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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  David Don't Do It Moderators: bert
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  Author    David Don't Do It  (currently 1554 views)
Don
Posted: February 3rd, 2011, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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David Don't Do It by Alex Young - Drama -  David is an insecure, slightly over weight aspiring actor who is trying to find his place in the world. His friend and room mate , Jay Young,  is a self centered wanna-be musician who is a compulsive liar and cheater to his girlfriend Lisa, whose past is catching up with her effecting everyone and everything.  103 pages - pdf, format


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05c4r
Posted: February 5th, 2011, 1:53am Report to Moderator
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Excuse my writing I'm french!

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You write very fluently and your dialog rolls easily and neat. I liked your script and it got a good vibe to it.

Small typos:
Your missing a FADE IN.
I like it that you try to avoid the using of “we see” often, like many other writer around here is pointing as a no no, which I try to avoid when I write myself.

Cap ‘sexy woman’, maybe.

Sheena’s line ‘you mean salsa music’ is not connecting with her name, checked the rest of the script for it. Noticed you capped her name on two more occasions after JAYs question - “who”? (P.2) Is there any reason?

P.5. Scene Heading, How about putting ‘Basement room’, instead of ‘Anonymous room’. You still mention it in the description anyway.
I see you put a little reference to yourself which is funny, but be aware of too much of it. P.s do you need transition, ‘Cut to’? It would save your script pages and would be tighter.

You have 2 pages of nothing in the end. I think this script deserve a new tittle too, but it’s not a biggy, stuff like that can be altered in production.

All in all, decent, neat and interesting, hope your around...


Excuse My Writing, I'm french!
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