On The Other Hoof by Ray  - Short, Horror - The bistro tables are turned. Enjoy your lunch, (if possible). 8 pages - pdf, format

I had no idea what pneumatic meant. I mean, I guess that's what the dictionary is for.  He got her with that thing from No Country for Old Men. I think...

exsanguination -  Stop hurting my brain! Haha.

I'm halfway through the script, and it's becoming pretty repetitive. You're basically telling us what they do to cows, expect you are using humans. I already get it. So now I'm expecting the actual story to start.

So there was no real story, but I get your point. I think there have been many screenplays like this before though.

I do like the fact that you are really trying to prove a point, rather than just showing us blood a guts with a "twist" I appreciate that.

But as a screenplay, it needs work. You need to add in an actual storyline so we care about the events. I think you should have had a factory worker doing this to a woman. Then at the end, you reveal this is what they do to cows? I don't know. That wouldn't really work, but something along those lines so we are surprised.

Howdy, Jeanpierre

Thank you for reading and commenting.

Sorry about the vocab.  

Here's a video of that pneumatic gun in action. Note the coiled, red air hose.


Exsanguination is an industry term, and perfectly acceptable in dialog.
Coupled with a visual at the same time and the audience will get it pretty quick.
I know not to put such things into action lines, (Thank you, MC).
(insert loaded chuckle wryly)

Story... eh, this is a square peg.
Can't pound a square peg in a round hole.
I really wasn't gunning for a traditional character driven, obstacle conquering, climax achieving story.

Honestly, I wanted to dehumanize everything.
Just strip out all the topical emotion, leaving just a visceral detachment to a task which should provoke an emotional response but doesn't.
To me - THAT detachment and how easy it is to slip into - is the horror.

You're sitting in your comfy chair, waiting for your DVD horror movie to start and this short comes on.
"WTH was that?! That was pretty effin' weird. I'm supposed to be horrified, but I'm not. And maybe that means that I should be. Was I entertained? My God. What's wrong with me?" sorta thing.

No point really to prove. Blood and guts are incidental.
I don't mind at all knowing where my burgers and hot dogs and chicken fingers come from. Fine by me. Sux2B an animal. Grow opposable thumbs and stereoscopic vision if you don't wanna be eaten.

Quoted from Jean-Pierre Chapoteau But as a screenplay, it needs work. You need to add in an actual storyline so we care about the events. I think you should have had a factory worker doing this to a woman. Then at the end, you reveal this is what they do to cows? I don't know. That wouldn't really work, but something along those lines so we are surprised.

I can do that.
No biggie.
That approach was considered before moving beyond it fairly quickly on the grounds of "been there and done that."

I just wanted to move away from the 8 color crayon box of emotions and poke around something a little deeper, disturbing on a different plane.

Once things are made personal it's easier to get over it by familiarity.
An odd little vignette would remain a little more timeless, I think.

Ray,

This was interesting.

At the beginning, I thought the voiceover was going to switch to an actual character on the train.

Documentary approach was okay.

Attention to detail was very realistic

Describing the process in detail at such length however was unnecessary

Payoff at the end wasn't there.  

This would an interesting entry for our summer OWC vegans versus carnivores.

Hope this helps.

Gary

Heya Ray,

Congrats on finishing another script.
This exercise was intriguing, but ultimately unsatisfying for me.
The documentary style did not grab me and the anthro animals added alienation.
I understand this is what you're going for, but it didn't pull me in.
I think I got your point by page three, but you went on for another four.
Everything is so dehumanized, I don't care what's happening.
The anthro animal fantasy element undermines any real themes for me.
It's told like an industrial documentary, but with fantasy animals.
I just plain don't get the point of that, it undermines any serious theme for me.

However, you stuck to your guns and carried out an interesting exercise.
That is to be commended, holding onto an ideal and getting it on the page, kudos.
That being said, I don't want to see any butchered kids in a script for a while.
Child mutilation really curdles my milk, let's not see any more of that for a while.

Thanks for posting and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.

Hi Ray,

This is somewhat similar to Dumb Animals submitted to May OWC. Give it a read, many  selected it as their favorite. That one has a story and is not that educational)
I get the point though. --looks like something that took a lot of research. Still would be more interesting if it was about someone, about a character...

Lard - I associate it with hog's fat. I looked up in a dictionary, it returned "the rendered fat of hogs, esp. the internal fat of the abdomen." - but you are talking about human fat, why "lard" then?

Ray,

I can't say I like this. Why didn't the (V.O.) at least have a character heading? At least MAN'S VOICE. Just looked distracting without it.

