SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 15th, 2019, 12:08pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
12/13/19 - A Lot of Scripts for Award Consideration are going up. Follow the action here:
Scripts Studios are Posting for Award Consideration


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  I Hate Edward Cullen - filmed Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 4 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    I Hate Edward Cullen - filmed  (currently 3495 views)
Don
Posted: December 6th, 2010, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13495
Posts Per Day
1.96
I Hate Edward Cullen by Adam - Short, Comedy - After his girlfriend breaks up with him because he isn't "Edward enough" for her, Jason discovers the Twilight series and takes an instant disliking to it. He meets the perfect girl and she's surprisingly never heard of Twilight. He needs to make sure it stays that way.  10 pages - pdf, format

Later draft can be found here: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1292389111/



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 20th, 2011, 9:43am
added film, link to later draft
Logged
Site Private Message
BRBellerophon
Posted: December 7th, 2010, 5:25am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
20
Posts Per Day
0.01
This made  me laugh so hard.

I have to admit, I was a bit put off by the title but I read it anyway. I'm glad I did. One of the funniest shorts I've read while on the site.

I bet every guy of this generation has experienced this one time or another. Very good read, can't find anything wrong with the formatting or anything. Short, to the point and executed very cleanly.

I like the way that Katie mirrors his actions towards the end, albeit with a different reaction. And I love the twist in the end.


"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." - T.E. Lawrence
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 24
grademan
Posted: December 7th, 2010, 8:50am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
896
Posts Per Day
0.23
Hey Adam,

This was good. Writing was a bit stiff in places. For example, " Let me tell you why. Itís because I fucking hate him". And this "His expression is of boredom." But I liked the way you told the story. It was a chuckler followed by a groan. Much like an overacted SNL skit.

Work on losing the "is" , "it" and "and" to speed up the read.

Good use of short descripitions and dialogue. The slugs were unusual "AND THE DAY AFTER THAT" but worked.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 24
khamanna
Posted: December 7th, 2010, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3282
Posts Per Day
0.88
I liked it.

The beginning of it could be shortened up to the moment he meets Katie. Then I think you could get rid of montage and show her seeing all the books and Twilight videos at his place. --just a suggestion. I just thought that montage spoiled the pace.

The ending was funny. Very nice work, I think.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 24
directedbyadam
Posted: January 3rd, 2011, 3:03am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
8
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thanks for the input advice, guys I appreciate it. I'm also glad you liked it. This is the very first draft. I rewrote it http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1292389111/s-0/#num4
It's now called Live Free or Twihard and I'm currently filming it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 24
RBotha
Posted: February 22nd, 2011, 2:57am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.00
To be honest, I liked the name and the idea, but it wasn't really funny. The montages where he reads the books and she reads the books...it interrupts the pace and makes it boring.

The scenes where he watches the films delivers a laugh or two though.

I thought the ending was predictable.

The formatting is good though, I don't see any problems with the formatting, just the story.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 24
Baltis.
Posted: February 22nd, 2011, 3:16am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Cute story -- Luckily my wife hates Twilight and we've never seen any of them... We aim to keep it that way... For my daughter's sake. (16 months old now).

Anyways

A) You should double space after your periods.

B) You need to have a FADE IN: and a FADE OUT:  

C) You need a THE END, centered in the middle of the page -- A dialogue cue is usually what some people tend to do when they don't know how to use their screenwriting software properly though.

Other than that and one instances where you got sloppy and gave too much information without breaking it up --> Not bad.  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 24
directedbyadam
Posted: July 20th, 2011, 2:35am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
8
Posts Per Day
0.00
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 24
albinopenguin
Posted: July 20th, 2011, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
Regular


I got dipping sticks.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
794
Posts Per Day
0.20
ill start this off by saying that i did not read either of your scripts. you posted this 6 months ago and return now simply to post your vid. however, in those six months, you have not read any other members' script. you have only posted four times and i can count each time you posted (all within your own threads). shame on you sir.

HOWEVER, based on everyone's comments, i decided to give this one a look. unfortunately any humor that was in the script, has been lost in the transition from paper to film.

for starters, you need to fix your audio levels. the VO's almost made my ears bleed.

for the love of god, invest in a tripod. nothing says amateur like unnecessary shaky camera angles. this leads me to believe that you are either A) poor or B) lazy. then again a rock is free and provides plenty of stability. so i guess you're just the latter.

for some reason the british accents actually made this more annoying. and the girls? lets just say that i wont be attending my cousin's wedding in england this fall for the bridesmaids. why is it that when i think "british chicks" i picture lucy pinder, but when i actually see a chick from britain she looks like mr bean with split ends?

sorry i couldnt be more positive on this one. just wasnt funny. you simply echoed annoyances that guys already experience and can relate to first hand. every guy knows what blue balls feels like. that doesnt mean you should film a red rose tea bagging a nutcracker.

oh and take out the camera stills. what are we filming? an 80's music video?

good luck next time greengrass.



