Gone by Martin Cox (Chelsea) - Short, Drama - Sometimes losing the man in your life can be really tough. 2 pages - pdf, format

Martin,

Was this done in a hurry? You didn't cap your last name on the title page and the last word in your story is spelled wrong with a few typos in between.

Although this story may have great resonance with you, it didn't connect with me because I couldn't figure out what was going on. Two woman missing one of their husbands who is just gone? Clarity is essential.

I did read it twice and think it would make a great intro for a longer story, say five or  ten pages -- with a little clean-up.

I wrote a 2 pager recently "A Woman Watches" and learned a lot from the feedback.

Shorter is usually harder cause every word counts,

Gary

This reads like a women's lib movement...  There isn't enough content or backing for me to fully invest any emotion eitherway, though.  I dunno, it comes off like a commercial you'd see on Oxygen or Soapnet.  

But I admit, men are bastards... DOWN WITH MEN!!!      

Martin,

Last line mishap, Should be "too" as in also. Read it twice, still don't get "it". Well written, Dialogue is good. I just don't. Sorry.

James

Quoted from Baltis. But I admit, men are bastards... DOWN WITH MEN!!!

They are!  That's why I only have sex with women.

This script was part of a scene.  It wasn't even a full scene.  You're going to have to do more with it.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe They are!  That's why I only have sex with women. Phil

  -- Unheard of!  The gay community should put an end to that right now.  Hell, if they can make Ron Howard question a single line in a movie they can surely put a stop to hederosexual sex.  Call Ellen and Oprah... Michelle Obama too.

Hey guys.

Thanks for your reads and yes it was done in a hurry (been working on my first feature).

One point I have to clarify is that Sophie is not grieving for an errant husband, but her deceased Father.

Dunno if that helps or not, but still, thanks for your comments.

Best.

Martin.

I did catch at the end that it was about her father. Maybe just a slight change of dialogue towards the end to lean towards it more. I got that you were trying to make it a "twist" of sorts, creating an "ohhhhhhh" moment. But the way it comes out is mor elike a comment out of left field as opposed to a reveal. Overall, not bad. Formatting was good.

PS At first, I was beginning to think Eva was sleeping with Sophie's husband.

I caught that, Martin.  The problem is that I didn't care.  The script was too short to give us any attachment to the characters.


Phil

Hey BurntSushi.

Thanks for that I did put that one in there purposely.

As Phil says, a bit too short but as I said earlier I've been working on my first feature (that's my lame excuse!)

Hope you like it.

Best Martin.

Martin,

I give you ten out of ten for gut's. Pulling off a 2 pager, is beyond many of the most experienced writers here. Was it good? No. Anything this short needs to carry a powerful message and this didn't. To be totally honest, I'm not even exactly sure what you were going for.

All the same...

Good luck with the feature.

Malcolm.

Thanks for the read and comments.

I like to test myself, push my own envelope, and with this I attempted (operative word being 'attempted') to capture some emotion, send the reader in the wrong direction and end up with a twist in the shortest amount of lines.

I know I can do better but I still had fun with it.

Thanks.

Martin.

Hey, Martin.

Or Chelsea.

:-)

I don't know what exactly to think about this one.  I'm kind of on the fence about it.  On one hand, I liked it.  But on the other, I didn't.  I liked how it ended up being not what I thought they were talking about, but, then again, I didn't really like how you got there.  I think a lot of elements are missing to make this story as dynamic as you were going for.

- Mark

Hey Martin, sorry to follow the pack here, but I agree with everything already said.

It's too short and cryptic to draw anyone in, IMO.  The twist isn't handled properly, even, as it's not crystal clear.  You've got characters referenced that we never meet and have no clue who they are.

Biggest issue for me, though, was the lack of correct punctuation (commas), that really made me stop numerous times to understand what I just read.  People think omitting commas is no big deal, and often, it's not. But there are times when a missing comma completely changes the way a line reads, causing the reader to pause or stop to figure it out.  This shouldn't happen.

Didn't work for me in any way.  Feels very rushed and throw together.  Oh well.  Interesting effort.

Take care.

I got that Eva is bitter since her dad left and she lashes out on her friends life by secretly helping her husband (or kind of directing him toward leaving them). Is that right? I got it on the second read.

I thought it was not bad, but could be more on the page.

Otherwise well written and good pacing. The tone is consistent.