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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Banished Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 2nd, 2010, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Banished by Drew Deighan - Drama - After committing a crime, a Native American boy is sentenced by the court to his tribe's traditional punishment: banishment. He is sentenced to live alone on an island for a year. Once on the island, he learns he is not alone and may be on the island with a killer. 102 pages - doc, format


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conwall
Posted: November 15th, 2010, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Wow.

Read the whole thing for you.  

I liked it a lot.  Easily one of the better scripts I've read here.  I have a couple of questions for you:

1.  Is this your first feature length screenplay?
2.  Are you a Native American?

Answers don't matter to my critique, I'm just curious.  First the good news:  this screenplay really rocks.  Lots to like here.  Strong characterizations, interesting setting, lots of action and peril.  I think you are a talented writer, and a better than average dramatist.  You have a decent ear for dialogue.  The piece is pretty well researched geographically, naturally, and culturally.  (I think.  What am I?  An expert?  But at least I didn't notice huge errors.)

Most importantly, I was surprised several times.  And I was surprised that I was surprised.  Because there is a deftness here that most writers can't achieve.  

Okay?  Buttered up?  Ready for the bad?  Here you go.

First and foremost is the formatting.  Lots of problems could easily be solved by using one of the major screenwriting software packages.  You are talented enough to make this purchase out of necessity instead of desire.  So do it.  I like Final Draft but your mileage may vary.

The screenplay is much better than the log line.  The log line sounds like it sets up a two-bit thriller piece, when it is so much more than that.

My absolute biggest problem was with the first 5-10 pages.  I am reminded of a quote from the brilliant playwrite, (Glengary Glenross) I'll think of it, who said, "I've never read a screenplay which could not be immeasurably improved by cutting the first 20 pages."  

Your screenplay definitely falls into this category.  Why would you blow, (yes BLOW) some of the most dramatic elements by flashing around early?  This sucks.

You basically start with the same scene you end on, and I can't figure out why in the world this would make sense to you.  Infinitly stronger if you just told a straight forward time line story.  Start with the mugging, go to the courthouse, then BAM we're dumped on the island.  Let the kid find out about the guy as WE FIND OUT ABOUT THE GUY.  Why bother giving everybody an exact road map of where it's going?  Why why why why, I asked myself over and over.  Please explain.

Style:  The (wrylies) my god, the (wrylies.)

Just go through the script and delete them all.  Now.  Do it.  I'll wait here.  I'm not kidding.  ALL OF THEM.  Yes, even that one.  Don't need them.  Slows down the read.  Insults readers and actors and directors.  Horrid little creatures all of them.  Bye bye to bad rubbish.

Now, isn't that better?  In almost every case the actor's mood, or actions can be directly INFERRED FROM THE WORDS!  And if it isn't inferred from the words then the words aren't good enough.  I pretty much stopped reading them, and just read the dialogue and I got along just fine.  What does that tell you?  This is what it tells me:  dialogue=good, wrylies=bad.

Judge gives way too much info away on page 9.  You're basically saying, "Okay folks, here is what you're going to see..."  Skip it.

We're a lot more concerned for the kid if we don't know the cops are going to check on him every month or so.  Then when it happens we're like, "Well, of course they'd at least check on him, they're not inhuman after all."

Loved the whale parts.  Great visuals.  Worth the price of admission.

Food wrecked.  Good.  Added obstacles.  Rising action.

Didn't like the part where the kid snapped the rabbit's neck.  A little too primative.  Better if we just see it roasting.  We get the idea.

More in post two:






Your comments welcome on:  GOD GETS FIRED.  Comedy, 89 pages.  Humans are such a failure that God loses his job.  Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction.  Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us.  It’s about winning her back.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GodGetsFired.pdf
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conwall
Posted: November 15th, 2010, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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I'm back.


I'm sure anybody else who reads this script will use the word:  wordiness at least once.  As in, "This script sure has a lot of wordiness to it."

Jeez man, it's a screenplay not a novel.  Here's you:  "In contrast to his appearance, however, Raymond can see that the camp itself...blah blah blah,"

Here's me:  EXT - OLD MAN'S CAMP - DAY

It's neat and well-provisioned.  

Now here's some more really cool dialogue.

Here's some advice.  Describing stuff is like writing Haiku.  You have 62 characters.  Make them all work for you.  Make it all fit on one line.  Never two.  One.  Got it?

Now go fix it.  I'll wait here.  Should take a couple of hours but not more than a day.

Too much on the Old Man during this chase scene.  More dramatic if we just see the kid trying to get away or whatever.

"Why didn't you kill me?"  On the nose dialogue.  Change it.  This is what he is THINKING.  But this is not what he would say.  

"If you think I'm worthless..."  See above.

I loved the snare parts.  All of them.  First one, the old man's reveal, the revisit, and the gift of the rabbit, and then tossing the rabbit!  Awesome.  Don't change a thing.

How is he both "naked" and "dressed." ???

Learn the difference between it's and its.  It's not hard.

"Damnit."  This is a tricky word in a screenplay.  I googled it to see what others do.  Here's what I learned.  No matter what you hear, it's always better to just write it correctly.  Damn it.  or God damn it.  Or whatever.

Pg 67.  Thought it might be interesting if the kid did get a little shot in the exchange then the old guy works some mysterious Indian healing on him.  But alas...

Glen Garry, Glen Ross was written by David Mamet, I just remembered.  

Old man flashes back to his youth too early.  Better to have the whole sequence when the kid reads the book on page 71.  Still save his reveal for the end, but the flash in its entirety is here.

Found myself wanting a little more from Pete and Carl.  My idea was that one of them is having a kid see?  And the first time we see them they are talking about expectant mothers.  Then the next time we see them they are talking about late night feedings or something.  Or they could be having an ongoing sports conversation except it changes with the seasons.  First baseball, then basketball, then football.  Or something.  Plus, their names are throwaway and unoriginal.  

Plus, the hunters had pretty different personalities, but Pete and Carl come off as carbon copies of each other.  Make them different.

I loved the General Custer reference.  Works on two levels.

Also loved the disappearing camp site.  Big surprise late in the game.

The action sequence at the end was...okay.  He's in the cave, he's on the cliff, wait there's a tree and some slippery rocks, I wasn't exactly feeling it.  Or seeing it.  

Best advice.  Read some action scripts, (good produced ones, written by professionals) to see how action sequences look on the page.  A lot punchier.  Sharper.  Single line, single shot sort of stuccato vibe to them.  You'll like them.  

What I really liked was the denoument.  Fab.  Never saw it coming.  Perfect cherry on the top.  He's learned, he's grown, and now he's sharing his experience and giving back.  Nice.  

I give you 7.5 out of 10.  Could easily be 8.3 with just a few hours work, and could be a 9.0 or higher with a big time polish.  Real contender with this one.  

P.S.  Now you OWE me a read.  Check out my script and give me some honest feedback.  

Later





Your comments welcome on:  GOD GETS FIRED.  Comedy, 89 pages.  Humans are such a failure that God loses his job.  Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction.  Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us.  It’s about winning her back.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GodGetsFired.pdf
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