Cupid's Assistant by Becca Legassie - Drama - She brought love to others even though Cupid didn't seem to bring love to her. Her little flower shop saw new love, rekindled love, older love, and fought for love. The thirteen day leading up to Valentines Day were always the busiest days of the year and this was no different. Or was it! 119 pages - pdf, format

Ok, I am reading this and will provide my amateur suggestions. Got to page 19, will continue later. Please keep in mind, love stories are not really a topic of interest to me, so I will try to just be reading for technical and grammatical stuff.

First, on pages 14 and 15, you did some VOs where we could hear Beth's thoughts. I think these were unnecessary. This is where the audience would have to read the expressions of the actress and connect with her, have an idea what she is thinking. Maybe describe Beth's facial expressions a little for the director. Or have a quick little dialogue exchange that provides clues to her feelings and thoughts. Even if you just read it as it is, without the VO, we understand what is happening.

Next: "That is a Pothos or more commonly
know as Devil’s Ivy. If you get her
that one and tell her to pick one
day a week to water it and then
ignore it the rest of the week it
will last forever."

This seems like a potentially powerful symbol. I'm not sure how you are going to use it yet, I guess I will find out later when I finish. Watering one day a week, the Devil, and lasting forever...definitely something I am sure you are setting up.

On page 18, Beth leaves to go to back room, upset by something in Ryan's attitude. Not sure what. Was it the cash? Did she think Ryan was trying to impress her? Or was it just herself, once she realized she wished Ryan was buying for her?

Some technical: in several places mans should be man's; other places need commas. For example page 12: "As Kathy says the name Mr. Roberts the nice looking man turns and looks at her for a moment."

Hope this helped, will read more later!

I've read some more, you can let me know if I should continue.

I thank you for reading my script and I welcome any and all feedback you wish to share with me. I will let you know that I have had it read by two separate professional readers and except for a little punctuation here and there they each have given it a positive read. But that does not mean someone who is a more average person like myself couldn't give me different pointers. Please read on and share your thoughts. I thank you for the time you are putting in on my script.  

I am not a professional reader but I believe your script has problems beyond that of punctuation. The main problem is that you appear to confuse screenwriting with writing prose. This leads you to write much in your action that is superfluous. Some action is confusing or awkwardly expressed and some should be left to the actor's interpretation.

A script is a blueprint and should not have a word more than is necessary. Fewer words help towards clearer, cleaner action and punchier dialogue. If a character runs her fingers through her hair we do not need to know that she raised her arm to do so. A ring falls, it does not begin or start to. Likewise, people pick up scattered flowers, they don't start to.

You are very specific at times and I wonder how necessary it is to the plot. Margret's eye/hair colour are not specific but Beth's are? You specify Orchids (cap unnecessary) 'of assortment (assorted?) colors' then later, in the greenhouse, no orchids but 'seven Lilac (no cap) bushes, three with white flowers, four with purple. The props dept. will love you.

As examples of awkward or confusing: STOREROOM belongs in the slugline, which then makes redundant the following 'stockroom of a flower/gift shop'.
Typical flower shop decor - in the storeroom?
OH RASPBERRIES! - no need to capitalise.
'Beth is talking in a loud voice...' we know by the exclamation marks.
'...until Eric comes into room.' - but he arrives on next page.
'walks in, sees Beth.' - of course he does.
The next action line could be; Eric enters and steadies stack of boxes.
(If you do keep it, correct 'were' to where.)
'Beth removes her hand...' - she must already have moved it according to your own action line.
There are aimless actions that are you directing when it should be left to the director/actor. '...walks behind counter'; ''...starts to walk toward Margret'; 'continues on to the counter'.
Hugging a stuffed animal tells us something of that character's feelings at that point but to tell us she first 'picks up' the thing is mundane as well as redundant. It would be more telling to say she swooped it up in her arms and hugged it.

You may think I am being pedantic. But any book on screenwriting will tell you how difficult it is to get your script read - unless you pay for it. And the book will also tell you, often gleefully, that for what may seem to us novices as petty mistakes will get your hard-worked-for script instantly binned.

