Pinned by Jean-Pierre Chapoteau - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - An extra terrestrial indulges in his obsession with Earth's professional wrestling all while trying to complete his mission: Sabotage America's main defenses. 5 pages - pdf, format

This script didn't really do anything for me, Jean-Pierre.  The descriptions were very dry and listless.  Each paragraph and sentence seemed to be all by themselves and there was no flow.  I usually don't have problems reading shorts, but I had trouble keeping inyerest in this one.

The story didn't make much sense to me, either.  If not for your logline, I would have no idea what this story was about.

Read some scripts, here, and see how other other writers tell their stories with flowing descriptions.  Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey Phil, that's exactly what I wanted to know. Whether or not the script made sense. See, I entered it in a contest where the theme already told you what the script was supposed to be about, but  I wondered if the script would be clear if it just stood alone. I guess not. Thanks for letting me know. I hope for others to say their two cents. I really appreciate you taking your time to read this.

My writing style... It's a style that I enjoy. I might need to tighten it up, but I probably won't change it. I like how dry and blunt it is.  But I do appreciate the criticism.

Thanks Phil.

Dry and blunt isn't the way to go.  Even though it's a script, it has to be somewhat entertaining to the reader.


Phil

JPC --

This was confusing. I honestly couldn't figure it out. Hard to judge the style...

Gary

Hate the cluttered nature of your writing.  Everything is so damn tight and crammed together.  The delivery wasn't bad, I thought it read visual.  It is a tad novel, but not too bad.  I think what I got out of the story, probably wrong but here goes -- Ron is a man staving off personal demons.  Those demons being the agents.  Maybe they were coming for him in a literal sense... Maybe they were sent by the devil and were represented as "agents" because of Ron's profession.  Maybe the title "pinned" has a double meaning -- He's pinned to the mat in his life and he's pinned to life by the agents who all want a piece of him.  

I dunno... That's what I got from it. Could go either way...  Not bad, though.

The toilet sits on its side. A large TUNNEL in its place.
Deep inside the man size rabbit hole lies an open HATCH.

So what happens when the toilet is upright and someone takes a deuce in it?
bad place for a hidden cabin....

Translation: "PERSONAL AFFAIRS ARE INSIGNIFICANT. FAILURE
TO COMPLETE MISSION WILL LEAD TO IMMEDIATE DEPORTATION." - pretty much told the story. Whatever Ron was loved the energy of the crowd so much he'd rather win the championship the go back to his alien world. Problem is, you never let us know why he loved it so much. What he was doing on earth?

Far too big of a story for five pages. Could be interesting, but you overshot IMO.

Also, you don't double space for your new slugs. It's spaced out like another line of action. It's wrong.

James

Jean-Pierre,

I had a hard time following this one. The logline told the story pretty much.
The pages felt crammed and the scene change spacing is off to make matters worse.
Is there a reason why Ron never speaks? Can he speak even?
I could not get into the flow of this much. It reads chunky for me.
Though I will say an extra terrestrial pro wrestling addict as a character is cool.

The toilet that isn't a toilet. I guess Ron's race doesn't poop?
Some pretty interesting plumbing there, pal.

I dig the idea, now let's give him some motivation and obstacles.
Thanks for posting and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.

I didn't really get what the story was about. There's a wrestler, who puts a virus on a computer... and that's it? No actual characters, no backgrounds, no nothing?
You could possibly get great over-interpretations from that, but actually, it wasn't good. Although this was only 5 pages long, it got pretty boring reading.

Plus, the style wasn't good either. Too much stuff per page, what made it even more uncomfortable to follow.