Days in the Life by Boris Jacobson (bojacobson) - Series - Three completely average adolescents attempt to make sense of life and woo women. 17 pages - pdf, format

The first script I ever wrote, about 6 years ago.  Episodes 2 and 3 were also written, and will be uploaded soon.

Would love to know what you guys think. I'll read your scripts as well

Okay, a couple of things regarding formatting.  First, don't use progressive verbs (verbs that end in -ing).  Go with active verbs.  While some say that progressive verbs are acceptable, it take more space to use them.

Music is playing can easily be shortened to: Music plays.

It doesn't seem like much, but it makes for better reading.

Describe things only as they can be filmed by the camera or shown on the screen, through sight and sound.  Mentioning things like:

Quoted Text Boris' phone rings. His ring tone is a song expressing his love for Sylvia.

Unless the song is Sylvia, I Love You, we would never know the significance of the ring tone.

In regards to your story, it dragged.  It was, for the most part, three guys talking.  It was like that witty banter that you find in stoner humor, only there were no drugs and there wasn't anything witty about.  You need to put some action into the story.  Some visuals.  You tell us everything through dialog and you shouldn't.

Your main characters all sounded alike.  After a certain point, I was skipping over their names as I read; the dialog just turned into one drawn out soliloquy.

I wish I could be more positive with your script, but it needs work.  Can it be improved on?  Yes.  I wouldn't shoot a harpoon through your laptop (and lap) just yet.

Read some scripts, here.  You can learn a lot about writing from them.


Phil