Revision History (1 edits)
albinopenguin  -  July 20th, 2011, 4:57pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 24
jwent6688
Posted: July 20th, 2011, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1749
Posts Per Day
0.43
I remember reading this script. I enjoyed it for what it was, but I completely envisioned it quite different on film. I commend you for picking up the camera yourself. Too many writers just post scripts here hoping for someone to film them.

That being said, the production is very amateur. To echo Will, very shakey camera work when it doesn't need to be. Audio is all over the place. Their dialogue echos off the hard walls so much, I missed much of what they said.

I also thought you drew out some of the scenes too long. I found it hard to sit through this ten minutes of film. I was bored. Much of the punch of the script seemed to be lost on timing your lines. I'm sure that was much due to editing, but comedy is all about timing.

Congrats on getting out there though! I plan to try my own hand at some film this year. You can come back and bash mine if you don't like it... Or wait. You don't comment on other peoples work. Its not a requirement Adam, just couth.

James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 24
CindyLKeller
Posted: July 21st, 2011, 3:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1577
Posts Per Day
0.28
Kind of kooky and over the top, but hey some folks like that.

Congrats on your work.

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 24
Leon
Posted: July 21st, 2011, 4:49am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
London, UK
Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.02
Just to defend the good old British accent. I believe these people are South African not British.  
Not that there's anything wrong with South African accent, it's a great accent.

Anyways, did try to take a look at this, found it really hard to get through, think the scenes were just too drawn out, it all felt very long and static.  Congrats on getting a film done tho.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 24
JonnyBoy
Posted: July 21st, 2011, 6:09am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
London, England
Posts
1071
Posts Per Day
0.26

Quoted from albinopenguin
for some reason the british accents actually made this more annoying. and the girls? lets just say that i wont be attending my cousin's wedding in england this fall for the bridesmaids. why is it that when i think "british chicks" i picture lucy pinder, but when i actually see a chick from britain she looks like mr bean with split ends?


Nice...also, it's so absurdly clear that this lot aren't British. So nice ears there, too.

Anything else?


Guess who's back? Back again?
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 24
Eoin
Posted: July 21st, 2011, 7:11am Report to Moderator
Regular


just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Location
Ireland
Posts
691
Posts Per Day
0.18

Quoted from albinopenguin
ill start this off by saying that i did not read either of your scripts. you posted this 6 months ago and return now simply to post your vid. however, in those six months, you have not read any other members' script. you have only posted four times and i can count each time you posted (all within your own threads). shame on you sir.

HOWEVER, based on everyone's comments, i decided to give this one a look. unfortunately any humor that was in the script, has been lost in the transition from paper to film.

for starters, you need to fix your audio levels. the VO's almost made my ears bleed.

for the love of god, invest in a tripod. nothing says amateur like unnecessary shaky camera angles. this leads me to believe that you are either A) poor or B) lazy. then again a rock is free and provides plenty of stability. so i guess you're just the latter.

for some reason the british accents actually made this more annoying. and the girls? lets just say that i wont be attending my cousin's wedding in england this fall for the bridesmaids. why is it that when i think "british chicks" i picture lucy pinder, but when i actually see a chick from britain she looks like mr bean with split ends?

sorry i couldnt be more positive on this one. just wasnt funny. you simply echoed annoyances that guys already experience and can relate to first hand. every guy knows what blue balls feels like. that doesnt mean you should film a red rose tea bagging a nutcracker.

oh and take out the camera stills. what are we filming? an 80's music video?

good luck next time greengrass.


Come on albino, that feedback is peppered with animosity. The accents, aren't British and to say all British girls are ugly . . . is a bit uncalled for. The Bell curve shows that most people are 'average' in any distribution you care to sample be it looks or whatever.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 24
albinopenguin
Posted: July 21st, 2011, 10:01am Report to Moderator
Regular


I got dipping sticks.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
794
Posts Per Day
0.20
for christ's sakes guys, lighten up. okay the south african thing? ya got me there (then again it's a common mistake due to the fact that south africa was a part of the british empire). so my apologies to wickus. truth be told, i could honestly care less given the fluctuating audio levels. its hard to distinguish accents when everyone talks like a driver thru worker at jack in the box.

if this member was a regular poster, then my tone would be completely different. but i willingly sat through 10 minutes of this shit hoping that it would redeem itself at some point. but it didnt. and when the credits rolled, i was pissed. the quality of this video is so piss poor. and im not blaming the actual camera that was employed but rather the cinematographer and the editor. i made better films in my freshman year of high school. the filmmaker here is simply lazy. if he cared about his film (and his audience), he'd at least try to make a legitimate effort.

ill defend my statement about british chicks looking rough. my family comes from England and i've always been super proud of my heritage. but their women? yeesh...


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 24
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006