Eden by Robert McAllister (crashbang) - Short, Post Apocalypse - After his fathers death, Jed trys to build a garden in the ashen waste above his bunker. 10 pages - pdf, format

I was reading this because it sounded interesting. It initially opened up with some action and dialogue. And then I was reading nothing but pages of descriptions describing how Jed is tormented by dust. I had to give up because I became very furstrated.

I thought this was very well written. It's obvious you put a lot of thought into the story considering how detailed and thorough it is. It also evoked many emotions (depression, despair, hope, anger, etc.)

There were a few times where I got lost in the story and then I realized I was reading a screenplay and, like jcolon, became frustrated at the pages and pages of action lines. I think this would take about 45 minutes of screen time to tell this 10 page story.

I honestly believe this would work much better as a short story instead of a screenplay. Have you considering anything like that?

I also noticed a few simple mistakes in here:

SPOILERS

There is a gunshot. BLAKE collapses backward to the floor, dead instantly. EMMA screams.

JED walks out of the hatch holding a pistol with both hands. He fires again, three times, into BLAKE’s chest. BLAKE collapses to the ground, and JED shoots him in the head. (Blake is already dead. I believe this should be Edu?)

EMMA is screaming hysterically the entire time. Then JED levels the pistol at her.

EMMA sobs and cries as she clutches her belly. JED hesitates for a moment, lowers the pistol a little. He stares glassy eyed down at ADA’s belly, and then the dead man at his feet. (Who is Ada?)

Hi guys, thanks for the reviews. I never really considered it as a short story, which I'm suprised about - I have written a fair few short stories. Sorry - Ada used to be the name of the pregnant woman, which I changed because the names I had given the three were odd.

So yeah. It could work as a short story. I'll look into it.

Robert,

I really try to stay away from formatting anymore, but overwriting still slows down a read for me.

JED, the 21 year old young adult - Why not just "JED, 21"? I'm already put off and not even done with your first page.

First wer're EXT. SHACK. Then in the shack with no new slug. Then INT. BUNKER while Jed stares up at the ceiling of a warehouse? You're losing me fast.

When did Edu die? He killed Blake twice. Re-read your script...

I don't see the need for either flashback. Leaving out the first would make the reader wonder more, want to know what happened. Why can't he drink the rain?
The second was just too overdramatic. I really felt nothing from it.

I didn't like him spending his shells at the end. I don't even know why you would intro that woman at the end without them even spoken a word together? Something very small. At least let us know she's not a mongoloid before he lets her into his bunker.

This is SEVERELY overwritten. This should be six, seven pages max. And its hard to follow. Never really got Eden or The ground above for slugs... which I think should just be EXT. DESERT - NIGHT. At least how I pictured it.

The story, is good. You could make a nice short story out of it the way you write. If you want to write it into a screenplay, you have to get way better.

James

This is a pretty detailed piece you've got here.  The action blocks are huge and the page is filled with type (This can be a bad thing).  This definitely reads more like a short story than a screenplay.  There's almost no dialogue.

Having just read this I noticed it has been posted for a while, not the first time i have done this. Anyway, might as well well comment.

James makes sensible points in the format etc which needs work. There seems to be a fair amount of ing and ly words which are frowned upon.

One thought I had to break up the text and add a dynamic would be the use of something for him to talk to ( think castaway) or a diary. Like others I wasn't sure about the use of flashbacks.

All the best. RD

Interesting script here.  Has a 'save the cat' quality to it that almost hits the mark.  Start off with the Dad dying, we see the goal of building a garden, struggle to get it going, innovate a way through it, succeed in building it only to have it destroyed by some hungry passer-bys, kill them, try to start again, fail.  Meet new woman in the end.  All the pieces are there, just need to refine the format a bit to squeeze maximum emotion from the viewer.  

I really like this one, and agree with the above posters about tightening up the details, and perhaps give the protag a line or two.