As I got further into the script, I couldn't tell the difference between the dialogue and the action. They were both telling us what was happening on screen. Which is just a tutorial of a human being slaughtered like a cow. Gonna admit, I started to skim this at that point.

When this first started, I thought you had a great idea... Comparing the life of a human to that of a cow... The humans ride the train, bus, like cattle. The enter the office like cattle, arrive in their rows and enter their cubicles. "An electric shock stuns them." We see humans dazed within their computer screens, mezmerized.

I think that would be an interesting script. I know you were trying to get a point across. I'm among the belief "ignorance is bliss." I don't want to know what happens to cattle in slaughter houses. I love steak.

James

Gary -
Describing the process in detail at such length however was unnecessary.
I wanted to not just suggest the process and especially not just hit the highlights.
I wanted to drag the viewer through the entire process unwillingly.
Not just "kill it". "Over kill it".

When a viewer becomes tired of watching person after person, women and children, being being processed as meat, what does it mean?

Brett -
... the anthro animals added alienation.
Alienation as in... a distraction from the meat processing or from people being processed?

I think I got your point by page three, but you went on for another four.
Everything is so dehumanized, I don't care what's happening.
That was exactly the point - to make everything so dehumanizing, for the sake of self awareness.
Yeah? No? Paint drying?

It's told like an industrial documentary, but with fantasy animals.
I just plain don't get the point of that, it undermines any serious theme for me.
To add a sickening element to the story.
A thick gob of syrup on your burger or ketchup on your ice cream so to speak.

That being said, I don't want to see any butchered kids in a script for a while.
Child mutilation really curdles my milk, let's not see any more of that for a while.
Yeah, that stuff really strikes too close to home for me, as well, thus the inclusion.

Khamanna -
This is somewhat similar to Dumb Animals submitted to May OWC.
I'll go hunt that one down.
Thank you.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-MayOWC/m-1274489873/s-new/
- Just read it. Without any context of other entries "Yeah", kinda similar. Writer definitely was shooting for a traditional story and did fine.

Still would be more interesting if it was about someone, about a character...
Same as I replied to Jeanpierre, I really wasn't gunning for a traditional character driven, obstacle conquering, climax achieving story.

Hey! Thanks for the headzup on the correct def of lard!
I just thought it was fat in general.
Didn't know it was pig specific.
Good to know! I feel less eggnorint allreddy!

James -
Why didn't the (V.O.) at least have a character heading? At least MAN'S VOICE. Just looked distracting without it.
Just didn't think about it.
I suppose you're right and see your point. Duly noted.

The enter the office like cattle, arrive in their rows and enter their cubicles. "An electric shock stuns them." We see humans dazed within their computer screens, mezmerized.
Yeah, I really didn't want to PRESENT a social commentary so much as point a finger at the viewers and possibly make them question themselves.
"This is boring. Why is watching women and children being processed like cattle and then being fed to us not bothering me?" sorta thing.

I think that would be an interesting script.
I could easily do that, and I think any one of us could. And THAT was the reason why I didn't go that predictable "gag" route.
A minute into it we'd all be going "Ah ha ha. Cute. Funny. Okay... movin' rigt along."
I think people would dismiss that version PDQ, whereas this would've made them go "Ick."

I'm among the belief "ignorance is bliss." I don't want to know what happens to cattle in slaughter houses. I love steak.
I've an unreasonably strong stomach made possible by my cynical disposition toward people in general.
I love steak, too.
My kids still laugh when I drive by cattle farms, shaking my McD's double-fat-a$$-cheeze burger out the window, yelling like a lunatic (that I am) "I'M EATING YOUR AUNTIE! I'M EATING YOUR COUSIN! YUM, YUM!"
LOL!
My poor children.  



Thank you guys for taking the time to read and review with honest POVs, sincerely.
Gracias.

Quoted from RayW Brett - ... the anthro animals added alienation. Alienation as in... a distraction from the meat processing or from people being processed? I think I got your point by page three, but you went on for another four. Everything is so dehumanized, I don't care what's happening. That was exactly the point - to make everything so dehumanizing, for the sake of self awareness. Yeah? No? Paint drying?

Hey Ray,

Alienation as in I was looking for a way to get invested in the story.
The combo of fantasy and processing did not gel for me. So I kinda tuned out.
I'm not saying put a sunny character in there.
But I did not feel like the second half added anything to the first half of your script.
If you wanted to hit me over the head until I didn't care anymore, it worked.
I felt like numb cattle halfway through and conveyor belted through the rest.

E.D.

