D.


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khamanna
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the intercut thing and got right away that it all happens simultaneously.
It was a fun read, the pacing and the flow were just right. Suspenseful too.

On page 6 you have "Chastity moves out of the way and motions for Johnny to open the door. Immediately upon turning the doorknob, Johnny opens it."
-- and there are many instances like this I think. Instead of "immediately upon turning the doorknob" - why not just "He does".

The idea of it is a good one too.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Trent, congrats on completing an OWC script, and welcome to SS!

This is your first attempt at a screenplay, huh?  Very, very impressive.  Job well done!

There are numerous mistakes/issues/problems throughout, but at the core, this is very good, and even very well written for the most part.

I’ll throw out a few things that will hopefully help, but first, let’s look at the challenge itself, which I think you missed, but I guess the rules can and have been taken rather loosely by many.

Although Johnny says he thought the mansion was abandoned, it’s obviously not, so I’d say that’s a problem.  You’ve got the horror part down pat, as well as the 3 actors (characters), although you only give an age for Johnny (more on that later).  You also missed on the dark and stormy night part, IMO, cause the majority of your script takes place during the afternoon, late afternoon, and early evening…but that’s an easy fix.

First off, I do agree with Balt that this plays like the Masters of Horror segment, titled Jennifer.  Don’t worry, it’s unique in many ways, but it does have that feel.

OK, as I said, your writing is actually quite good for the most part, but it is very novelistic, in that it’s over written, with too many unnecessary details and too much black on the page.  The “too much black on the page” thing is an interesting topic, actually.  Basically, what I’m saying is that the way it’s written, it’s a tough, “long” read.  Scripts, unlike novels, usually have short passages, frequently broken up by a blank line.  IMO, you never want to go over 4 lines (you did only once), but also, you don’t want to continually be at 3 and 4 lines in your passages (paragraphs).

Like others said, your use of P.O.V. is unnecessary…and is usually unnecessary, as it’s really just another way to play director.  IMO, P.O.V.’s should only be used when they offer an alternate view that is important to the script. Like a creature’s P.O.V. as it hunts its prey, etc.  These P.O.V.’s you’ve used don’t add anything at all and they take up space you could use more effectively.

Watch out for orphans.  It’s no big deal, but when you’re working under a page restriction, they’re just a complete waste of a line, and they’re usually pretty easy to do away with.
I usually talk about punctuation, and I’ll just throw out that there are a number of punctuation errors here, but compared to most scripts, this is pretty clean.  Personally, I don’t think scripts should ever utilize semi colons.

Balt brought up the use of “CONTINUOUS” in your Slugs.  Personally, I have absolutely no problem with them, as long as they’re used correctly.  I’m not sure if these are all correct or not, but, they appear to be on first glance.  When you’re playing with different scenes running along each other in somewhat real time, IMO, “CONTINUOUS” actually works best, so we know that these things are taking place at the same time.  You can also use “MOMENTS LATER”, “LATER”, etc. when a little time passes.

OK, last thing…the ages of your characters.  You didn’t give us an age for Peter or Jennifer…I mean Chastity.  IMO, it’s very important to always give ages, so we can get a visual picture in our heads of what the characters look like.  Johnny is 19, which I’m not sure I buy, unless the others are similar ages.  IMO, it would make more sense if these characters were a bit older, and had a reason to be at the old mansion.

Anyway, good job here for both the challenge and your first script.  Read more scripts and keep writing.  You’ve got a great talent base to begin with.  Take care.
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RayW
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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1 - Story: Fairly good. The supernatural elements, when presented, have more of a shock value than cultivating an ongoing sense of dread. We know something's up, just not "what", other than "it's baaaad!"
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easy to make on a modest budget. A little bit of CGI in there.
3 - Horror & Audience: A horny ghost story first! Probably can get away with a PG-13, as is. But to really draw in the audience (especially for DVD sales), due to the subject matter, kick it up to a full R rating and get some full blown nudity and gore going on. All the criteria other than the "Dark and Stormy Night" theme were adhered to. The wheelchair bound male was... pretty weakly established.
4 - Technicals & Format: Pretty good. Dialog's a little stiff or static. I see you're thinking like a director (GUILTY MYSELF!) so you gotta knock all that out (NOT MY VISIONS! NO... !!!) and pare down the "extent of descriptiveness" which will thin out some of the "eye-ball constipating block" that grieves so many readers.
5 - Title & Logline: Of course. What else would it be titled?   Logline reads like something I'd read then put the DVD right back down. I know the story, now. So you gotta make it... more suggestive. Make the story explicit and the logline suggestive. Not the other way around. Ha!
General Comments:
A -
The sunbathing-to-house sequence needs to be shortened as well as all the Peter elements. Establish whassup with Pete's legs.
B - Get that girl in a wet t-shirt, d@mmit! And don't let a sexy, shivering young woman in a wet t-shirt just standing in front of a 19yo boy goto waste!
C - Figure out a more shocking way for Peter's spectral entity to be released from his body than "The darkness progresses over his entire body. When it disappears, his whole body bleeds profusely." Have that bugger instantly mummify, turn to dust or something. Watch Lifeforce. (G! D! Wattababe.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqNquDlAanE
D - And to really make it creepy, rather than have the males trying to get away from her, despite knowing what she truly is - have them still want her. Insatiably. Opening scene could be Pete mesmerized & consumed by the luscious Chastity rutting on top of him, his color and youth sapping away. In the mirror a wretched & rancid corpse rides Pete like a horse, inhaling his spectral spirit. "Give it... Give it to me, Pe-terrr... Give me... everyyythinnnng... "



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