Red Queen :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

This started out having a lot of potential, and even when the oddball situation of what's really going on sailed right over my head - re-incarnated killers killing each other for centuries- I found that there was one too many overwritten scenes. Everytime my intrest increased, it would be killed with talking heads telling me stuff I already seen.

The early ten page pace is good and you're thinking cinematic and I like that kind of writing. I do know the discussions between Dr. Rayburn and  Colonel Parker could be shorter and more concise  Some of the first discussion between the two might work but the second one ("You hear the news...I told you so!") isn't needed at all. In these early scenes, the pace is killed. In these scenes with Parker and Rayburn you have the characters "tell" me that  Gabriel is a tough guy and that he beat up bullies in high school. Later, they "inform" me of action I had previously seen and/or mentioned.

Also, isn't  Gabriel Ramirez on a mission for the Gov't? Taking out terrorists and drug lords?

NEW MOTHER #1 and #2. (p23) I'm not a huge fan of "Generic Numbers". I don't know who's talking.

The entire scene with Ed in the Diner (28-30) is Much Ado About Nothing. If you really, really want it, shorted it up- just get to Ed and the Owner. Have the Owner of the Diner tell Ed where Sue is. Leave out the part about the warrant. Ed's only asking where she can be found. It's all you need if you really "need" this scene.

We get to the bar. Ed's ON DUTY but he orders a whiskey. A lot of his conversation with Sue could be made more simpler if he just said he was on business.

Interesting (36) CYNTHIA and DANIELLE have grown up a bit quick. A case of SORAS? I also noted that both kids are in the same classroom. (see page 22) This is not a bad thing as they both die (together!) a short time later. Natural Born Assassins with an odd birthmark- it shows some promise. I'm more forgiving of the Gabriel incident at this point because it ties in.

DOCTOR and the NURSE (p37) live together as husband and wife. This throws me off it the read, because you have to tell me who they are. Give them a name other than profession and help me out here.

ED and Mitch (49-53) Arrive late. Leave early.I don't want a history lesson. Don't over explain it. Don't over think it. Just put it in a nutshell and get to the point.

p57 Okay. Re-incarnated killers kill each other in each life. I getcha. Flies over the head with logic, I personally think you'll lose half of the audience with it. Others might find this silly but entertaining. I'll admit the five year old girls killing each other with crayons (?) has originality to it. I'm surprised they didn't go after each other with a pair of Lefty scissors - when you're right handed.

p61 No. Fifteen years is too long. What's been going on for fifteen years? I have to admit admit I was VERY worried until p66. As it is the Sue-Maria conversation takes up a lot of time. I was concerned because Ed may be a ho-hum laid back investigator, but he's the main protag. How's the case going?

And there we have the main problem with the script. Characters come and go (by the third act it's clear Parker and Rayburn were not important at all to begin with) but with Ed being so casual, so passive, he is uninteresting. There is no clear antagonist. Re-incarnation doesn't cut it. If it did, Gabriel and Sue would be the main characters. I was starting to think "Government Top Secret Experiment" gone bad (it would explain SORAS - the Soap Opera Rapid  Agong Syndrome) - but Re-incarnates. It's a tough pill to swallow.
But when you get to fifteen years later, it loses a lot of whatever crazy momentum it had.

That's too bad.
It was a nice attempt.

-DjS