If you wanted to hit me over the head until I didn't care anymore, it worked.
I felt like numb cattle halfway through and conveyor belted through the rest.

Cool.
Then it worked! (For me, at least!)
I just fed you people and you were too numb to care.

Now, in daylight, tomorrow, watch the people around you, as if they were bugs, and question how many of them could be fed people so easily.
Sure, they'd b!tch and complain for a bit - as they kept eating.


I love people.
(Not really. Just a wee bit of sarcasm there.)  

Interesting idea, Ray.

I agree, in a way, with the other comments about this being repetitive and in need of a more traditional story structure. In a way though, I think you've achieved exactly what you set out to do. It's not a pleasant read and wouldn't be a pleasant watch but this could work as part of an anti-meat campaign or something.

Another way you could take this is as an animation and have it heavy in the dark humour. Make the animals your characters and that could help with making this a bit more of a traditional story. Maybe even have the narrator make an appearance at the end as a cow serving some guy a burger "Enjoy your meal" kinda thing. I got a black comedy vibe from this as it is anyway.

I think you can do a fair bit with this, if you choose to. Good stuff.

Ste

Hi Ray,

Well, I must say, I read this one a little while ago, and I've since had two beers while sitting in front of my screen and I still can't decide how I should respond to this one.

Like most of the other commenters, I thought this was an interesting concept, but ultimately I felt as though you could probably shave off a few pages and still get the same point across as some others have mentioned.  While I was okay with the documentary style in which you wrote it, and I could kind of picture it as some sort of creepy little short, I too would have liked a bit more story involved.  At the very least, I agree with Gary in that I would have liked the V.O guy to have ended up on the chopping block.  I think that would have added a creepiness factor to it, and it would have helped to give the audience a connection.

I dunno, while I think you obviously did a lot of research, and the writing was fine, I think this is going to be a tough pill for most people to swallow.  I actually clicked on one of the links you attached at the end...before quickly X'ing out before it could load.  Haha.  Ultimately, I'm like James in that I decided no need to mess up a good thing (i.e. meat).

Anyway, best of luck.

Craig

Ste -
... and in need of a more traditional story structure.
... I think you can do a fair bit with this, if you choose to.
By golly, you bunch of sick people, I'll do it! (I'm laughing, now)
You folks are just... not right.
I'll likely get it done in the next week or so.

I submitted ON THE OTHER HOOF on 12/2. Posted 12/15.
Expect something posted the first week of JAN amidst Phil's 3WC hoopla.


Craig  -
Well, I must say, I read this one a little while ago, and I've since had two beers while sitting in front of my screen and I still can't decide how I should respond to this one.
LOL! The consideration of an appropriate response speaks plenty alone.  

I too would have liked a bit more story involved.  At the very least, I agree with Gary in that I would have liked the V.O guy to have ended up on the chopping block.  I think that would have added a creepiness factor to it, and it would have helped to give the audience a connection.
Coming ya'll's way. In spades!

I actually clicked on one of the links you attached at the end...before quickly X'ing out before it could load.  Haha.  Ultimately, I'm like James in that I decided no need to mess up a good thing (i.e. meat).
LOL!
Documentary stuff doesn't bother me at all.
What disturbs me is when cr@p like that is presented as entertainment.

Like Brett/E.D. had brought up, kids getting butchered really isn't entertainment and crosses a boundary commercial film makers know not to broach.
I'm sure there's a black market for such, in fact I reasonably know the cops routinely investigate, shut down and ultimately prosecute child porn/prostitution and likely snuff films, too. When they're not busy shutting down the actual horror itself, of course.
People disgust me at times.


Meat processing as entertainment cuing up on deck, you sick puppies!

Ray, my man, what have you been smoking buddy?  

I get the fun of this. You use some very dark humor to make your point and it comes accross clearly. I'm all for crazy dark twisted stuff, so I get it.

Other posters have mentioned that once the point is made, the process starts to feel a bit repetitive. Have to agree there. It's quite a short short, so no biggie, but yeah, some trimming wouldn't hurt.

My main observation would be: the premise is absolutely outrageous which screams "comedy" yet the execution is disturbingly bloody. There's seems to be a disconnect in tone. Not much you can do about it, this is what this is, but I think it's worth mentioning though. Something to have in mind for your next piece.

Thanks for sharing.  

My first thought is that this strikes me as activist, maybe it's not, just something out there on the fringe. So...pushing aside my first thoughts, sorry, can't, but they are just my thoughts. I did watch the youtube stuff attached. This mirrors the youtube stuff. The youtube vids seem inhuman, and that comes from us humanizing animals in film (thanks, Walt).