Honest Fear by Chad Murtaugh (yosemitesam) - Short, Horror - Sometimes people are just crazy, and they do bad things as a result.  - pdf, format

The first entry of this OWC which, although a certain word was not 'fully' said, it came really close. (I would have stopped at "Happy") . Now, all that outof the way, I think this is one of the better efforts. I would have like more of the Insane Killer Machete Clown, but for what it is it works just fine.

Quoted Text A slimy tongue licks the milk from his gnarled lips.

Keep this line at all costs, should you expand and/or rewrite the script.
A job well done. Horror is home.

Liked this a lot. I'm feeling it.

Hi Chad. This was a pretty good effort. Heaps of atmosphere and a slow build up.
You had some nice descriptions in there, thogh the action lines when Laura was getting out seemed to go on a bit.

You met all the challenge criteria so well done

stevie

This would make a creepy little short film.   Although, personally, I would've loved to see Laura get away.

Great job.

Hey Darren. Thanks for the read man. Im pretty new to this game so the kind words are nice to hear. I know I have a lot of improving yet to do. Truth is, this may very well be the first story I have actually completed all the way through.

Stevie I totally agree with you about the action lines. Thanks for reading!

screenrider unfortunately there are no happy endings in my horror world.
hahaha

It's very well written, I think.

The end - it's almost like there's no end. I kind of waited Chad and his new girlfriend (I know there's no other girl in this script) laugh at Laura at the end.

The man came out of nowhere and there's no explanation for him. I know many like this type of stories - I went to a store, met a slasher on the way and got killed... but I like everything foreshadowed, with a backstory... - so this is not for me.

Few notes (in high hopes someone leaves notes for mine too):
p2 "BOOM! Thunder shakes the glass in the windows" - could be simply "shakes the windows"
p4 - Laura swears here and there, which is fine but for some reason I think you could cut some of it. I don't know some of the reactions are a bit off.
p5 "Footsteps start coming up the stairs" - it might be correct but I don't know how that can be.

A bit action heavy. But very well written, I think.

Chad,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge!
You have a classic plot here that is pretty well executed.
I felt the action towards the end was a bit clumsy.
I also had trouble believing Laura would leave someone she loves so quickly.
I didn't understand why Laura was there, did she track Chad with a GPS?
Hmm, seems to be more story here and you were under the ten page limit.
All in all, a relatively clean read and good on you for finishing your first script!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Chad, congrats on completing a serious entry for this OWC.  All in all, it works for what it is, and you delivered what you most likely set out to do.

There are numerous issues, but they don't take away too much from the read.

Shocking amount of orphans.  Very blah action writing style (he does this, she does that, blah,. blah, blah).  Things got confusing near the end, in the house, because you missed numerous Slugs, when Laura went into different rooms in the house.

But overall, it was effective. I like how you used so little dialogue and left things up for each to ponder in the end.

Good effort!!

This was written really well, especially the action. You know how to build suspense and tension. I was on the edge of my seat.

Laura is a very strong and unique character. Tough girl. Wish we have more of these types of characters on the screen.

Now the problem. Why? Why? Why? There's no reason for the Man to kill Chad. Even for the blurp Laura uttered on her phone, it still didn't enlighten us. You have to give us a reason for all of these or else it'll feel shallow.

I still liked this, but the ending is just okay. I guess you didn't know how to end it?


Herman

khamanna--thanks for the read man. I appreciate your feedback. I agree with you that Laura swears too much. I realized this upon reading it a second time. Then I realized that I swear a lot and that if I were in her particular situation I would probably swear more..haha But I should probably tone it down. Thanks again.

E.D.- I agree that the ending is rushed and clumsy. She did in fact track him with the gps. I probably could have made that clearer. Thanks for reading my script.

Mr. Dreamscale- not gonna lie, I was a little worried about you reading my script. Many times I have gotten a good laugh from reading some of your posts. I appreciate the feedback that you gave me. The issue with the slugs is something that I have struggled with and I am glad that you brought that up. I was torn about using more and now it seems that I should have. The he does this and she does this crap is something else that I have struggled with. I try to mix it up. Gotta try harder I s'pose. Anywho, thanks again.

Herman--yeah I agree that the reason for killing Chad was weak. I sorta let on by the shrine, but I definitely did not go into great detail on the matter. I guess I always felt like the guy was just nuts. I didn't want him to have any dialog(sort of an homage e.g. jason, michael myers) so I found it hard to come up with backstory. Thanks again for the feedback. Much appreciated.

Chad,

This one was lackluster for me.  A lot of the entries I've read feature someone creeping around corners, tripping on steps, and running through abandoned houses for an unnecessary amount of time given the page count.  I think more time could be spent on either some back story or specifically on the guy with the machete.  Running through abandoned houses gets kind of boring after a while.  The thing is - this had some really good imagery and I kept thinking something more would happen but it never did.  So in that sense you've got a foundation for something here, but there's gotta be more stuff going on.  And why did Laura go to Chad's car instead of hers?

So I know most of this isn't very favorable, but overall this wasn't bad.  Good established atmosphere albeit a little too much description at times and you met the criteria fine.  So good job.

Greg

Y/C,

Wasn't that impressed with the title choice. But there's a lot worse about. Log line was quite good. If you lost the 'and'.

Great start. Very effective indeed.

Maybe it's me (usually is) but I really do dislike exclamation marks. Don't get me wrong, I use them, but sparingly. Er, so do you. Think it was the Creak one.

This is very well written. Powerful imagery and pacing. Almost as good as one of mine. Ahem.

Hardly anything to fault that I could see. Impressive work. Well done. Keep it up.

R xo

Greg-- Thanks for taking the time to read my script.  I agree about the lack of backstory. I wrote it as a bad situation that you just happen to walk into. You know, bad sh#t happens sometimes.
I figured I would send Laura to Chad's car b/c it was parked close to the house, and also I thought it might help the reader see the seriousness of their relationship by showing she has a key to his car. Also her car was parked at the end of the driveway as to not be seen when she drove up. Too far to drag herself. Anyway, can't win em all. Thanks again.

Rendevous--The title was one of the hardest parts for me. I honestly don't like it either. I was feeling the time crunch and chose something quick so I could go barbecue and drink with my friends. I appreciate that you don't like it either. Thanks for the read.

1 - Story: Very intense. Good, brief as it is. Nothing unique or special.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily with minimal budget for what we've been shown.
3 - Horror & Audience: Psycho brute horror. PG-13 for this sequence, likely R for an entire feature. Of course, there are many established genre competitors to this. This would have to be marketed towards the new crop of post-teenies as horror veterans would likely rubber stamp it with "Been there. Done that". Challenge criteria met well, although this is a sequence, not a complete story, we're dropped into, (a non-buttoned-up situation I'm fine with).
4 - Technicals & Format: Largely fine.
5 - Title & Logline: Title is great for a feature. A little ambiguous for the sequence shown. Logline is more of a tag line on a poster. It doesn't really communicate the special part of the possible story.
General Comments:
A - In "Condemned" I was beaned for "BONK! BONK! BONK!" elbowing across the wooden floor. So, I'm going to take a leap of faith and give you the headzup on "THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!" going down the steps in the wheelchair. I don't see what the big whup is, but my palette is crude. I eat raw flesh and dirty carrots straight from the ground, it seems.
B - "She pauses at the bottom of the staircase and looks up at the darkness."
Watch your "and"s (concurrent) when you really want "then"s (consecutive).
I ask myself if I should interchange "while" whenever I find myself wanting to use "and".
C - This will make a nice proof of concept trailer for a feature film. Pretty easy to do with some actors, props and abandoned house.