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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Wager Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 31st, 2011, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Wager by Ian - Short - Tied and gagged to a chair in a dinghy and desolate garage, a mans desperate attempt to break free looks more unlikely with each second that passes by. 3 pages - pdf, format


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 31st, 2011, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Ian...

Don't know you... if you plan on filming this yourself then fine, but if not, i'd get rid of all those camera angles.  I would say they took me out of the story, but... hold on...

You got a lot of telling and no showing.  Try to avoid telling us what the character is thinking.  Some of the writing is redundant.  Typo in your logline.  Spacing in your slugs.

Others may disagree but too be honest... the story... there's none here.  Just some guy trying to break free until someone cuts him loose.  Take a few more pages and add some meat and potatoes.

I could have missed the point of the piece... but I don't think so.

Good Luck,

Ghostie



Revision History (1 edits)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  February 1st, 2011, 12:18am
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ShotOfJack
Posted: February 6th, 2011, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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First of all i would like to say thanks for taking the time to leave a comment on my screenplay. Much appreciated.

Secondly, i have limited experience in writing screenplays and this is actually the first time i've uploaded one to this site so, of course, there are going to be mistakes that only practice can eradicate. As for the story i was trying to set it up as if the man was in genuine peril and fear for his life, until the payoff, where we actually learn that the situation he finds himself in is all part of an elaborate bet that he had going with his friend; to escape from the situation within a minute, which he obviously fails to do. Perhaps this wasn't made explicit by me or, like you said, you missed the point of it. i realise the story is very limited, but i wrote it with the intention of filming it as a short, experimental project more than anything.

Thanks again.
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dogglebe
Posted: February 6th, 2011, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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My biggest problem with this script, Ian, is the ending.  No one likes to read a script to find out the threat isn't real. It's like reading a script where the main character is in dire peril, only to have it end where he wakes up from a bad dream.

The camera angles, CUT TO's and everything else like it can be taken out.  Doing this, and tightening everything else, will result in a two page script.

Read some scripts, here, and see how people describe scenes and tell stories and such.  It's a great learning experience.  And leave feedback.  We're whores for feedback.


Phil
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ShotOfJack
Posted: February 6th, 2011, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your comment phil. After re-reading my script i can see that there is a lot that could be cleaned up but, as i said, this was just me practicing really and i do appreciate the feedback on here as it's the only way you can really improve. Regarding the ending i would have to disagree. i think the example you gave of someone waking from a dream when the audience believed what they were experiencing was real, is just cheating the audience and is something that i hate myself and was certainly not my intention. I wanted to have an unpredictability about it with an humours payoff at the end; perhaps i didn't execute it as well i hoped but, like i said, that was my intention. I will certainly read more scripts on this site and improve my writing and as the old cliche goes, practice makes perfect....well, as close to perfect as i can get anyway.

Thanks again.
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dogglebe
Posted: February 10th, 2011, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ShotOfJack
Regarding the ending i would have to disagree. i think the example you gave of someone waking from a dream when the audience believed what they were experiencing was real, is just cheating the audience and is something that i hate myself and was certainly not my intention. I wanted to have an unpredictability about it with an humours payoff at the end; perhaps i didn't execute it as well i hoped but, like i said, that was my intention.


When you throw a character into a given situation, the reader feels for him.  If that character is in danger, we feel it.  And when you make us think he's in danger, only to pull the rug out from under us, we feel betrayed.


Phil

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Baltis.
Posted: February 10th, 2011, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe


When you throw a character into a given situation, the reader feels for him.  If that character is in danger, we feel it.  And when you make us think he's in danger, only to pull the rug out from under us, we feel betrayed.


Phil



With the exception of Rod Serling...  I can't count how many times he gave us the misdirection, yet I never one time got sick of it.  I love everything he ever did.  

I love the TZ where the sun is moving closer to earth and everything is dying, water is drying up and the world is in turmoil... At the end we find out it was all a dream and the woman was having a nightmare brought on by her fever -- Outside the window it's snowing.

Loved it.
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Gautch
Posted: February 13th, 2011, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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I know i'm new to the forum, but as a director (not writer) this is a script i can get behind. Its written visually enough i can run with it.

I do enjoy the deception at the end, its a twist ending thats fun for me as a viewer to receive.

Ian, have you shot this yet? I'd be interested in tackling it
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ShotOfJack
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there Gautch. i haven't shot it yet but hopefully i will be soon. Thanks very much for your comment and i'm glad you enjoyed it.

And thanks for your comment again Phil, but i guess we're just going to have to agree to differ on the matter. Of course there are situations where you are correct to say that you are betrayed as the audience, i just don't believe this is one of those situations. But it's always great to see differing opinions.
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khamanna
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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I think all you have to expand on it. Who is this man and what does he want? Then maybe there could be a twist...

Mark is your protagonist, or at least feels like it. If you have him as a bad one in the end and the man who wants him to "pay up" as a bad one - that could twist it around. But even if no twist it feels incomplete if you don't tell us anything about them and answer the question you raised - why Mark is tied up to a chair and what this mans wants of him.
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Jayden Creighton
Posted: February 17th, 2011, 7:20am Report to Moderator
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Ian, how are you?

Couldn't help but give this one a read, three pagers don't take a whole lot out of my day.
I actually didn't mind it, though I did tackle it from a director's point of view.

I don't see the camera angles as a draw back, so long as you plan on filming this yourself (I too use them when working on scripts I plan to produce)

Didn't hate the twist ending, I think it would be to much of a cliche' horror film without it. When I was reading it I actually thought he was going to turn out to be a magician who would be in danger if he didn't execute his trick in time... or something like that.

Anyways, good short all in all. If you did plan on filming it try to make it as visually appealing as possible, so people will forgive the similarities to the set ups in SAW haha.


ED .
FEVER DREAMS
THE DOORS ARE CLOSED                                                                            
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ShotOfJack
Posted: February 18th, 2011, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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Hi Jayden. Thanks for your comment. Really glad you liked it. And hopefully i will be filming sometime; the sooner the better.

Thanks again.
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