I have only read the first five pages. I will read through and post further if you feel my comments are of help.
  

I do thank you for taking the time to read my script...I have sent on your comments already to the professional readers asking them if what you are saying is something I should look into changing or if I should stick with their suggestions. It's nice when you pay almost $200.00 each that you can ask them more questions.

Some of the things you have tried to correct me on are there for reasons. When I say that Beth talks in a loud voice until Eric comes in the room it's not just the 'Oh RASPBERRY!' part that she says loudly it is everything that she says before he comes in. She is talking to people in another room. I didn't need to clarify that because of the (OS) voices.

It is important to point out about the orchids not being in the greenhouse because in a later scene Margret explains why.

My 25+ books and countless sites on script writing all agree with how hard it is to get started in this business and that is one of the many reasons why I am getting all the feedback I can on my first finished screenplay.

I would be VERY interested to read one of yours if you have any so I can see a better example of one.

Thank you again for your time in reading my script.

Hello Becca, and welcome to the boards.

I am concerned that you paid $200 for a critique of your script when they failed to even point out a glaring typo on the title page.

You mean "Cupid's" -- with an apostrophe.  Some spelling and grammar here and there may be forgiven, but a typo in the title is cringeworthy.

And I am curious -- did they not tell you to trim passages such as this?

Quoted Text Margret mid 60’s, 5’6-5’8ish, plump, always in slacks and polo shirts with slip-on loafer type shoes, eye/hair color not specific, enters front door..

There are at least 4 separate things wrong with this passage alone.

I am not trying to be a jerk here, Becca --  I am concerned that the people you are paying to read this are not doing you right.

If they will answer some questions for free, that is cool -- but if they start asking you for additional cash, please think twice.  There are plenty of "experts" out there only too happy to accept all the cash a fledgling screenwriter will give them.

Hi Bert,

Thank you for your reply and your concern both places did in fact point out the typo on the title page and in all my rewrites I have failed to fix that.

One reader advised me to change the passage you quote and I have to now  read

Margret mid 60’s, 5’6-5’8ish, plump, nicely dressed,enters
front door, patchwork type bag hanging off arm, looks at
Beth and Eric getting the store ready for the day.

which combined several lines together to read better.

As I have said I am quite new at this and 'Cupid's Assistant' is my first finished script so at this point any and all critiques and/or suggestions are most welcome. I am working on rewrite number 9 but felt that getting it out there could only help me in the long run.

Thank you again for your time.

hi becca,

           Please don't spend any more money on those 'professional' readers, it is just a big scam. I kid you not.

good luck in future

John

Becca, listen...I have to echo Bert and John's concern over spending $200 (or whatever it is you spent) to get this "professionally" read.

If the draft that's posted here is any example of what these "Pro Readers" are doing for you, you've been rooked quite badly.

Your first page alone (as well as the title page, that Bert noted) is chock full of so many rookie mistakes, it's kind of shocking.  For instance, your very first passage, which happens to be a 3 line "sentence", has at least 8 glaring errors in it.  Most won't read past this, because it's a big old red flag waving, warning of what's to follow.

Next 1 line passage also has glaring errors.  Then, you have a character speak that hasn't been intro'd...and actually never is properly intro'd.

Literally, every single line has problems, and any "Pro Reader" should immediately catch these, cause Page 1 is very important.

I'm sorry to sound like a jerk (but I often do), but if this is what the script looks like in draft # 9, after paying 2 different readers a total of $400, I cringe at what it must have looked like in draft # 1.

Don't waste your money on these A-Holes who take advantage of new writers.

Becca, there are some good script doctors out there.  I used one for two or three of my scripts and was very happy with the results.  A doctor is supposed to do more than just correct misspellings and grammatical errors.  He's supposed to tell you the strengths and weaknesses of your script regarding story, characters, dialog, pacing, etc..

This site is good in the sense that we don't get paid for this and, therefore, have no reason to be anything but honest.  You may not like what some people say, but you should be grateful when someone comments on your script, even if it's only the first few pages.


Phil